Week Color Indigo

Hello non alien folks,                                       September 17, 2018

“What are you craving?”

My friend asked me this question a couple weeks ago at our weekly Bible study. We had been talking about spiritual hunger and why we really want to have God in our lives, but the discussion took a turn and we talked more about other aspects of life we really yearn for or just plain old want right now. What is on our hearts?

The question got me thinking, which in a sense, maybe I shouldn’t think so deeply so often many a times as that’s where stress wriggles it’s way, self doubt as well, into my life, affecting it more than I should and desire to let it affect me more than it should, in.

About one week later we flash forward to another moment of more self discovery, which is actually more of bringing to the surface what I already knew, but couldn’t quite grasp altogether.  (A reason it is important to have conversation and others in our life, whether close or not is so that they can us gain perspective or perhaps uncover what they notice about ourselves to help guide us).

*shrugs*

Just a thought…

I was sitting with another pal this week, which is the moment of self discovery I just mentioned, sipping our coffee. It was so hot outside, but inside it’s rather cold, (you know, air conditioners, a great invention), so a warm drink always is welcomed to me as I find warm drinks comforting. For example, hot green tea in the morning on a particularly melancholy morning with a little bit of hazelnut creamer is exactly a warm hug, I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees outdoors, the sun is beating down and humidity is hitting  records in my town. The point is, I had my friend, and a comfort drink causing me to kind of feel even more open booked than I already am, atmosphere was cozy (and warm!) and I started spilling.

No I wasn’t spilling my drink, although that would be darn ironic.

I was spilling what was on my mind, and my pal, well she already knew.

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God has beautiful ways of giving us blessings everywhere that He created for moments of uncertainty. 🙂

An inside joke within my family and perhaps a few friends is when asked “What is my fear?”, I like to joke and say. “It is probably easier to tell you what I DON’T fear.”.

Of course I am being silly, I am not scared of everything. I do have a fear of vultures though, isn’t that a fun fact? I am terrified of vultures. I will love those critters from afar.

Anywho, I never was one to let my fears particularly hold me back. Yes, I do often care what other people think, I do often worry an outcome may end in rejection and I do often get scared that something may go wrong, but I usually do whatever it is I want to do anyways. Why? Why because I care more about doing whatever it is I want to do than whatever it is that others may think, whatever hurt the outcome may bring, or whatever may go wrong. Of course I am not stupid about my decisions, remember that.

For instance, I have a great love for fashion. I don’t box myself into one category of “style”, I love vintage fashions and playing with adding modern elements. I love bright colors and getting dressed up. Sometimes these outfits end up being a little bit different or even out there.

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Sparkly pink tennis shoes, a romper with a flowing floral back and a yellow cap sleeve blazer are an unlikely triplet, but hey, it works, and makes me feel confident. 🙂

I have felt self concious in my clothing sometimes. The conclusion is, I don’t let it stop me from wearing what I want. You see, yes I care what other people think about how I look or my clothing, BUT I care much more about being happy in what I am wearing. I do what I want anyway.

My pal said, why don’t I let this apply to my life?

She gave me an analogy. I love analogies, I just love words and speech and all that jazz, y’all. Furthermore, she said pretend there is a bomb. The bomb is ticking down. You have two switches, one switch stops the bomb and one switch makes the bomb explode. You have to make a decision because either way the bomb is going to go off as time is ticking down so just flip one of those switches. If you choose the wrong switch, okay, you can rebuild a city, you have to keep moving.

This stuck with me, because I believe lately I have let self uncertainty become way too prevalent in my life. I am holding back myself from living as fully as I can because of FEAR.

I used to be able to just go for it, and just let hope take hold of me, within safe boundaries of course. God provides us fear I believe as a means to protect us often times.

When I was a wee young little fella my dad once told me that fear is given to us for a reason sometimes. If you are in a tent and there is a lion outside, you are afraid and stay in the tent. This is smart because if you go outside the tent due to not being afraid you will get eaten. Therefore, fear is a helpful emotion in this case.

