Hello, hiya, howdy, and hi,
September 18, 2018
I hope you’re feeling not only happy, but healthy. Healthy as in emotionally within your mind you are thriving, and physically you’re taking care of yourself fully.
Man do I wish I was healthier. Below is a video I recorded that has documented a little bit of when I was first diagnosed with anorexia many years ago.
Now I shall make more of these videos and talk more about my eating disorder journey in the future, however the reason this video particularly is something I am glad I recorded is because it is a reminder to me, a reminder I need now, tonight as I write. A reminder as to how far I have come and how far I can still continue to go with the might and will to keep going.
You see, I am no longer a slave to anorexia in the physical sense of my body itself withering away to nothing, but I’m still constantly fighting the eating habits that so often define my life.
There are periods in my life where my eating habits and focus on fitness elevate to a height of more than usual unhealthy and obsessive thoughts and habits, and now is one of those times. It is ridiculous how I can wake up one day and feel amazing about my waistline, but the next day be internally crying and angry at myself over the size of my calves. I never ever look down upon others the way I beat myself up inside for my weight. Why do I continue to do it to myself? It’s horrible and I wish it would go away, though it is apart of me and my story.
I have been studying to become a fitness instructor, to teach and hopefully help others along their health and fitness journey yet I cannot help others if I’m not helping myself and so I know I have to keep pushing to achieve a healthier state of mind everyday full of healthy habits and kind words to myself in regards to my body, but it’s hard right now and so I needed to write. I missed writing and exploring my thoughts is helping. Honestly right now I’m hungry, but I already ate my calorie intake for the day, or so I think I did, who knows I could have over calculated, so I’m slightly letting myself starve…. It is a little difficulty to enjoy food sometimes when every little crumb and speck of a treat or taste goes into my mouth to process onto my taste buds is automatically resulting in my mind becoming the calculator for my calorie intake. I love, and I mean love, cooking and baking, it’s not only relaxing, but a great joy to me in my life, but I am unable to let myself cook and bake when I’m in a period of even worse eating habits because it’s a quick route to more unhealthy actions for me. Why? If I cook or bake, I’ll add every calorie I ate that I tasted, or I will over eat what I made and then make myself believe I have to workout for 2.67 hours to burn it all off when I’m reality I could just eat a little less the next day… it’s horrible y’all and honestly can anybody out there relate? I think this is another period that’ll go away soon, I’m determined to one day once and for all be done with this eating disorder, as I’ve stayed out of the hospital since I was 13, which is 6 years, for anorexia and I haven’t gone back due to any unhealthy eating habits or workout obsessions, but it’s still a struggle daily for me.
God is good and God keeps my head up and focused on life and purpose, but it’s horrible how bad a day can appear to me when my mind isn’t cooperating with my self esteem boosting vibes. I suppose that makes days I do feel good about my body and fitness levels great thought because when I’m feeling down and I have a good body image day, wow, that’s a positive to me.
My life is only getting busier, and so I’m going to have to keep my priorities straight and take care of myself if I’m going to be able to work hard and pursue purpose like I know I need to, if I want to help others, I have to help myself, but it’ll be a hike to get back to an upward path of healing again… and that’s okay.
Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything, you can be sure that you have God right there with you and you have the determination in you to keep pushing forward, let yourself find that and keep going.
Eating disorders are a strange blue/green color. An unwelcomed friend that I’ve found can become my friend, when we work together to change from a disorder to a determination to heal.
Have a happy day.
Molly Marie 🙂