As of course I always hope you are moving through your day with an upbeat stride in your steps from anywhere you go, truly hopeful each passing moment is important and fine, fine, fine to live through. It is. 🙂
For me, my week was dark blue. Blue is pretty. I find blue calming. I find blue sad. I find blue lost. I find blue gentle. I find blue hidden amongst a “sea” of hope. “Sea” because the sea is blue.. yes. A pun. 🙂
Overall my previous week, although I’ve been physically fighting some silly kind of bug of a cough and losing my voice on and off, that’s the LEAST of my concerns.
I had a most lovely Janurary 1st. I hung out with my friend. My dear, dear friend whom I only met last summer, but has already made more of an impact on me than she knows. I love that girl. Our friendship means a lot to me, as friendships do. We walked around town, smiled for sweet photos and ate her homemade snack mix. Nonetheless, the day was blue because I was somewhat still sad, but being with a positive and calming friend brought me hope and that was day one of a new year, which supposedly means something, nevertheless, I don’t find it means much more than a new number. However, metaphorically speaking, wow it’s a new year. 😉 A new year, shouldn’t I not be sad at all? Not even a tad?
Lately, I haven’t been feeling much yellow, or lavender or bright and zazzley pink. I’ve been at this blue. I know why and I don’t know why either. I don’t need to make sense. It’s not how I seem to work at times.
There are of course reasons we can all turn to for being sad, for feeling down and for being upset and lost. There are more attainably changeable surface reasons, “I didn’t sleep enough”, or “I got a speeding ticket”. Those are two surface level happenings that I do to myself that cause me a bit of blue. I need to not speed, and I need to go to bed and snooze.
Then there are the deeper reasons. These reasons can be a combination of surface reasons all bumbling into one another and causing you to fall quicker and deeper, or they can be frankly, reasons that by even only having one can cause your week to be less than yellow. They can be heavy and personal.
I have a couple problems I am facing in my life right now. I haven’t been taking care of myself as well I should be. Golly, no not at all. I’ve learned so much in regards to valuable guidance from God and through family and friends the last year and half, personally and professionally somewhat, I’ve tried and worked and put into action advice and direction I’ve receieved. I’ve said no, I’ve said yes. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve second guessed. (This is quickly turning into a poem). Nevertheless, I still find my forward nature becoming lessley (it’s a word now) full of zest. I feel like I’m in some sort of test.
I can’t speak on certain situations or events or happenings in my life unless if it only hinders nothing, as I want to protect. It can be known however, that I’m tired and I’m fretting about letting myself become one of the many and be accepted or keep being myself though by this I find myself about to be less and less understood.
Don’t we all seek to be understood, or at least at times? Maybe. Maybe not, but I sure do. I don’t make sense often and I’m tired of hearing people to tell me to be more realistic. It really adds up and hurts bad when I let the words actually change my opinions, my decisions and how I live my own life out. As long as I’m not affecting anybody else, why should it matter. I understand when people want to protect me or want what’s best for me, but I have recently (including this week) when sifting over a lot of huge decisions I can either make or not make right now which will change the course of my life once more, find a what’s best for me may be different than a baseline definition already made.
My life is also not static. It’s not one bit.
I do realize I have quite high standards for everything in my life, maybe that’s why to some I may appear to be a bit silly or unrealistic. Maybe I am, but what’s so bad about it? The high standards I try my best to keep, keep me pushing for better jobs, or better plans, or better atmospheres, okay, honestly, a better life. I can’t let myself lower my standards to fit a definition I have no intention on defining my life.
My week brought me blue from being with friends giving me calmness, to being blue to being sad, yes, I am sad for some personal reasons in my life, to feeling lost, because I do feel a little lost as I just need to know if someone can understand me even if they don’t agree, I yearn to be understood, and it was blue in the gentle moments and it’s blue, dark blue because dark blue is classic though.
Classic is timeless. Timeless is unchanged by different definitions being made by people who want to change everyone to fitting into their realistic approach. Timeless is it’s own, and timeless shows me hope, that I can live timeless in my own path. I won’t be alone no matter what I choose. I’ve chosen to have a faith in God that will be here all the way in this life I live, through every color and every definition being defined. I have hope.
This week was blue because I’m tired. I’m not always going to be tired though because I’m doing something about the blue that shows me tired, I’m going to change what I need to change, and it’s all full circle because to embark on changes I will have to be calm and understand the whereabouts of the sadness and know why I feel don’t want to feel lost and how to put a stop to it and become more hopeful than ever.
I know God is with me. I often find myself praying late at night at a total loss and know only He can help me. I break down and cry. His power overcomes the air and I find His presence calms me more than anything I have known. Our God is timeless. He is indeed the best hope we have and He will not leave you, He won’t. So I must remember that as I move onward into my week, and decide upon choices that will effect my life once more. I do some spontaneous things, but often with a whole lot of thinking through. Who knows what’s next for us, right?
Happy week and remember you’re worth it. 🙂
Molly Marie 🙂