As I find my way walking along each day this week, I am surrounded by a shadow of light green casting its presence over interactions, decisions and feelings. Do you find yourself having any color around you specifically this week?
Light green signifies a gentle adventure. When I think of green in its most usual state, I think of adventure. This adventure doesn’t have to be physical adventure by trudging through lost forests with a trusty monkey companion named Terrance. No, this adventure could be that though it can also be an adventure regarding the seeking out purposely or non purposely of new surroundings and possibilities in life. Now when I add that light green onto the green, it becomes more soft. Softness implies not brash, and gentle. Gentle adventures are small changes, small leaps and small possibilities finding their way into my life this week.
One of these light green happenings is my new outlook on my schooling. Sometimes with school I begin to forget how much I truly love learning and being in class because I become hindered by my fear of failure. Oh failure, why do I think I am a failure because my grades aren’t what I make up in my mind to be successful. I have always been this way, even though I am an A student who keeps up on her work and feels bad if she doesn’t do an essay to a certain ability she knows she has, I still stress. I get so upset if my grades even are high though not high enough. What is high enough? What is successful?
The number certainly doesn’t lie in my textbooks and my notebook.
I am not a failure, God made me how He wanted me to be. I am not defined by a grade, but rather my worth lies in God.
The answer lies in my determined nature to keep going and learning, because I took classes this semester, some that are new to me. For example, I took film and piano.
God has helped me pass piano song after piano song.
I know how to read music, I have been singing for years and have played flute. Nonetheless, the piano is rather different. Rhythm is my hardest “beat”. I can play the notes on the songs I am supposed to be playing, I can understand and perform legato, but I have a difficult time keeping with the 70 beats per minute metronome. I won’t give up though. I show up to class knowing that I am behind more so than desired, and that I could be farther along if I indeed practiced outside of class time, and during class time I tend to like to write poems along to music as I play, but no matter what, I wish I was just more skilled at piano. I knew giving up would be upsetting and was no a viable option, to become more musical and learn how to better go about musical theatre, I needed to continue to learn piano. So, I keep going to class, I keep trying and I am easy on myself. I don’t think I have to be at a certain level to be successful, but rather the consistent progress I am making is making me successful. God is helping me pass song after song.
I have dabbled in film by myself here and there, but I don’t know or I didn’t at the beginning of the semester, the difference between how to use the Canon XF-405 light settings and using a light kit with bright bulbs with barn doors to light up a scene. I didn’t know how to record using a H4N Zoom microphone/recorder or that I could sync sound so easily by myself. Now in my film class my professor respects that I own my own theatre company and that I know how to run auditions, so she let me teach the class how to run auditions and is letting me be apart of setting up auditions and doing auditions for our next film project. As well we are going to film for class a movie to practice working together and she is letting me be the actress to act out my monologue from Our Town, a play I am currently in, playing Emily. It is going to be quite different acting on camera a scene that I so often practice playing on a stage.
These are two beautiful learning experiences in my life and immersing myself in them rather than stressing about them or thinking they aren’t what I should be doing, I don’t even know what that could mean, is so much more adventurous and I love adventures. My new feeling towards class is light green.
The next adventure is of course all the little things, like trick or treat with my sister and giggling as we ate candy and walked along spooky and windy roads. The Improv team I am on, Improv 841, performs tonight and that is always a most unexpected adventure considering you have no idea what the night will bring outside of the structure of the games, except you know it’ll bring silly memories. Working with theatre family for A Christmas Carol just makes my heart so happy. For A Christmas Carol, I have a respectful and intelligent director and assistant director. I don’t need to be at all rehearsals, and most of producing and running the company takes place behind the scenes. I also wanted to let the directors feel they had my trust. Then on Tuesday night, I wasn’t going to go to rehearsal, but deciding I truly wanted to, I did. I stayed out of the rehearsing process for the most part and some of my younger girlfriends in the cast came and helped me organize when they were not in the scene. The feeling of freedom of founding a theatre company and being productive on your time, is an adventure in itself. I love nights where I can bond with my theatre family and not feel rushed. I felt relaxed.
One of the biggest light green adventures of this week was the feeling of excitement that sparked out of multiple transpiring, some of those personal and for me to keep. They are full of poems and full of future poems to be written. That excitement of adventure yet to come, is light green. I don’t feel hurt, I don’t feel stressed, but I feel lightly prodded by God in the direction He would like me to go with friendships, experiences and decisions in a determined yet gentle way.
Light green this week continues to teach me that being open to looking at a situation only a hair differently can make all the difference. Rather than when?, I have decided to ask more often how do I go from here?.
It’s a matter of either rushing and not enjoying, or relaxing and enjoying every moment in the process.
Have a beautiful week.
Molly Marie ❤