(My love of analogies may come from my dad, who knows?) 🙂

Though the fear I am experiencing as of lately is not fear to protect me, I know the fear I am experiencing is fear that is preventing me.

My pal told me I am afraid of rejection, maybe even socially.

This was an odd thought to me. I am outgoing, but I am not. I don’t understand myself all the time. I love talking to people and making new friends, I love connections and building relationships, friendships and all that socially social happennings I am usually fine with. As of lately however, I have noticed I am becoming more shy at times with people, people I want to build friendships with, people I want to get to know more, and even opening up the way I want to and usually am able to do so well.

I even became a bit backward in my Acting 1 class and our first drama club meeting here at college. Why did my usual comfort become so uncomfortable? I am warming back up again, but it took awhile. My professor had me sit back and really try to enjoy my breathing before a scene the other day, sensing how unrelaxed I was, which is normal for me, I am always in some sort of mode of stress, but to be honest of my nerves were due to fear of judgement. Since when do I fear what people think of me in an acting class? I love putting myself out there… I don’t poke fun at anyone else, so why am I so concerned on saying a line wrong or interpreting an emotion to be expressed wrongly (and according to my professor, nothing we do on stage is EVER wrong…)?

I have fear.

I am usually so sure of myself, but as of lately that self uncertainty and fear of rejection has tried to make its way into my heart and mind, and I am determined to stop it.

I mentioned in a previous blog I would discuss why I am where I am, or so I believe, in regards to a bit of my past to now here. Well last year I was so certain (well sometimes 😉 ), and had more confidence than normal in certain life areas because to be honest I did not care about myself hardly at all. I was putting my care into others and events, places and things. I was degrading from myself. I was letting myself think differently, go along with decisions differently and give up what my heart had always hoped for, so slowly, but so surely. Due to the fact that I didn’t care about myself, guess what? I didn’t have so much fear. Why would I? I was becoming who I was not. I was not putting much attention into myself as I didn’t matter.

You could say, fear was not preventing me. No fear was preventing me at that time, but fear could have protected me.

I was more adventurous last year, I had no fear. I was more open last year, I had no fear, HOWEVER I was certainly more melancholy last year. I had no fear. (obviously I had fear, but not as much as now.)

I need to work on when to let fear smartly protect me and when to not unfortunately let it prevent me.

Fear is something I am working on balancing. Last year I didn’t let fear prevent me, but this year I am. I know how to use fear to protect me, even better than ever due to experiences occurring throughout my life and, you guessed it, my first year out of high school, *whispers* last year. 😉

Now I need to, as my acting professor tells me, “just let myself go, follow my impulses, and not hold back”, because the one thing I am missing in my life right now is excitement, an adventure.

Don’t get me wrong. I love pursuing theatre at college, I love getting to work at school after class for extra cash, I love exploring the city, I love rehearsal and voice lessons, I love Bible study, I get to work for a Disney Princess party company soon and I am even going to begin riding horses again on one of my days off.

The feeling I miss is the feeling of being alive. I miss feeling like my life is more than just a pursuit to the purpose God has for me YET also a story full of twists and turns of emotions and hope. How do I get that adventure back? I need to let go of prevention fear. I need to be bold once more.

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Here is a cute pony I met at the fair. Seriously, I cannot wait to be around horses again. It is one way I feel connected to my home and the country. Life for me is a constant, city or country? Well, why not both I say. (no question mark there because it is rhetorical and a sure statement).

All in all, my pal addressed what was really going on within me, and my friend with the question of “What am I craving?” brought out an answer that summed up what I am looking for.

Adventure, I crave adventure, but to attain that, I must and I will continue to not let fear prevent me and only protect me.

I feel like this balancing act I am facing within my heart and mind is indigo. A color not quite blue and not quite purple, which is me right now. No I am not referring to being blue or purple, (unless you look at my bruised up legs, hehe), but rather the not quites I face. Indigo is still lovely though. My internal battle right now isn’t all horrible, it is still lovely in the way that I can use this time to really discover more, which I believe I did, about myself, but it is time to move forward.

I must not let fear hinder my heart, you shouldn’t either.

What is your take on fear?

Happy day folks.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

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