It is the final day of February. It is 11:58 a.m., so actually it is two minutes to the final day of February, one of the sweetest months of the year romantically and quite differently. Particularly, the reason I have sat down to write is because I am not allowing myself to work anymore today, so I baked a banana bread that is slowly, but surely, baking away in a hot oven of which I cannot go to bed until I finish letting the bread bake. So I thought, why not write on my blog and get some of my month out in words, it’ll help me relax a bit.
To start, I turned 20 this month. I think somewhere in my color loving inner thoughts, I always thought 20 would be a light pink year. When I think of light pink, I think of focus, focus on my dreams, I think of hope, hope for a lovely year, and sweetness in all ways sweetness can be. I know and only can hope that this year of being 20 will be sweet, and let me tell you, it already is.
What did this month contain within its 28 days? GOD of course. So much God. You can’t have too much God. What else? Well, college and work of course. We all know that’s what I do, but it also contained my sweet and loving family and friends, it contained a sweet surprise birthday party before rehearsal planned by one of my sweet best friends and my sweet crew and cast, it contained silly and sweet memories made by accident while driving around in the starlit sky, it contained rewarding moments at work with my sweet kiddos, it held interesting topics learned in my sweet schooling, it held moments of sweetness all around and I will not keep going because some moments are even sweeter when we let ourselves think about them quietly.
It was not a lickity split, snap and I am feeling 20 and all of it’s age 20 apparent occurences of sweetness, but no, maybe it was.
Last year I was learning a lot of what and what not to do. Thank you God.
This year I am learning a lot of how and why I want to do. Thank you God.
I have been becoming better at decisions to be made by myself, I have become less fearful of my future and I have become more assertive in areas needed.
These three happenings are BIG for a women like me. I don’t want the world, I don’t want the people in it, to change me or to make me feel I need to coincide with any ideal made by themselves. I will following God’s path for me and using the passions He instilled in me to KEEP MOVING FORWARD, past FEAR and onto the BEAUTIFUL life still in the future.
I finished directing my second show this month, and it was my first teen and through adult play. The show was The Diary of Anne Frank. This show meant a lot to me, I not only am fascinated by history, but Anne, a little girl, sweet, and smart, was, along with many others, put into a life of hurt, her story was tragic, but laced with hope due to her faith in God.
Faith in God. That is sweet.
The duration of the show brought its challenges, many pertaining to me needing to buckle down and tell it like it is, be a director and be okay with the fact that most people aren’t going to agree with my decisions theatrically, because in my everyday life, well, I don’t get agreed with much anyway. Nonetheless, the show was quite successful, due to decisions being made, due to me letting myself finally let go that to put on something respectful and what I thought would be what gave the most glory to God by showing the passions and talent and STORY from Him.
Theatre is a great way for me to carry other aspects of my life into it’s quarters, train and learn and use those lessons for my everyday life. Although, let’s be honest, theatre is my everyday life as well, but you get what I mean. However, especially now, theatre is in my life forever I had always hoped, but since I have founded my own theatre company, it has only sweetly increased.
I think God wanted me to start a theatre company. I am moving to New York City here soon. Oh, I am. Furthermore, I still think God, as I have been trying and trying to figure out, has had at least 8 reasons that He has wanted me to stay in Ohio for a bit longer than being a 15 year old with plans. One of them finally came to me.
My company is called The Luminescent Moon Theatre Company.
The company is called Luminescent Moon because while I was trying to come up with a company name, my dad said to me that I needed to think of something bigger than a hometown, small town name, something bigger like a name of a galaxy or something about space, because he knows I am so intriuged by astronomy. Well, the moon is in space and I have always had such a love for the moon and while trying to think of beautiful and words that could add to the word “moon”, I came upon “luminescent”. Luminescent is not only lovely to gaze at like the moon, but it is big, and bright and describes the moon while being a thrill to say, all while tying into the idea of our mission statement of letting our performers be as bright as the moon’s glow.
You are luminescent.
My hometown does not have a theatre company and we are small, but fairly large. That makes sense. We would have a great audience for a theatre company, full of people wanting to be involved. Wow, God placed me in exactly the right place to be. Thank you God. He always knows.
After many phone calls, paperwork, filing and back and forths, and at this point it is still ongoing, I have created the company and we are expecting a first curtain call in the coming months.
This is definitely rewarding, a company in a town I grew up always wishing had a theatre company close by, working on theatre with my own rules and with all the say I want, and making theatre sooner to being my only job for income, and sweetest of all, I can give back to those in my community, finally giving those with a passion, a chance, it is so sweet.
So sweetness is ensuing, because I am following what God has planned.
My bread is done baking, I can sleep now and also enjoy the bread.
Now off to go continue being an independent, dress twirling, hope loving, bread eating, spontaneous decision making, in her head often, not from Jupiter or the 1950’s as she would like to be, me. It will be sweet, but I do hope I can continue to only love and learn.
I look forward to more sweetness coming and I hope you are too.
With all the feelings you could be feeling, I hope you are feeling your favorite ones today and as of late.
I am feeling a mixture of many today, and these aren’t just today feelings in colors, but a bubbling of colors from the past few months that consistently appear more vibrantly than others.
So what colors do we have? We have light and faded pink, dark yellow, a rainforest green, slight pastel pink and a bright blue. They all mean something and they all make sense with my emotion. I will explain, but first, I finally made a big decision and I am not currently sharing it much to many people because I am a little unsure how, so it’s nice to share it to myself if anyone through writing.
