Howdy non aliens of the universe,
I hope your week is the exact color you are trying to mix it up to be as of so far, whether rainforest green or copper or red as red can be.
Mine is currently a cloud, a mix of grays, lights and darks. It’s good and it’s got some unforeseen uncertainties. It’s not bad, and not at all altogether bad, but it’s hard to figure out. Nonetheless, by the end of the week I want to be able to look back and see it altogether be magenta, whether it was a slow unfurling of the greys mixed with pieces of red along the way or a sudden change just plopping the grays out of the way making room for a magenta hue, I don’t mind. Although, I prefer the sudden change, magenta where are you? Of course, I understand a good ole’ unfurl of the grays though, maybe a slow unfurl could be a good thing, helping me slowly figure out the reason I’ve been surrounded by grays anyway.
Should I mention the grays?
I could. Silly enough, I probably won’t. I can’t really. Here’s my first gray, a gray exists in this soot because there are so many pieces of life that I want to share, I want to write about and I want to understand better by doing just that, sharing and writing, BUT I cannot so often, I cannot. It stinks, let’s be true. Whether it be about work life and work situations, or it be about places I was in involving others, or it be about my family in a happening or my friends and a circumstance or even just my heart and mind towards anyone or anything, there’s so much I have restricted myself from sharing. Why?
Why because for the time being, it’s a sensible move.
For example, events that take place at work, stressful or silly, memorable or exhausting, the whole shebang of possibilities that strew from my professional pieces of life, are to be mostly kept to the premises of which I work, or maybe within the close knit conversation between confidantes where I can share a sliver of to either receive advice, support or a giggle or two. It’s not always a smart move to talk about work publically, which is something I stray often from doing.
Then there comes the aspects of my life involving other people. Oh my goodness, these can get to have a very fine line, these aspects. What names can I share or what events or moments can I share without being too unambiguous? What parts of my life, that may have or may currently be affecting me so deeply can I write on or let outside of my heart and mind for a tad to discuss and unfurl? Not much it seems, I don’t want to have anybody making assumptions on others and I also don’t always want people to make wrongful assumptions about me or for people to know everything about me in certain times.
The grays in this category, this middle gray color of uncertainty and sadness that comes with the necessary unfurling of these grays, is very prevalent this week.
Thankfully, I am so often alone, off and about and experiencing my own little adventures, physically on the earth or emotionally within my own mind, that there is so much for me to share where only myself is present. No one can be hurt, nothing can be affected negatively, except for me.
Except for me?
Even then, this can be strange.
I love sharing myself, my stories and my thoughts. I love sharing my observations and my workings and my passions and dreams. This is true for real life with the people I encounter down to my closest bezzies of family and friends. I want to share when I want to.
I just hope one day soon I can share more. I want to share my whole heart, or at least closer too, my mind without rewording and rewriting as I’m scared someone may misconstrue and my life outside of my easy to see runnings arounds and often only written abouts too.
There is more to a photo and a story to be written than what is always wrote out and I hope one day soon I will be able to say more without my fine line. A fine line is quite fine sometimes, but I only feel prevented in these grays. This is my fault, my line that I set, for others sake and my own. Nonetheless, I think I may try and find an eraser to start working on erasing away the marked line I wrote invisibily around myself.
Due to the fact that this week was so gray for so many reasons I won’t allow myself to speak about, I will leave off at this…
Its been gray. It’s been light gray like a cloud about to empty just a bit of rain before God surprises us with a vibrant rainbow in the very cloud, it’s been medium gray where we see a little smoke blocking our view as we wave our hands to try and sift it out of our eyesight and it’s been dark gray. Dark gray where I have felt so unsure, I know the storm is about to hit anytime, the rain will pour, but just how long will it last, that’s the dark gray.
I must say, there is definitely more light gray then dark. As I usually do, I see many of God’s hope bringing rainbows always on the way. I see magenta too, in that rainbow full of reds all the way down to blues.
So personally, so professionally, so neither and both, I have a lot to work on and continue not working on this week to become magenta. Maybe I can’t share it all, again, but that doesn’t matter, I can share one thing for certain… Through this strange and gray week, I chose out of the rainbow of hope from God that I want magenta. Magenta is pink and it’s red. Pink is sweet and pink is so me. Red is enthusiastic and determined and red is so me. A mixture of both makes me feel most like me. How do I get there after I unfurl the grays?
I romanticize my life. I make the smaller and the most simplest puzzle piece of my day the most overwhelmingly positive moment in time. I may sleep in an extra 20 minutes listening to my favorite music as I lay comfortably between my cozy blankets and make myself believe this is the best and most comfy light gray cloud I’ve ever layed upon, and the music is the most lovely tunes right in the moment in the world which could make me feel so relaxed.
I may remember why I look forward to my commute to work. I can pray, I can be silent and listen to the quiet, or I can listen to music to bring up my upbeat mood or calm me down and make me think. I make this commute enjoyable.
I could look outside and see how the weather is doing. Oh weather, are you happy and sunny, are you cold and dreary? Maybe you’re raining peacefully or snowing serenely? I can observe the weather and try to understand it, even though there may be no understanding to it. I can pretend and sit and just think about it, and appreciate it.
Part of how I stay so cheerful is because indeed, in all of the whirlwinds of life bringing about a clutter and tied up ball of grays, I find those kind moments, which can be almost each and every if they are kind moments to romanticize, and really turn into magenta.
Romanticize. I romanticize life. I like it that way. I truly do romanticize it, maybe that’s why I’m always so pumped about the simple things, wait no, it is, like Valentine’s Day. It’s nearing again. No, I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a date, but I am not against it because of this. There’s so much love we can give to life too, everyone, friends and family. Maybe that’s not a typical viewpoint, it’s just a made up holiday of course, but actually has historical context outside of its Hallmark card pursuits. One of the stories of who Saint Valentine was, I’ll share. There is a belief that Saint Valentine was against the decree that young men could not marry because under rule it was thought being single made for better soldiers and so Saint Valentine performed secretly, marriages for couples in love.
Nevertheless Valentine’s Day has always been for me one of those simple days to romanticize. It’s just cute. I love the pink and I love the red and the purple and the pastels. I love the fluffy stuffed animals sitting together upon the department store shelves. I love the chocolate and the hearts galore that I can go and buy for myself. I love it. Basically, I carry this love for Valentine’s Day around the year. I don’t think it’s my love for Valentine’s Day that causes me to be so interested in love, and these cute outward ideas of the day, but my love already in me for romanticizing life that makes me want to romanticize a romantic holiday. From dying my hair bright red and twirling around in pink dresses, to loving to talk about love and sweet things all to how I like living my life, I basically do feel like a human Valentine, which makes me feel so happy. Isn’t being happy such a sweet emotion? Yes. So I find what makes me happy and I romanticize it in my mind.
I hope you have a Valentine.
I hope you find your rainbow today, God is giving you hope, please accept it.
Molly Marie 🙂