Year Color Magenta

Hi dearests,

Due to the year coming to a close, a close close, truly as we only have about 6 hours yet, I hope you decide to positively reflect on your experiences throughout the year and then can look forward to 2019 with excitement and hope and most importantly faith that next year will bring healing and every bit of happiness you yearn for, because why not? Never let yourself decide you want less than you know you hope for.

I hope you’re well.

I am well. Weller than last year at this time, weller than 6 months ago, weller than 3 months ago, weller than 1.5 months ago, weller than 3 weeks ago and weller than 10 and a half days ago and weller than yesterday and weller everyday, why? I give the answer all to God and the determination He has instilled in me to keep my head moving forward.

I do want to say this though, given the fact that I have at present time reached a level of strength in my faith and will to stay smiling more genuinely than before, I am downright scared to admit how happy and truly hopeful I am in my current state, because I am terrified to lose it all.

Golly, I am fearful. I despise this. I have constantly battled with different variations and levels of fear coming from all sorts of directions this past year and have with God and the support He has provided me from loving folks surrounding me, been able to overcome those hurts and upsets, but this fear is possibly the worst because it tests my faith in God.

I have always had a way to keep my faith in God even when nothing seems to be going right, or not enough of what I think should be going right is going right. I still have so much faith in God, I know He loves each of us, but I don’t know why I am feeling so much fret besides the fact that I am fretful I am going to lose the love God has shown me this year.

I guess that’s just it. Now that life is going the good kind of strange, the good kind of sweet, the good kind of forward, I am scared it’ll stop and I’ll falter onto the mindset I had last year at about this exact time, one of fret and one unlike me.

The thing is, as one of my good friends said to me once, “You can’t lose with God.”

That stuck with me from the moment the words left her sweet grin. She is right, I cannot lose with God.

That sentiment helps me immensely, and so I am going to really focus on keeping my faith each day more than ever before, because I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy my life changing constantly, from small to big to everything in between things, because it creates more adventure of which I crave, and I think in all of these things are lessons, love, hope, enjoyment and happiness which God wants for me. Living in this fear that I will lose my spirit will only hinder my hope and that’s something I have to work on, for the sake of others and for the sake of myself.

I don’t want to become hopeless, because I most certainly am NOT and because I do not want to spread the thought of being hopeless amongst anyone. We have God. He gives us hope. I don’t have time in this lifetime to lose that hope given to us by Our Creator.

So I share why this year was magenta.

Early on in this year I cried a lot. You must understand I was only 18 at the beginning of the year, I was thrust into some strange life in a cubicle where I was getting paid more than usual for someone my age where I went to fancy meetings and got free stuff and free food and had a neat badge for hospital entryways and the whole shebang. I was in good physical shape, constantly keeping my fitness routine in check, and I had and still have a supportive family, I had dreams, I was having fun or I think I was, and I had sweet friends and I was in a play, which made me feel like I was still going after my dream or one of them and I was studying for my fitness certification, which is something I long to receive to bring health and a love for healthy and energetic living to others, as I thought I was healthy. Nevertheless, I was falling apart by the seams slowly everyday.

While I love being open and personal, some things are just to keep to myself and for now, I will keep everything that was ripping me up to myself on here. I have shared many of my testimony to friends, to family and to everyone around me, I just find some things easier to share personally when more can be understood face to face instead of computer screen to text, ya know? So anybody who wants some spark of hope or loves to know how the hopeful and usually upbeat me can somehow be more than sad and have more cases of the mean reds than, well, usual, you may ask. I believe wholeheartedly in sharing testimony to not only help others, but to bring answers and hope. ❤

Well here is me last year…..

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Look how hopeful I am being. I was trying so hard. Thank you God for always sticking beside me. 🙂

Alot happened this year. I put an end to a lot of goings on in my life after winter ended. Spring began and I needed to be myself again. After changing my life personally and professionally, I began to become Molly once more. I was smiling. My mom and dad and friends worried about me like crazy, but I was okay. I created a Youtube channel “signedlovemollymarie” and started working on my blog earlier than that to try and talk through my goings on and bring the knowledge of having faith in God to others. Plus, let’s be honest, I love making videos, I love writing, I love editing and making cute aesthetic thumbnails, I like that sort of thing. It helped me sort out my mind though as I transitioned in my life again.