I am 90% sure I will be going now, going to New York, not for a trip and no, not forever, but for awhile. The thought of going about 3 years ago, well I cannot recall exactly, but I believe it was all bright blue and shining yellow, whereas I was scared, but KNEW, I KNEW, I was going to go, then the previous 3 years happened. In those three years I have wanted to pick up and move on the spot, redirect my whole life, move other places, stay put, go in the future, go other places first, stay home for the time being and more. I have wanted to cry at the thought of being so sure and yearning to go and thinking I could not, I have cried thinking about how excited I was to be about to go, I have cried thinking about how I was supposed to already be there and am not and lately, I feel as if I have only cried thinking I needed to go now, but wanted to stay home…for now. I was lost in this sense over time, but not in each moment. God had me exactly where He wanted me.
God has kept me here in Ohio these past three years. So much has happened. I have learned, experienced, hurt and healed, discovered and adventured and found more of God’s will for me. I know God was keeping me here, I know it. The tears of hurt at the thought of leaving behind my life here so soon, proved it. It was not my time to go away to my soon future in a different state and in a different city quite yet. Lately, however, I feel so many loose ends, and lessons, and possibilities can continue to be tied up, discovered more, and soar from here even with me out of Ohio. I feel due to many life circumstances, God is giving me the decision, to stay or to go. I don’t cry so much anymore thinking about how scared I am to leave behind here, because I know what truly matters WILL NOT be left behind at all. I don’t fret due to the money, the realities of moving. I don’t get stressed thinking I am not ready or prepared. I feel only a decision needs to be made, do I want to stay or go?
I think I need to go.
Now I just said leaving doesn’t cause me as many tears. Maybe I should change that, after all, I am a Molly. I am emotional and dramatic and feel every color of the rainbow in a given time, but yes, just writing up my almost made decisions is striking a bit of a sadness in me, maybe its nostalgia, maybe it’s overwhelmed emotions, maybe it’s curiosity I am letting hold me back from things I can change, or maybe it’s just sadness, because for once, I am about to make a large decision that doesn’t cause me much fear or uncertainty. I feel a tear may fall.
It hurts to leave my family. It hurts to know I won’t see them everyday.
It hurt to leave my friends. It hurts to leave people apart of my life in Ohio.
It hurts to leave my home.
It hurts to leave the simple things, like my bike path, my outdoor home and my favorite places to dwell.
God can heal me from this hurt and turn it into love.
I can love my family and friends and the people even from a new place.
I can call somewhere new my home to love and still remember this as once my loving old home.
I can find my outdoor spots to love somewhere new and love my spots here in Ohio just the same.
I know God will give me all He thinks I should have or He wants me to have and what I hope for in His plan even going to New York. I will try my best to make the right decisions leading to these happenings.
I know to further God’s plan for me and to further His purpose and the passions He has given me, this move could help.
I don’t really know how to bring up this ever-growing thought to anyone besides God and myself. It has always been known to family and friends and many others my dream of finally making the decision to do the spontaneous move, to further my dreams in musical theatre and journalism and just GO. Now that dream is finally finalizing. My family and my friends and everyone is supportive and I am so glad God kept me here to experience the life I needed here. When I say experience I mean, help those I could, be with those I could, love those I will always love and meet those I did and cherish memories I will always keep.
I have done so much research on New York living and academies if I decide to go. I one time got scared and sad in a sense and dropped my research, knowing the time wasn’t right. Something happened and the urge to research and plan again, was put in me by God more and more recently and largely quite lately.
I am looking at applying to either conservatory programs, academies or schools, or maybe none of those, and perhaps just move and go from there with all of my other little bits of planning taking place. I am not as dewy-eyed as I may seem except that I am, but God has used this piece of my personality to guide me in His plan for me and I will accept it, while trying to gather as much education as I can that He provides for me. I try to be as educated and aware as I can be, while maintaining the curious sort of innocence I have come to realize is always going to be in me.
I plan to leave by age 21, that is next February. Maybe this Fall or maybe next Spring. This is my plan and while it causes me sadness to type, it causes me hope as well. I know God gives me hope and it’s Him helping me make a literal big “move” in my life by trying to wipe away any thoughts of sadness in this stage of planning.
I don’t know if I should ask for the opinions of others, or not. I don’t know if I can bear all of the back and forth and opposing thoughts on what I should do. It overwhelms me so often because everyone has a different idea for my life so often and I get so….stuck. I get stuck not knowing how to decide. New York is one of my dreams because I also never wanted to feel stuck, I feel I can do more good when it was my time to journey there, and now it’s time and I am unstuck. Nonetheless, I was never stuck even when I felt like it, because God was only helping me. Sticking me where I needed to be with the people I needed to be with. So maybe I do need the opinions of others, to help me and further my plans.
I am not lost. I am not lost with God.
I am curious, that is why I am bright blue. I love my curiosity, it brings me great love and cheer in this life.
I feel sweetness in my heart, that is why I am light and faded pink.
I feel adventurous and so that dark green comes in.
The rainforest green signals learning.
That pastel pink sliver, is hope.
I feel these colors so often and so often regarding my big decision.
If anybody can help me out here with my bundle of colors, and sorting out my thoughts, please do. Do you think I am making a decision I should? Furthermore, what are your colors? I love learning about people, and colors are a very thought provoking way to do that. It would be nice to meet more people, especially if I’m about to move. The lovely technology God has blessed us with, can keep us in touch talking about our colors to each other forever from anywhere. 😉
I hope your week is the exact color you are trying to mix it up to be as of so far, whether rainforest green or copper or red as red can be.
