Hi world friends,
September 26, 2018
I hope you’re happy as per usual I hope blessings are being given to you and you’re making your way through the week with a positive outlook on your journey.
My week is some sort of green. Green has always signified an adventurous state to me. Whether the green in question is dark like Army green or popping such as a lime, or sweet like a fresh mint treat, green means to me….adventure.
Adventure can be anything you make up in your mind to let it be. I’m not saying it has to be some extravagant journey to a foreign land that you made spontaneously one evening wih your pet pig after realizing at 1:00 A.M. in the morning you felt like taking to the Scotland hillside and feeling the relaxing rain drizzle on your head.
Although, it most definitely can be.
Adventure can also mean thee great ‘ole adventure of life. Where we are going, what we are pursuing, and our daily schedules and the little bits and pieces that come with living like finding a new diner who has the tastiest sweet potato fries in the whole county, or becoming friends with a co worker you never thought would make such an impact upon your life not long after you met.
These are most magical and memorable forms of the word adventure, but the adventure I’m talking about today is the adventure of where I’m finally learning to care about myself, Molly Marie, psst that’s me.
You see, there have surely been other times in my life and so forth where I’ve lost myself. There have surely been times I’ve fallen into a deep saddened state and found myself unsure of the next move. Yet, in my 19 years, once I graduated high school, the first year out, I realized my life was taking on a new beginning, and right away even though I was filled with excitement and that word adventure was looming close, I became more lost than ever.
Last fall I started a job which I’m sure you all heard me mention before if you’ve read any of my blog posts previous. The job was a most gracious opportunity. By the time I quit, I was being paid $14.76 an hour, 40 hours a week, for sitting in a cubicle, of which I decorated in the most lovely space and unicorn theme yet, helping the older folks with their insurance needs. I didn’t mind talking to people on the phone, I love helping people. I didn’t mind the office setting. I loved my co workers, there were always events and free cake being given away and I went on walks around the hospital and felt fancy with my little badge that opened doors, and I was only 18 at the start, 19 at the end. I felt like I was doing good, saving money for whatever adventure I would embark on soon, knowing I had excitement up ahead for me.
Well that mentality of hope got me through potentially the most painful year I’ve had. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe it in words. I lost myself, not completely, but in a way where I wasn’t sure what thoughts I even truly believed anymore and what thoughts were mine.
I didn’t care about myself much. I only cared about everyone else and not everyone else who I wish I cared more about.
I was not busy pursuing passion last year for one thing. I was working an office job, yes I had voice lessons and yes I did do do community theatre which is great, yes.
I was trying to maintain my health and fitness because I was full force trying to get my fitness certification.
I had knew deep in my heart that I wanted to keep pushing myself, growing, learning and working on myself, but I danced around it and never fully cared like I wish I did.
Though I pushed my passions to the wayside slowly.
I only cared about trying to take care of everyone surrounding my world.
I wasn’t busy enough working on myself and caring for myself that I found myself being the vulnerable woman I am more so than ever in every situation I came across which I will hopefully describe in future writings soon, I knowingly pretended to be unknowing so often because I was trying to make myself believe most everything was not what some may say reality was, I didn’t care what was happening in my life, only my friends, my family’s, my work life, or wherever I was, or at least not nearly as much, when I should have cared.
The thing is though, I wouldn’t change my vulnerability, I wouldn’t change how I trust so much and I wouldn’t change the fact that I care about people the way I do.
I did come to realize, I had an epiphany, (one of many, but this one seems accurate) that I can indeed be all those things, and feel those ways without losing myself and losing my soft heart, however.
I never wanted to be hardened. Growing up I never understood in church why forgiving was often talked about as being a hard thing. I forgive people so quickly and easily I at one point thought it was my downfall because I would let myself be taken advantage of, or lied to, or be a part of hurtful situations because I don’t hold onto anger.
I had one friend who I can picture in my mind easily, who I forgave probably every single time I hung out with them just hoping that the next time I saw them or spoke to them that they would be sweeter and they’d be okay and dandy doo and things would be like I hoped they’d be in my mind, authentic and a no doubt easy going forever friendship.
I forgive so quickly I forget to remember what I will and will not put up with that I start losing myself before I’m able to grasp what’s happening and I keep falling and failing until my wake up call hits.
What is a wake up call to you? I’ve had many. I’m easily affected by my other people, particularly other people that I feel emotionally hurting for, people that are getting into my head or heart, or that I find exceptionally strange, and I don’t get it. Every single person on earth fits into that list I just made… every single human.
Basically I enjoy the company of other people and that means everyone. Even the people that really just cause me pain. It can be small circumstances too, such as a work situation that upsets me, but I still wanna make that co worker feel good and care about me like I do them.
There is nothing wrong with caring, but you just have to care about yourself too.
All in all, the fact that I’m finally caring about myself stemmed from me forcing myself to do what I wanted to do. And now I am. There’s a whole lot of adventure folks and I shall talk to you soon.
Remember, God loves you so much he created you.
Have a fabulous night.
Here is a photo capturing one aspect of adventure in my life right now. The city, I love it.
Molly Marie 🙂