Here is one of my videos about prayer. You all must know, prayer is real. Prayer works. Prayer heals, prayer helps and God listens to us, He hears us and He loves YOU. He wants the best for us, but please oh my golly please have faith that He will give you all you ever wanted even if not in the way you expected.

I just want to cry thinking about how much God loves us, it is beautiful.

 

You can see what I mean by having fun editing. I go all out cutesy and girly. I fully accepted my cutesy and girlyness this year again. Seriously, I was changing even surface level pieces of my personality unintentionally at times just because I thought I needed to be someone else to be loved. That is so untrue. People will love you for YOU. God loves you for you. Only change if it is for the better, not because you feel you aren’t enough. You are enough and you are worth so much.

Nonetheless, the days go by. I pack up my cubicle at Primetime. I start working at a kids camp at an outdoor park where my heart soars knowing while temporary, I was going to make the most of the sunshine, the children’s sweet love and healing I was hoping to embark on all summer. I was struggling a lot, but I decided I was going to finally let myself want to get happy. I started selling Perfectly Posh, becoming a little sales consultant for a natural and all made in the USA pampering products  line. So girly, so useful and so me. I had my own little business, something to work on, a project and I could make a little money.

I am not one to usually care about money as long as I am financially stable, I am rather spontaneous and you know, I have faith that all my hard work and continuous hard work will pay off. Hehe, pay off….. a pun…. Anywho, extra money was worth a bit, I didn’t make near as much at my current job and I needed to save more. I have dreams, folks. I hope you have dreams.

I also started a Bible study group with my lovely friend and that has become a blessing. We meet at fun little coffee shops of the coziest aesthetics to share our love of God as often a month we can. We support one another and God brought a blessing into my life by bringing us girls together.

 

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You can’t have too much God.

During the summer I spent alot of time outdoors as I usually do. Nature helps me alot. Bike rides, walks, listening to the noises of the woods and staring up at the beautiful sky God gives us everyday makes me feel calm, something I don’t feel often. Near my home we have a set of many paths and woods and I practically live down there when I am not at work, some sort of event, or at thee theatre. TheeAterrr.. I hope you said that in the fancy way I hope you did.

If I had to stay outside in the woods amongst the deer and squirrels for the rest of my days, I could and would, because feeling serene is much welcomed to a stressed out and frazzled girl like me. Although, let’s be honest, I like some frazzle now and then.

 

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Truly, truly God gave us a beautiful beauty. 🙂

I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.

I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.

I was also in a play. Being consistently involved in the theatre is (“the” theatre hehe, I crack myself up) is assiduously important for a hopeful Broadway dreamer such as myself. Now I will state one thing, I truely got tired of the negative or maybe only made up in my head negative thoughts towards me dreaming of Broadway and doing theatre at such a small and quiet community theatre. Perhaps, I could be going off and doing theatre in New York city right now if I just bought myself a plain ticket or budgeted up some gas money, but that’s not where my heart lies at this current time, completely. I like this tiny community theatre more than I thought I would when I discovered its whereabouts on a whim last spring of 2017….

Before I was doing some professional theatre, I was involved in bigger theatre companies, and I performed at one of the bigger and beautiful theatres around me in front of hundreds I believe, and while all that is a fond memory, a lovely learning experience, and a possibility for my future…. it’s not what I want right now.

While I never felt like I fit in anywhere in life, or felt like I wanted to fit in anywhere, I had a little bit of belonging hit me at this lil’ theatre. I don’t know completely why, but I care about that place for more reasons than I want to only let be known through my type. See while I love writing, sometimes it’s easier and more fun to speak full of animation. 🙂