Mine is currently a cloud, a mix of grays, lights and darks. It’s good and it’s got some unforeseen uncertainties. It’s not bad, and not at all altogether bad, but it’s hard to figure out. Nonetheless, by the end of the week I want to be able to look back and see it altogether be magenta, whether it was a slow unfurling of the greys mixed with pieces of red along the way or a sudden change just plopping the grays out of the way making room for a magenta hue, I don’t mind. Although, I prefer the sudden change, magenta where are you? Of course, I understand a good ole’ unfurl of the grays though, maybe a slow unfurl could be a good thing, helping me slowly figure out the reason I’ve been surrounded by grays anyway.
Should I mention the grays?
I could. Silly enough, I probably won’t. I can’t really. Here’s my first gray, a gray exists in this soot because there are so many pieces of life that I want to share, I want to write about and I want to understand better by doing just that, sharing and writing, BUT I cannot so often, I cannot. It stinks, let’s be true. Whether it be about work life and work situations, or it be about places I was in involving others, or it be about my family in a happening or my friends and a circumstance or even just my heart and mind towards anyone or anything, there’s so much I have restricted myself from sharing. Why?
Why because for the time being, it’s a sensible move.
For example, events that take place at work, stressful or silly, memorable or exhausting, the whole shebang of possibilities that strew from my professional pieces of life, are to be mostly kept to the premises of which I work, or maybe within the close knit conversation between confidantes where I can share a sliver of to either receive advice, support or a giggle or two. It’s not always a smart move to talk about work publically, which is something I stray often from doing.
Then there comes the aspects of my life involving other people. Oh my goodness, these can get to have a very fine line, these aspects. What names can I share or what events or moments can I share without being too unambiguous? What parts of my life, that may have or may currently be affecting me so deeply can I write on or let outside of my heart and mind for a tad to discuss and unfurl? Not much it seems, I don’t want to have anybody making assumptions on others and I also don’t always want people to make wrongful assumptions about me or for people to know everything about me in certain times.
The grays in this category, this middle gray color of uncertainty and sadness that comes with the necessary unfurling of these grays, is very prevalent this week.
Thankfully, I am so often alone, off and about and experiencing my own little adventures, physically on the earth or emotionally within my own mind, that there is so much for me to share where only myself is present. No one can be hurt, nothing can be affected negatively, except for me.
Except for me?
Even then, this can be strange.
I love sharing myself, my stories and my thoughts. I love sharing my observations and my workings and my passions and dreams. This is true for real life with the people I encounter down to my closest bezzies of family and friends. I want to share when I want to.
I just hope one day soon I can share more. I want to share my whole heart, or at least closer too, my mind without rewording and rewriting as I’m scared someone may misconstrue and my life outside of my easy to see runnings arounds and often only written abouts too.
There is more to a photo and a story to be written than what is always wrote out and I hope one day soon I will be able to say more without my fine line. A fine line is quite fine sometimes, but I only feel prevented in these grays. This is my fault, my line that I set, for others sake and my own. Nonetheless, I think I may try and find an eraser to start working on erasing away the marked line I wrote invisibily around myself.
Due to the fact that this week was so gray for so many reasons I won’t allow myself to speak about, I will leave off at this…
Its been gray. It’s been light gray like a cloud about to empty just a bit of rain before God surprises us with a vibrant rainbow in the very cloud, it’s been medium gray where we see a little smoke blocking our view as we wave our hands to try and sift it out of our eyesight and it’s been dark gray. Dark gray where I have felt so unsure, I know the storm is about to hit anytime, the rain will pour, but just how long will it last, that’s the dark gray.
I must say, there is definitely more light gray then dark. As I usually do, I see many of God’s hope bringing rainbows always on the way. I see magenta too, in that rainbow full of reds all the way down to blues.
So personally, so professionally, so neither and both, I have a lot to work on and continue not working on this week to become magenta. Maybe I can’t share it all, again, but that doesn’t matter, I can share one thing for certain… Through this strange and gray week, I chose out of the rainbow of hope from God that I want magenta. Magenta is pink and it’s red. Pink is sweet and pink is so me. Red is enthusiastic and determined and red is so me. A mixture of both makes me feel most like me. How do I get there after I unfurl the grays?
I romanticize my life. I make the smaller and the most simplest puzzle piece of my day the most overwhelmingly positive moment in time. I may sleep in an extra 20 minutes listening to my favorite music as I lay comfortably between my cozy blankets and make myself believe this is the best and most comfy light gray cloud I’ve ever layed upon, and the music is the most lovely tunes right in the moment in the world which could make me feel so relaxed.
I may remember why I look forward to my commute to work. I can pray, I can be silent and listen to the quiet, or I can listen to music to bring up my upbeat mood or calm me down and make me think. I make this commute enjoyable.
I could look outside and see how the weather is doing. Oh weather, are you happy and sunny, are you cold and dreary? Maybe you’re raining peacefully or snowing serenely? I can observe the weather and try to understand it, even though there may be no understanding to it. I can pretend and sit and just think about it, and appreciate it.
Part of how I stay so cheerful is because indeed, in all of the whirlwinds of life bringing about a clutter and tied up ball of grays, I find those kind moments, which can be almost each and every if they are kind moments to romanticize, and really turn into magenta.
Romanticize. I romanticize life. I like it that way. I truly do romanticize it, maybe that’s why I’m always so pumped about the simple things, wait no, it is, like Valentine’s Day. It’s nearing again. No, I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a date, but I am not against it because of this. There’s so much love we can give to life too, everyone, friends and family. Maybe that’s not a typical viewpoint, it’s just a made up holiday of course, but actually has historical context outside of its Hallmark card pursuits. One of the stories of who Saint Valentine was, I’ll share. There is a belief that Saint Valentine was against the decree that young men could not marry because under rule it was thought being single made for better soldiers and so Saint Valentine performed secretly, marriages for couples in love.
