As of course I always hope you are moving through your day with an upbeat stride in your steps from anywhere you go, truly hopeful each passing moment is important and fine, fine, fine to live through. It is. 🙂
For me, my week was dark blue. Blue is pretty. I find blue calming. I find blue sad. I find blue lost. I find blue gentle. I find blue hidden amongst a “sea” of hope. “Sea” because the sea is blue.. yes. A pun. 🙂
Overall my previous week, although I’ve been physically fighting some silly kind of bug of a cough and losing my voice on and off, that’s the LEAST of my concerns.
I had a most lovely Janurary 1st. I hung out with my friend. My dear, dear friend whom I only met last summer, but has already made more of an impact on me than she knows. I love that girl. Our friendship means a lot to me, as friendships do. We walked around town, smiled for sweet photos and ate her homemade snack mix. Nonetheless, the day was blue because I was somewhat still sad, but being with a positive and calming friend brought me hope and that was day one of a new year, which supposedly means something, nevertheless, I don’t find it means much more than a new number. However, metaphorically speaking, wow it’s a new year. 😉 A new year, shouldn’t I not be sad at all? Not even a tad?
Lately, I haven’t been feeling much yellow, or lavender or bright and zazzley pink. I’ve been at this blue. I know why and I don’t know why either. I don’t need to make sense. It’s not how I seem to work at times.
There are of course reasons we can all turn to for being sad, for feeling down and for being upset and lost. There are more attainably changeable surface reasons, “I didn’t sleep enough”, or “I got a speeding ticket”. Those are two surface level happenings that I do to myself that cause me a bit of blue. I need to not speed, and I need to go to bed and snooze.
Then there are the deeper reasons. These reasons can be a combination of surface reasons all bumbling into one another and causing you to fall quicker and deeper, or they can be frankly, reasons that by even only having one can cause your week to be less than yellow. They can be heavy and personal.
I have a couple problems I am facing in my life right now. I haven’t been taking care of myself as well I should be. Golly, no not at all. I’ve learned so much in regards to valuable guidance from God and through family and friends the last year and half, personally and professionally somewhat, I’ve tried and worked and put into action advice and direction I’ve receieved. I’ve said no, I’ve said yes. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve second guessed. (This is quickly turning into a poem). Nevertheless, I still find my forward nature becoming lessley (it’s a word now) full of zest. I feel like I’m in some sort of test.
I can’t speak on certain situations or events or happenings in my life unless if it only hinders nothing, as I want to protect. It can be known however, that I’m tired and I’m fretting about letting myself become one of the many and be accepted or keep being myself though by this I find myself about to be less and less understood.
Don’t we all seek to be understood, or at least at times? Maybe. Maybe not, but I sure do. I don’t make sense often and I’m tired of hearing people to tell me to be more realistic. It really adds up and hurts bad when I let the words actually change my opinions, my decisions and how I live my own life out. As long as I’m not affecting anybody else, why should it matter. I understand when people want to protect me or want what’s best for me, but I have recently (including this week) when sifting over a lot of huge decisions I can either make or not make right now which will change the course of my life once more, find a what’s best for me may be different than a baseline definition already made.
My life is also not static. It’s not one bit.
I do realize I have quite high standards for everything in my life, maybe that’s why to some I may appear to be a bit silly or unrealistic. Maybe I am, but what’s so bad about it? The high standards I try my best to keep, keep me pushing for better jobs, or better plans, or better atmospheres, okay, honestly, a better life. I can’t let myself lower my standards to fit a definition I have no intention on defining my life.
My week brought me blue from being with friends giving me calmness, to being blue to being sad, yes, I am sad for some personal reasons in my life, to feeling lost, because I do feel a little lost as I just need to know if someone can understand me even if they don’t agree, I yearn to be understood, and it was blue in the gentle moments and it’s blue, dark blue because dark blue is classic though.
Classic is timeless. Timeless is unchanged by different definitions being made by people who want to change everyone to fitting into their realistic approach. Timeless is it’s own, and timeless shows me hope, that I can live timeless in my own path. I won’t be alone no matter what I choose. I’ve chosen to have a faith in God that will be here all the way in this life I live, through every color and every definition being defined. I have hope.
This week was blue because I’m tired. I’m not always going to be tired though because I’m doing something about the blue that shows me tired, I’m going to change what I need to change, and it’s all full circle because to embark on changes I will have to be calm and understand the whereabouts of the sadness and know why I feel don’t want to feel lost and how to put a stop to it and become more hopeful than ever.
I know God is with me. I often find myself praying late at night at a total loss and know only He can help me. I break down and cry. His power overcomes the air and I find His presence calms me more than anything I have known. Our God is timeless. He is indeed the best hope we have and He will not leave you, He won’t. So I must remember that as I move onward into my week, and decide upon choices that will effect my life once more. I do some spontaneous things, but often with a whole lot of thinking through. Who knows what’s next for us, right?