After the play, which was The Odd Couple, a personal favorite now, due to the great atmosphere surrounding it, relatable storyline, silly characters, and most importantly lovely and lovely people to work with ( I use “lovely” twice for emphasis)…I started college in a big city with a big theatre district with a big hope that I was finally taking a bigger step towards my theatrical dreams. I was exploring the city, taking acting from a teacher who challenged me and instilled the thought that I could be as good as I wanted if I let myself believe it, and learned so much. I worked on campus and got to know my way about the school, I kind of got involved you could say in being a student, sitting at my desk. I had a callback for a major play at thee theatre district even. However, I had major daytime fears about accepting the role and decided after callbacks to just say no in case, and I ended up in a play at thee tiny community theatre I mentioned, which was a good decision. I think God was giving me a taste of the future with that callback, but keeping me in the present as I prayed for to Him for helping me make the decision actually at the theatre after I auditioned for the Canterville Ghost going on, on what to do and my dad immediately after I got home saw my stress and told me with the amount of being scared I was about the possibility of getting the “major” role, it wasn’t the time. God was answering me.

I enjoyed the Ghost show. I did. I enjoyed pretending to be a 15 year old version of myself.

So I continued school. I got better at singing. I gained more confidence. I continued going to voice lessons ontop of singing at school. Here is me pretending to be Eponine in one of my dad’s classrooms and this one of machinery where I sang my little heart out passing time and practicing my skills or so I hoped I was. Nah, I was. 😉

 

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I really love my hat here. Thank you Grandma, thank you mom. You know a good hat vibe. 🙂

One memory cherished by me forever is when my mom took me to go see Laura Osnes, Courtney Reed and Susan Egan, three of by Broadway role models, live in concert and meet them. Being called beautiful by Susan Egan, hearing the lovely voices of Laura Osnes and Courtney Reed fill my ears and finding so much hope for my dreams in one night of bonding with my sweet and loved by me mother, was such a dream come true. I love that 2018 memory.

I also got the opportunity to direct my first show, where at..thee same community theatre I mentioned… what what. Yes, yes. A role up in fancy theatre district would have prevented me from this rewarding experience. My heart was so happy to take on a challenging show, The Enchanted Bookshop. Ya’ll, I practically lived at the theatre if I wasn’t at school, work (which is at school) or outside in my loved nature.  I didn’t mind though. I loved seeing the young littles learn what it takes to pick out costumes to blocking to exploring their own freedom and individuality onstage. I also learned some valuable lessons during this time.

I realized how much I dislike being a people pleaser. Hehe.. although this was a problem before, people began bringing it up to me how much it was affecting me during this time and I noticed how I have let this overtake many aspects of my life before in the past and in the present and how I couldn’t let it continue in my future. I am working on it.

Back to the topic of the show. I also got my little sister involved, she made 25 beautiful drawings and watercolors for my set and helped me out at the theatre all the time. My sister and I had many adventures relating and not relating to the theatre this fall. I love her and cherish those fond memories.

I also became friends with Princess Anna. I love providing true moments of love in children’s hearts and this new little side job is so lovely to me.

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“For the First Time in Forever” I am feeling more like myself again and happy to be myself once more. 🙂

I started going to church more again close to home in a small community. I am on the praise team and let me tell you! I love this chance to continue to worship my Lord. I love it. I love God and I love singing to Him and for Him. I don’t go to church every Sunday, no, I am a tired girl and like to try and sleep in. Wait, does anybody have it where you finally can sleep in, but your body is used to less than 6 hours and you wake up anyway? Oh the conundrums. I love God, y’all.

The show came to and end and I was in another show, because knowing me, why not? A Wonderful Life. Thankfully, I had a small part. It was also nice to play someone that wasn’t in love and wasn’t smiling and wasn’t just yearning to be married for once. While that is fun and a part I enjoy playing, it is so much like me and I so often play those gals, a small role that provided me something a little different like Miss Carter, a tired bank examiner was well necessary. To further the honesty, I didn’t only do the show because I like theatre, I just liked the social aspect this time more than anything. I am a social human when I am not being a loner recluse… hehe. 🙂

So finals came and went, and I got a great GPA amongst all the nerves. I then quit school lickedy split and quit my job and decided to apply for gazillions or maybe not gazillons of jobs around me. I wasn’t going to school next semester because I needed to save money. I yearn for the city one day, and I also yearn for a little more stability at times where my mind isn’t off in spontaneous land of which I love and I also yearned to go out more and do more which required more money again. So off to the job interviews and applying I went.