Nevertheless Valentine’s Day has always been for me one of those simple days to romanticize. It’s just cute. I love the pink and I love the red and the purple and the pastels. I love the fluffy stuffed animals sitting together upon the department store shelves. I love the chocolate and the hearts galore that I can go and buy for myself. I love it. Basically, I carry this love for Valentine’s Day around the year. I don’t think it’s my love for Valentine’s Day that causes me to be so interested in love, and these cute outward ideas of the day, but my love already in me for romanticizing life that makes me want to romanticize a romantic holiday. From dying my hair bright red and twirling around in pink dresses, to loving to talk about love and sweet things all to how I like living my life, I basically do feel like a human Valentine, which makes me feel so happy. Isn’t being happy such a sweet emotion? Yes. So I find what makes me happy and I romanticize it in my mind.
I hope you have a Valentine.
I hope you find your rainbow today, God is giving you hope, please accept it.
As of course I always hope you are moving through your day with an upbeat stride in your steps from anywhere you go, truly hopeful each passing moment is important and fine, fine, fine to live through. It is. 🙂
For me, my week was dark blue. Blue is pretty. I find blue calming. I find blue sad. I find blue lost. I find blue gentle. I find blue hidden amongst a “sea” of hope. “Sea” because the sea is blue.. yes. A pun. 🙂
Overall my previous week, although I’ve been physically fighting some silly kind of bug of a cough and losing my voice on and off, that’s the LEAST of my concerns.
I had a most lovely Janurary 1st. I hung out with my friend. My dear, dear friend whom I only met last summer, but has already made more of an impact on me than she knows. I love that girl. Our friendship means a lot to me, as friendships do. We walked around town, smiled for sweet photos and ate her homemade snack mix. Nonetheless, the day was blue because I was somewhat still sad, but being with a positive and calming friend brought me hope and that was day one of a new year, which supposedly means something, nevertheless, I don’t find it means much more than a new number. However, metaphorically speaking, wow it’s a new year. 😉 A new year, shouldn’t I not be sad at all? Not even a tad?
Lately, I haven’t been feeling much yellow, or lavender or bright and zazzley pink. I’ve been at this blue. I know why and I don’t know why either. I don’t need to make sense. It’s not how I seem to work at times.
There are of course reasons we can all turn to for being sad, for feeling down and for being upset and lost. There are more attainably changeable surface reasons, “I didn’t sleep enough”, or “I got a speeding ticket”. Those are two surface level happenings that I do to myself that cause me a bit of blue. I need to not speed, and I need to go to bed and snooze.
Then there are the deeper reasons. These reasons can be a combination of surface reasons all bumbling into one another and causing you to fall quicker and deeper, or they can be frankly, reasons that by even only having one can cause your week to be less than yellow. They can be heavy and personal.
I have a couple problems I am facing in my life right now. I haven’t been taking care of myself as well I should be. Golly, no not at all. I’ve learned so much in regards to valuable guidance from God and through family and friends the last year and half, personally and professionally somewhat, I’ve tried and worked and put into action advice and direction I’ve receieved. I’ve said no, I’ve said yes. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve second guessed. (This is quickly turning into a poem). Nevertheless, I still find my forward nature becoming lessley (it’s a word now) full of zest. I feel like I’m in some sort of test.
I can’t speak on certain situations or events or happenings in my life unless if it only hinders nothing, as I want to protect. It can be known however, that I’m tired and I’m fretting about letting myself become one of the many and be accepted or keep being myself though by this I find myself about to be less and less understood.
Don’t we all seek to be understood, or at least at times? Maybe. Maybe not, but I sure do. I don’t make sense often and I’m tired of hearing people to tell me to be more realistic. It really adds up and hurts bad when I let the words actually change my opinions, my decisions and how I live my own life out. As long as I’m not affecting anybody else, why should it matter. I understand when people want to protect me or want what’s best for me, but I have recently (including this week) when sifting over a lot of huge decisions I can either make or not make right now which will change the course of my life once more, find a what’s best for me may be different than a baseline definition already made.
My life is also not static. It’s not one bit.
I do realize I have quite high standards for everything in my life, maybe that’s why to some I may appear to be a bit silly or unrealistic. Maybe I am, but what’s so bad about it? The high standards I try my best to keep, keep me pushing for better jobs, or better plans, or better atmospheres, okay, honestly, a better life. I can’t let myself lower my standards to fit a definition I have no intention on defining my life.
My week brought me blue from being with friends giving me calmness, to being blue to being sad, yes, I am sad for some personal reasons in my life, to feeling lost, because I do feel a little lost as I just need to know if someone can understand me even if they don’t agree, I yearn to be understood, and it was blue in the gentle moments and it’s blue, dark blue because dark blue is classic though.
Classic is timeless. Timeless is unchanged by different definitions being made by people who want to change everyone to fitting into their realistic approach. Timeless is it’s own, and timeless shows me hope, that I can live timeless in my own path. I won’t be alone no matter what I choose. I’ve chosen to have a faith in God that will be here all the way in this life I live, through every color and every definition being defined. I have hope.
This week was blue because I’m tired. I’m not always going to be tired though because I’m doing something about the blue that shows me tired, I’m going to change what I need to change, and it’s all full circle because to embark on changes I will have to be calm and understand the whereabouts of the sadness and know why I feel don’t want to feel lost and how to put a stop to it and become more hopeful than ever.
I know God is with me. I often find myself praying late at night at a total loss and know only He can help me. I break down and cry. His power overcomes the air and I find His presence calms me more than anything I have known. Our God is timeless. He is indeed the best hope we have and He will not leave you, He won’t. So I must remember that as I move onward into my week, and decide upon choices that will effect my life once more. I do some spontaneous things, but often with a whole lot of thinking through. Who knows what’s next for us, right?
