With all the feelings you could be feeling, I hope you are feeling your favorite ones today and as of late.
I am feeling a mixture of many today, and these aren’t just today feelings in colors, but a bubbling of colors from the past few months that consistently appear more vibrantly than others.
So what colors do we have? We have light and faded pink, dark yellow, a rainforest green, slight pastel pink and a bright blue. They all mean something and they all make sense with my emotion. I will explain, but first, I finally made a big decision and I am not currently sharing it much to many people because I am a little unsure how, so it’s nice to share it to myself if anyone through writing.
I am 90% sure I will be going now, going to New York, not for a trip and no, not forever, but for awhile. The thought of going about 3 years ago, well I cannot recall exactly, but I believe it was all bright blue and shining yellow, whereas I was scared, but KNEW, I KNEW, I was going to go, then the previous 3 years happened. In those three years I have wanted to pick up and move on the spot, redirect my whole life, move other places, stay put, go in the future, go other places first, stay home for the time being and more. I have wanted to cry at the thought of being so sure and yearning to go and thinking I could not, I have cried thinking about how excited I was to be about to go, I have cried thinking about how I was supposed to already be there and am not and lately, I feel as if I have only cried thinking I needed to go now, but wanted to stay home…for now. I was lost in this sense over time, but not in each moment. God had me exactly where He wanted me.
God has kept me here in Ohio these past three years. So much has happened. I have learned, experienced, hurt and healed, discovered and adventured and found more of God’s will for me. I know God was keeping me here, I know it. The tears of hurt at the thought of leaving behind my life here so soon, proved it. It was not my time to go away to my soon future in a different state and in a different city quite yet. Lately, however, I feel so many loose ends, and lessons, and possibilities can continue to be tied up, discovered more, and soar from here even with me out of Ohio. I feel due to many life circumstances, God is giving me the decision, to stay or to go. I don’t cry so much anymore thinking about how scared I am to leave behind here, because I know what truly matters WILL NOT be left behind at all. I don’t fret due to the money, the realities of moving. I don’t get stressed thinking I am not ready or prepared. I feel only a decision needs to be made, do I want to stay or go?
I think I need to go.
Now I just said leaving doesn’t cause me as many tears. Maybe I should change that, after all, I am a Molly. I am emotional and dramatic and feel every color of the rainbow in a given time, but yes, just writing up my almost made decisions is striking a bit of a sadness in me, maybe its nostalgia, maybe it’s overwhelmed emotions, maybe it’s curiosity I am letting hold me back from things I can change, or maybe it’s just sadness, because for once, I am about to make a large decision that doesn’t cause me much fear or uncertainty. I feel a tear may fall.
It hurts to leave my family. It hurts to know I won’t see them everyday.
It hurt to leave my friends. It hurts to leave people apart of my life in Ohio.
It hurts to leave my home.
It hurts to leave the simple things, like my bike path, my outdoor home and my favorite places to dwell.
God can heal me from this hurt and turn it into love.
I can love my family and friends and the people even from a new place.
I can call somewhere new my home to love and still remember this as once my loving old home.
I can find my outdoor spots to love somewhere new and love my spots here in Ohio just the same.
I know God will give me all He thinks I should have or He wants me to have and what I hope for in His plan even going to New York. I will try my best to make the right decisions leading to these happenings.
I know to further God’s plan for me and to further His purpose and the passions He has given me, this move could help.
I don’t really know how to bring up this ever-growing thought to anyone besides God and myself. It has always been known to family and friends and many others my dream of finally making the decision to do the spontaneous move, to further my dreams in musical theatre and journalism and just GO. Now that dream is finally finalizing. My family and my friends and everyone is supportive and I am so glad God kept me here to experience the life I needed here. When I say experience I mean, help those I could, be with those I could, love those I will always love and meet those I did and cherish memories I will always keep.
I have done so much research on New York living and academies if I decide to go. I one time got scared and sad in a sense and dropped my research, knowing the time wasn’t right. Something happened and the urge to research and plan again, was put in me by God more and more recently and largely quite lately.
I am looking at applying to either conservatory programs, academies or schools, or maybe none of those, and perhaps just move and go from there with all of my other little bits of planning taking place. I am not as dewy-eyed as I may seem except that I am, but God has used this piece of my personality to guide me in His plan for me and I will accept it, while trying to gather as much education as I can that He provides for me. I try to be as educated and aware as I can be, while maintaining the curious sort of innocence I have come to realize is always going to be in me.
I plan to leave by age 21, that is next February. Maybe this Fall or maybe next Spring. This is my plan and while it causes me sadness to type, it causes me hope as well. I know God gives me hope and it’s Him helping me make a literal big “move” in my life by trying to wipe away any thoughts of sadness in this stage of planning.
I don’t know if I should ask for the opinions of others, or not. I don’t know if I can bear all of the back and forth and opposing thoughts on what I should do. It overwhelms me so often because everyone has a different idea for my life so often and I get so….stuck. I get stuck not knowing how to decide. New York is one of my dreams because I also never wanted to feel stuck, I feel I can do more good when it was my time to journey there, and now it’s time and I am unstuck. Nonetheless, I was never stuck even when I felt like it, because God was only helping me. Sticking me where I needed to be with the people I needed to be with. So maybe I do need the opinions of others, to help me and further my plans.
I am not lost. I am not lost with God.
I am curious, that is why I am bright blue. I love my curiosity, it brings me great love and cheer in this life.
I feel sweetness in my heart, that is why I am light and faded pink.
I feel adventurous and so that dark green comes in.
The rainforest green signals learning.
That pastel pink sliver, is hope.
I feel these colors so often and so often regarding my big decision.
If anybody can help me out here with my bundle of colors, and sorting out my thoughts, please do. Do you think I am making a decision I should? Furthermore, what are your colors? I love learning about people, and colors are a very thought provoking way to do that. It would be nice to meet more people, especially if I’m about to move. The lovely technology God has blessed us with, can keep us in touch talking about our colors to each other forever from anywhere. 😉
Molly Marie 🙂