Where am I now? I am in my room by my window listening to the gentle raindrops fill the aesthetic around me. No really, though. Right now I am working as a preschool, pre K and kindergarten teacher assistant float and my first task is to bring in theatre to the school curriculum. I am getting paid nicely which helps, but my heart is not hurting there. The hours are so nice, normal hours, y’all. The best part is, I love kids and everyday is different. I get to provide positivity to the littles everyday.

I am also on the board of that theatre which is nice because I don’t want to be on the board of something merely to say I am on the board of something. I actually want to see this theatre grow and become more. Again, I feel a connection to the funky little though actually nicely spaced building. I want to help that place and I am about to direct The Diary of Anne Frank. A tragic story of the lives of so many back in World War II being told through the view of a little 13 year old girl, a true story of hope amongst fear is a beautiful piece of history to bring to our stage. I have faith it’ll be a rewarding show for audience members too.

I am also working on myself. I am studying, planning, researching and looking into what lies ahead. I am taking care of myself, maybe I will get more sleep. Seriously, I wrote down on a piece of notebook paper (like that’s going to help) that I will try and sleep by 11:30 which would be at least 7 hours of sleep. Nonetheless, I night owl it, but I want to take more care of myself physically. I am going to become a fitness instructor finally, I am going to do my job the best I can, I am going to write more, I am going to do what I love more, I am going to be a recluse if I want and I am going to be as much of a people person as I want, I am going to share so much love among the people in my life and I am going to continue to grow closer to God.

I also will probably bake a lot as usual because that’s kind of my aesthetic when it comes to my lone time ways late at night.

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I seriously will own my own little bakery one day, maybe in Scotland in a small and tiny town where we bake fresh chocolate glazed donuts with rainbow sprinkles and have a bakery puppy keep us company. Talk about serene, now that’s a serene dream. 🙂

I love my puppies. ❤

Maybe I will ride horses again. Perhaps, I will start sewing more. Who knows? I am looking forward to the possibilities of the year. I welcome the newness in and welcome all changes coming my way with a hopeful heart. I have a sweet and supportive family and I have sweet and supportive friends all of whom I love. I love everyone. God blessed me with so much love in my heart and I appreciate being this way. Thank you God. I thank you God for everything. 🙂 ❤

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My most cupcakey dress I own brings me girly vibes of which I love. 🙂

I continue to mention the word “girly”. You may or may not realize I am a very independent girl and I tend to be a very outgoing loner. Well, while I like being this way, I am also about to be 20 and let’s be very honest here, I have never even been on a date. Being the girly young woman I am, of course I have hoped for that opportunity and will until it happens one sweet day. I think it’s very okay to want that. God created us to have partners in this world to help us grow closer to God and help us along in this life to provide care and support and adventure. You see, I for a long time thought my love of being “girly” and “feminine” to a high degree warded off the men. So I kind of tried to stop a bit? Well, that was upsetting. So as silly as it may seem in this day in age to speak so femininely about wanting a relationship, it’s just me. I have a lot of love to share. Nevertheless, the POINT IS, any of you girls or guys out there don’t change yourself for somebody, unless it is for the better. Be the girliest or ungirliest or whatever you want if that’s who you are. Someone will appreciate you for you. God loves you the way you are, He created you this way. Stay yourself. 🙂

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I love Christmas and I love pretending to be in the 1950s. This is one of my my many aesthetics and probably one of the most “feminine”…. and I don’t mind it. I don’t mind it one bit. 🙂

Even if you stumble, even if you fall, taking chances and going for what you want is worth it. I want to do that more even next year. After all, every time we go through strange times eventually it will seem like a lifetime ago and be all alright. God will pick you right up, you have to keep your head up. 🙂

All in all….

This year was magenta because magenta is a mixture of dark, but brightened up full of light to make is less than deep pink and more of a slowly becoming light pink. I had faced a lot of hurt and change, ups and downs as I am sure we all have, but at the end of the day or should I say year, I am blessed to have lived it. God makes me stronger through it all.

Magenta is also a pretty color.

You are loved by God and by the strange me and Happy New 2019. 🙂 ❤

Please remember

Pslams 118:24 ESV

“24 This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

 

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

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