Being a new time in my life, I was looking back at a few of my poems I have written throughout many changes in my life. These poems are pocket-sized and there are only a pocket-sized amount here. Poetry is my favorite form of writing. I positively love poetry, no matter the type. I find it serene even when sad, when most happy and can always twirl the emotions in thoughts you weren’t aware you had. I loved poetry in school, I loved it out of school and I find it helps me feel better after writing or helps me feel even better depending on the circumstance. I don’t necessarily title my poems, I just sit and write and think of how I’m structuring them as I go, and I love pocket-sized poems particularly.
We begin and end with hopeful poems I’ve written because my hope is to always continue to help others find hope in the most pocket-sized pieces of life if they have too or want too. Pocket sized poems are quick to peruse and quick to spark something in you that will hopefully be a hope bringing fuse. (See what I did there? A pun AND a rhyme).. 🙂
When you fear the future…
Don’t let uncertainty be
The ending when something will finally set you free,
It’s not good to be all too carefree,
And it’s not good to continue to flee,
Don’t stay put like a tree
And wade in the waves of the sea
This will become a long eternity
If you’re never letting yourself have glee
It’s only a matter of time before we
All must eventually decree,
Who it is we will want to be
So sit back and relax and have a cup of tea
You’re going to be fine if you choose to be,
Yes, you’ll see
You can be one happy happy happy, ducky. 🙂
And you find serenity in the life from before and now and tomorrow…
You look back at the past,
You look inward to the present,
You look forward to the future,
You see a fast moving…pleasant feeling…times full of somewhat, well you’re unsure,
But you keep on aways thinking so pure,
You stay positive when you come to a dent,
You know life can move somewhat fast,
And you decide to look up at the clouds and smile for something good is bound, jus bound to happen next.
Always remember you get to be you at all times, this is your life and you’ve got this…
The dark nights endlessly begin to grow.
And sparks only we all yearn to understand, to know,
seem to stop telling us no,
Where did we go?
We choose this time though,
Where do we go?
It’s our chance to decide, oh
How life is strange and how life expands, worlds come together and galaxies link up, sometimes we see it and sometimes we don’t, take in a moment and let life slow. 💚When life seems bleak,
Remember you’re not at all going to let yourself be weak,
Turn the other cheek,
There may need to be more than one tweek,
but, hey, you’ve got this because you are unique.
I find so much means for poetry in nature with all God gave us outdoors…
Nature’s nice, why?
Though always changing
Though not always full of golden beaming sunshine rays
Though sometimes bringing chaotic disarray
Though always surprising
Why that’s the cause
Nature’s nice, why?
It is always gratefully changing
It is always full of rainbows God put in the clouds to lay
Sometimes it even gives us a cool starry night display
It is always giving us the best kind of surprising
Because it’s beautiful nevertheless. 🙂
And when you feel all alone, your Creator God loves you and wants YOU here on this earth…
I hope you feel something within your heart sparking you to feeling you deserve great love,
I wish for you to know inside your mind wholeheartedly that you are worth more than all the hurt inside though know you can right now be free of,
Moving forward and onward I dream of each of us to always know we deserve only and all of the hopeful love from the sad thoughts above.
You are special and by God above you are loved, loved, loved. 🙂
You’re loved by our one and only God and worth so much.
Due to the year coming to a close, a close close, truly as we only have about 6 hours yet, I hope you decide to positively reflect on your experiences throughout the year and then can look forward to 2019 with excitement and hope and most importantly faith that next year will bring healing and every bit of happiness you yearn for, because why not? Never let yourself decide you want less than you know you hope for.
I hope you’re well.
I am well. Weller than last year at this time, weller than 6 months ago, weller than 3 months ago, weller than 1.5 months ago, weller than 3 weeks ago and weller than 10 and a half days ago and weller than yesterday and weller everyday, why? I give the answer all to God and the determination He has instilled in me to keep my head moving forward.
I do want to say this though, given the fact that I have at present time reached a level of strength in my faith and will to stay smiling more genuinely than before, I am downright scared to admit how happy and truly hopeful I am in my current state, because I am terrified to lose it all.
Golly, I am fearful. I despise this. I have constantly battled with different variations and levels of fear coming from all sorts of directions this past year and have with God and the support He has provided me from loving folks surrounding me, been able to overcome those hurts and upsets, but this fear is possibly the worst because it tests my faith in God.
I have always had a way to keep my faith in God even when nothing seems to be going right, or not enough of what I think should be going right is going right. I still have so much faith in God, I know He loves each of us, but I don’t know why I am feeling so much fret besides the fact that I am fretful I am going to lose the love God has shown me this year.
I guess that’s just it. Now that life is going the good kind of strange, the good kind of sweet, the good kind of forward, I am scared it’ll stop and I’ll falter onto the mindset I had last year at about this exact time, one of fret and one unlike me.
The thing is, as one of my good friends said to me once, “You can’t lose with God.”
That stuck with me from the moment the words left her sweet grin. She is right, I cannot lose with God.
That sentiment helps me immensely, and so I am going to really focus on keeping my faith each day more than ever before, because I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy my life changing constantly, from small to big to everything in between things, because it creates more adventure of which I crave, and I think in all of these things are lessons, love, hope, enjoyment and happiness which God wants for me. Living in this fear that I will lose my spirit will only hinder my hope and that’s something I have to work on, for the sake of others and for the sake of myself.
I don’t want to become hopeless, because I most certainly am NOT and because I do not want to spread the thought of being hopeless amongst anyone. We have God. He gives us hope. I don’t have time in this lifetime to lose that hope given to us by Our Creator.
So I share why this year was magenta.
Early on in this year I cried a lot. You must understand I was only 18 at the beginning of the year, I was thrust into some strange life in a cubicle where I was getting paid more than usual for someone my age where I went to fancy meetings and got free stuff and free food and had a neat badge for hospital entryways and the whole shebang. I was in good physical shape, constantly keeping my fitness routine in check, and I had and still have a supportive family, I had dreams, I was having fun or I think I was, and I had sweet friends and I was in a play, which made me feel like I was still going after my dream or one of them and I was studying for my fitness certification, which is something I long to receive to bring health and a love for healthy and energetic living to others, as I thought I was healthy. Nevertheless, I was falling apart by the seams slowly everyday.
While I love being open and personal, some things are just to keep to myself and for now, I will keep everything that was ripping me up to myself on here. I have shared many of my testimony to friends, to family and to everyone around me, I just find some things easier to share personally when more can be understood face to face instead of computer screen to text, ya know? So anybody who wants some spark of hope or loves to know how the hopeful and usually upbeat me can somehow be more than sad and have more cases of the mean reds than, well, usual, you may ask. I believe wholeheartedly in sharing testimony to not only help others, but to bring answers and hope. ❤
Well here is me last year…..
Alot happened this year. I put an end to a lot of goings on in my life after winter ended. Spring began and I needed to be myself again. After changing my life personally and professionally, I began to become Molly once more. I was smiling. My mom and dad and friends worried about me like crazy, but I was okay. I created a Youtube channel “signedlovemollymarie” and started working on my blog earlier than that to try and talk through my goings on and bring the knowledge of having faith in God to others. Plus, let’s be honest, I love making videos, I love writing, I love editing and making cute aesthetic thumbnails, I like that sort of thing. It helped me sort out my mind though as I transitioned in my life again.
Here is one of my videos about prayer. You all must know, prayer is real. Prayer works. Prayer heals, prayer helps and God listens to us, He hears us and He loves YOU. He wants the best for us, but please oh my golly please have faith that He will give you all you ever wanted even if not in the way you expected.
I just want to cry thinking about how much God loves us, it is beautiful.
You can see what I mean by having fun editing. I go all out cutesy and girly. I fully accepted my cutesy and girlyness this year again. Seriously, I was changing even surface level pieces of my personality unintentionally at times just because I thought I needed to be someone else to be loved. That is so untrue. People will love you for YOU. God loves you for you. Only change if it is for the better, not because you feel you aren’t enough. You are enough and you are worth so much.
Nonetheless, the days go by. I pack up my cubicle at Primetime. I start working at a kids camp at an outdoor park where my heart soars knowing while temporary, I was going to make the most of the sunshine, the children’s sweet love and healing I was hoping to embark on all summer. I was struggling a lot, but I decided I was going to finally let myself want to get happy. I started selling Perfectly Posh, becoming a little sales consultant for a natural and all made in the USA pampering products line. So girly, so useful and so me. I had my own little business, something to work on, a project and I could make a little money.
I am not one to usually care about money as long as I am financially stable, I am rather spontaneous and you know, I have faith that all my hard work and continuous hard work will pay off. Hehe, pay off….. a pun…. Anywho, extra money was worth a bit, I didn’t make near as much at my current job and I needed to save more. I have dreams, folks. I hope you have dreams.
I also started a Bible study group with my lovely friend and that has become a blessing. We meet at fun little coffee shops of the coziest aesthetics to share our love of God as often a month we can. We support one another and God brought a blessing into my life by bringing us girls together.
You can’t have too much God.
During the summer I spent alot of time outdoors as I usually do. Nature helps me alot. Bike rides, walks, listening to the noises of the woods and staring up at the beautiful sky God gives us everyday makes me feel calm, something I don’t feel often. Near my home we have a set of many paths and woods and I practically live down there when I am not at work, some sort of event, or at thee theatre. TheeAterrr.. I hope you said that in the fancy way I hope you did.
If I had to stay outside in the woods amongst the deer and squirrels for the rest of my days, I could and would, because feeling serene is much welcomed to a stressed out and frazzled girl like me. Although, let’s be honest, I like some frazzle now and then.
I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.
I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.
I was also in a play. Being consistently involved in the theatre is (“the” theatre hehe, I crack myself up) is assiduously important for a hopeful Broadway dreamer such as myself. Now I will state one thing, I truely got tired of the negative or maybe only made up in my head negative thoughts towards me dreaming of Broadway and doing theatre at such a small and quiet community theatre. Perhaps, I could be going off and doing theatre in New York city right now if I just bought myself a plain ticket or budgeted up some gas money, but that’s not where my heart lies at this current time, completely. I like this tiny community theatre more than I thought I would when I discovered its whereabouts on a whim last spring of 2017….
Before I was doing some professional theatre, I was involved in bigger theatre companies, and I performed at one of the bigger and beautiful theatres around me in front of hundreds I believe, and while all that is a fond memory, a lovely learning experience, and a possibility for my future…. it’s not what I want right now.
While I never felt like I fit in anywhere in life, or felt like I wanted to fit in anywhere, I had a little bit of belonging hit me at this lil’ theatre. I don’t know completely why, but I care about that place for more reasons than I want to only let be known through my type. See while I love writing, sometimes it’s easier and more fun to speak full of animation. 🙂
After the play, which was The Odd Couple, a personal favorite now, due to the great atmosphere surrounding it, relatable storyline, silly characters, and most importantly lovely and lovely people to work with ( I use “lovely” twice for emphasis)…I started college in a big city with a big theatre district with a big hope that I was finally taking a bigger step towards my theatrical dreams. I was exploring the city, taking acting from a teacher who challenged me and instilled the thought that I could be as good as I wanted if I let myself believe it, and learned so much. I worked on campus and got to know my way about the school, I kind of got involved you could say in being a student, sitting at my desk. I had a callback for a major play at thee theatre district even. However, I had major daytime fears about accepting the role and decided after callbacks to just say no in case, and I ended up in a play at thee tiny community theatre I mentioned, which was a good decision. I think God was giving me a taste of the future with that callback, but keeping me in the present as I prayed for to Him for helping me make the decision actually at the theatre after I auditioned for the Canterville Ghost going on, on what to do and my dad immediately after I got home saw my stress and told me with the amount of being scared I was about the possibility of getting the “major” role, it wasn’t the time. God was answering me.
I enjoyed the Ghost show. I did. I enjoyed pretending to be a 15 year old version of myself.
So I continued school. I got better at singing. I gained more confidence. I continued going to voice lessons ontop of singing at school. Here is me pretending to be Eponine in one of my dad’s classrooms and this one of machinery where I sang my little heart out passing time and practicing my skills or so I hoped I was. Nah, I was. 😉
One memory cherished by me forever is when my mom took me to go see Laura Osnes, Courtney Reed and Susan Egan, three of by Broadway role models, live in concert and meet them. Being called beautiful by Susan Egan, hearing the lovely voices of Laura Osnes and Courtney Reed fill my ears and finding so much hope for my dreams in one night of bonding with my sweet and loved by me mother, was such a dream come true. I love that 2018 memory.
I also got the opportunity to direct my first show, where at..thee same community theatre I mentioned… what what. Yes, yes. A role up in fancy theatre district would have prevented me from this rewarding experience. My heart was so happy to take on a challenging show, The Enchanted Bookshop. Ya’ll, I practically lived at the theatre if I wasn’t at school, work (which is at school) or outside in my loved nature. I didn’t mind though. I loved seeing the young littles learn what it takes to pick out costumes to blocking to exploring their own freedom and individuality onstage. I also learned some valuable lessons during this time.
I realized how much I dislike being a people pleaser. Hehe.. although this was a problem before, people began bringing it up to me how much it was affecting me during this time and I noticed how I have let this overtake many aspects of my life before in the past and in the present and how I couldn’t let it continue in my future. I am working on it.
Back to the topic of the show. I also got my little sister involved, she made 25 beautiful drawings and watercolors for my set and helped me out at the theatre all the time. My sister and I had many adventures relating and not relating to the theatre this fall. I love her and cherish those fond memories.
I also became friends with Princess Anna. I love providing true moments of love in children’s hearts and this new little side job is so lovely to me.
I started going to church more again close to home in a small community. I am on the praise team and let me tell you! I love this chance to continue to worship my Lord. I love it. I love God and I love singing to Him and for Him. I don’t go to church every Sunday, no, I am a tired girl and like to try and sleep in. Wait, does anybody have it where you finally can sleep in, but your body is used to less than 6 hours and you wake up anyway? Oh the conundrums. I love God, y’all.
The show came to and end and I was in another show, because knowing me, why not? A Wonderful Life. Thankfully, I had a small part. It was also nice to play someone that wasn’t in love and wasn’t smiling and wasn’t just yearning to be married for once. While that is fun and a part I enjoy playing, it is so much like me and I so often play those gals, a small role that provided me something a little different like Miss Carter, a tired bank examiner was well necessary. To further the honesty, I didn’t only do the show because I like theatre, I just liked the social aspect this time more than anything. I am a social human when I am not being a loner recluse… hehe. 🙂
So finals came and went, and I got a great GPA amongst all the nerves. I then quit school lickedy split and quit my job and decided to apply for gazillions or maybe not gazillons of jobs around me. I wasn’t going to school next semester because I needed to save money. I yearn for the city one day, and I also yearn for a little more stability at times where my mind isn’t off in spontaneous land of which I love and I also yearned to go out more and do more which required more money again. So off to the job interviews and applying I went.
Where am I now? I am in my room by my window listening to the gentle raindrops fill the aesthetic around me. No really, though. Right now I am working as a preschool, pre K and kindergarten teacher assistant float and my first task is to bring in theatre to the school curriculum. I am getting paid nicely which helps, but my heart is not hurting there. The hours are so nice, normal hours, y’all. The best part is, I love kids and everyday is different. I get to provide positivity to the littles everyday.
I am also on the board of that theatre which is nice because I don’t want to be on the board of something merely to say I am on the board of something. I actually want to see this theatre grow and become more. Again, I feel a connection to the funky little though actually nicely spaced building. I want to help that place and I am about to direct The Diary of Anne Frank. A tragic story of the lives of so many back in World War II being told through the view of a little 13 year old girl, a true story of hope amongst fear is a beautiful piece of history to bring to our stage. I have faith it’ll be a rewarding show for audience members too.
I am also working on myself. I am studying, planning, researching and looking into what lies ahead. I am taking care of myself, maybe I will get more sleep. Seriously, I wrote down on a piece of notebook paper (like that’s going to help) that I will try and sleep by 11:30 which would be at least 7 hours of sleep. Nonetheless, I night owl it, but I want to take more care of myself physically. I am going to become a fitness instructor finally, I am going to do my job the best I can, I am going to write more, I am going to do what I love more, I am going to be a recluse if I want and I am going to be as much of a people person as I want, I am going to share so much love among the people in my life and I am going to continue to grow closer to God.
I also will probably bake a lot as usual because that’s kind of my aesthetic when it comes to my lone time ways late at night.
I love my puppies. ❤
Maybe I will ride horses again. Perhaps, I will start sewing more. Who knows? I am looking forward to the possibilities of the year. I welcome the newness in and welcome all changes coming my way with a hopeful heart. I have a sweet and supportive family and I have sweet and supportive friends all of whom I love. I love everyone. God blessed me with so much love in my heart and I appreciate being this way. Thank you God. I thank you God for everything. 🙂 ❤
I continue to mention the word “girly”. You may or may not realize I am a very independent girl and I tend to be a very outgoing loner. Well, while I like being this way, I am also about to be 20 and let’s be very honest here, I have never even been on a date. Being the girly young woman I am, of course I have hoped for that opportunity and will until it happens one sweet day. I think it’s very okay to want that. God created us to have partners in this world to help us grow closer to God and help us along in this life to provide care and support and adventure. You see, I for a long time thought my love of being “girly” and “feminine” to a high degree warded off the men. So I kind of tried to stop a bit? Well, that was upsetting. So as silly as it may seem in this day in age to speak so femininely about wanting a relationship, it’s just me. I have a lot of love to share. Nevertheless, the POINT IS, any of you girls or guys out there don’t change yourself for somebody, unless it is for the better. Be the girliest or ungirliest or whatever you want if that’s who you are. Someone will appreciate you for you. God loves you the way you are, He created you this way. Stay yourself. 🙂
Even if you stumble, even if you fall, taking chances and going for what you want is worth it. I want to do that more even next year. After all, every time we go through strange times eventually it will seem like a lifetime ago and be all alright. God will pick you right up, you have to keep your head up. 🙂
All in all….
This year was magenta because magenta is a mixture of dark, but brightened up full of light to make is less than deep pink and more of a slowly becoming light pink. I had faced a lot of hurt and change, ups and downs as I am sure we all have, but at the end of the day or should I say year, I am blessed to have lived it. God makes me stronger through it all.
Magenta is also a pretty color.
You are loved by God and by the strange me and Happy New 2019. 🙂 ❤
Pslams 118:24 ESV
“24 This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
I sincerely hope life is going smoothly and excitingly for you at the same time, I hope it is out of this world even considering you are not an intergalactic alien. Considering my life is pretty full of adventure, encounters and change, I could go off on many stories today, but will choose just one encapsulating lesson to focus on for now.
I am very much, very hardly, very very diligently, I should say, working on putting an end to my cares of what other people think about my life, my decisions and my choices, I am in no need of continuing to be so lenient to other people who don’t earn or get my leniency towards them for sake of me “feeling bad” or in effort to make them “feel good” and protect their feelings. I am sure those people don’t always feel the need to “protect mine”.
First off, I care what God thinks of me. He is my Creator, OUR Creator, He is all powerful and the one whom I answer to and will ALWAYS care what He thinks. Other humans living out there lives here on the earth with me, they also need only to care about God’s opinion of them, MY opinion of them, well, it does not matter and vice versa.
Nonetheless, that isn’t to say we shouldn’t respect other people’s feelings, ideals and lifestyles. We can care about other people with decency and kindness, but we don’t have to think we need to answer to other people’s ideas of how we should live if we disagree when it comes to the things that only affect our own selves. Morals are still in place, always.
I was sitting in the car parking lot of a Rocknes with my friend and assistant director one day not long ago. She is a beautiful soul. She encourages me, puts me in my place and helps me. She is seriously, a good friend. She brings me water or coffee or offers help without me asking. These small things mean a lot to me. Well, we were talking and the conversation ended up with a few major themes..
I overthink too much.
I probably overthink if I overthink.
I try to constantly protect other people’s feelings over my own.
It is upsetting to realize I am in some sort of inner turmoil.
I knew I was this way. I always knew it. I think deep down I wanted to think God made me this way because He knew I could be someone out in the world making other people feel good because I would be able to push my own feelings aside enough and be okay through it all. I don’t know if God did make me this way, but if He did, I am thinking He didn’t want it to get to this extremity.
I am not one to anger easily or even become easily annoyed, but I knew something was boiling up inside me more often recently. I had the need to actually vent and in turn I ended up feeling doggone guilty and horrible that I was possibly even…..angry. Normally when I am feeling less vibrant it is because I am hurt, disappointed or sad, NOT because I am fed up, perturbed, or feeling disrespected and taking advantage of. Sometimes I let the overthinking lead to things that could prevent me from my own possible happiness, and I am my own worst enemy. It is then that the anger comes back to myself. It is all a loop no matter how you decide to look at it, and I am going to cut the loop before it can make me more dizzy than it already has.
Well it came time for me to draw a line and cut that loop finally. The past week and a half, wherever in my life that I feel I am once more caring too much about how other people view me, find myself overthinking or letting myself become lenient, I am becoming more aware on how to push forward.
It is difficult, but in the moments where I am able to force myself into the uncomfortable, I become more comfortable and my life is seemingly becoming less of the world’s and more of my own, more of what God’s purpose is for me, and more enjoyable to say the least.
I sincerely hope that if you find yourself with this sort of inner battle, you know that you can fight in and continue to live out the life God intended for you making sure that don’t miss out trying to protect what you have no need or authority to protect. God has got them, God has got you.
The reason this upcoming week is yellow is because yellow signifies new and hope and happiness. I feel this is a week leading towards that. I feel hope because I have let myself realize what I believe will help me for the rest of forever which in turn leads to more happiness in this life.
I hope you feel this same hope.
Have a yellow week!
Molly Marie 🙂
I feel very 1970’s vibe here with the high neck, dark pink velvet and long sleeve dress and tall tannish/brown boots. It is a groove, because life is a groove, always live it groovily and remember you are lovely and beautiful. Okay? Yes. You are. 🙂