Being a new time in my life, I was looking back at a few of my poems I have written throughout many changes in my life. These poems are pocket-sized and there are only a pocket-sized amount here. Poetry is my favorite form of writing. I positively love poetry, no matter the type. I find it serene even when sad, when most happy and can always twirl the emotions in thoughts you weren’t aware you had. I loved poetry in school, I loved it out of school and I find it helps me feel better after writing or helps me feel even better depending on the circumstance. I don’t necessarily title my poems, I just sit and write and think of how I’m structuring them as I go, and I love pocket-sized poems particularly.
We begin and end with hopeful poems I’ve written because my hope is to always continue to help others find hope in the most pocket-sized pieces of life if they have too or want too. Pocket sized poems are quick to peruse and quick to spark something in you that will hopefully be a hope bringing fuse. (See what I did there? A pun AND a rhyme).. 🙂
When you fear the future…
Don’t let uncertainty be
The ending when something will finally set you free,
It’s not good to be all too carefree,
And it’s not good to continue to flee,
Don’t stay put like a tree
And wade in the waves of the sea
This will become a long eternity
If you’re never letting yourself have glee
It’s only a matter of time before we
All must eventually decree,
Who it is we will want to be
So sit back and relax and have a cup of tea
You’re going to be fine if you choose to be,
Yes, you’ll see
You can be one happy happy happy, ducky. 🙂
And you find serenity in the life from before and now and tomorrow…
You look back at the past,
You look inward to the present,
You look forward to the future,
You see a fast moving…pleasant feeling…times full of somewhat, well you’re unsure,
But you keep on aways thinking so pure,
You stay positive when you come to a dent,
You know life can move somewhat fast,
And you decide to look up at the clouds and smile for something good is bound, jus bound to happen next.
Always remember you get to be you at all times, this is your life and you’ve got this…
The dark nights endlessly begin to grow.
And sparks only we all yearn to understand, to know,
seem to stop telling us no,
Where did we go?
We choose this time though,
Where do we go?
It’s our chance to decide, oh
How life is strange and how life expands, worlds come together and galaxies link up, sometimes we see it and sometimes we don’t, take in a moment and let life slow. 💚When life seems bleak,
Remember you’re not at all going to let yourself be weak,
Turn the other cheek,
There may need to be more than one tweek,
but, hey, you’ve got this because you are unique.
I find so much means for poetry in nature with all God gave us outdoors…
Nature’s nice, why?
Though always changing
Though not always full of golden beaming sunshine rays
Though sometimes bringing chaotic disarray
Though always surprising
Why that’s the cause
Nature’s nice, why?
It is always gratefully changing
It is always full of rainbows God put in the clouds to lay
Sometimes it even gives us a cool starry night display
It is always giving us the best kind of surprising
Because it’s beautiful nevertheless. 🙂
And when you feel all alone, your Creator God loves you and wants YOU here on this earth…
I hope you feel something within your heart sparking you to feeling you deserve great love,
I wish for you to know inside your mind wholeheartedly that you are worth more than all the hurt inside though know you can right now be free of,
Moving forward and onward I dream of each of us to always know we deserve only and all of the hopeful love from the sad thoughts above.
You are special and by God above you are loved, loved, loved. 🙂
You’re loved by our one and only God and worth so much.
Due to the year coming to a close, a close close, truly as we only have about 6 hours yet, I hope you decide to positively reflect on your experiences throughout the year and then can look forward to 2019 with excitement and hope and most importantly faith that next year will bring healing and every bit of happiness you yearn for, because why not? Never let yourself decide you want less than you know you hope for.
I hope you’re well.
I am well. Weller than last year at this time, weller than 6 months ago, weller than 3 months ago, weller than 1.5 months ago, weller than 3 weeks ago and weller than 10 and a half days ago and weller than yesterday and weller everyday, why? I give the answer all to God and the determination He has instilled in me to keep my head moving forward.
I do want to say this though, given the fact that I have at present time reached a level of strength in my faith and will to stay smiling more genuinely than before, I am downright scared to admit how happy and truly hopeful I am in my current state, because I am terrified to lose it all.
Golly, I am fearful. I despise this. I have constantly battled with different variations and levels of fear coming from all sorts of directions this past year and have with God and the support He has provided me from loving folks surrounding me, been able to overcome those hurts and upsets, but this fear is possibly the worst because it tests my faith in God.
I have always had a way to keep my faith in God even when nothing seems to be going right, or not enough of what I think should be going right is going right. I still have so much faith in God, I know He loves each of us, but I don’t know why I am feeling so much fret besides the fact that I am fretful I am going to lose the love God has shown me this year.
I guess that’s just it. Now that life is going the good kind of strange, the good kind of sweet, the good kind of forward, I am scared it’ll stop and I’ll falter onto the mindset I had last year at about this exact time, one of fret and one unlike me.
The thing is, as one of my good friends said to me once, “You can’t lose with God.”
That stuck with me from the moment the words left her sweet grin. She is right, I cannot lose with God.
That sentiment helps me immensely, and so I am going to really focus on keeping my faith each day more than ever before, because I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy my life changing constantly, from small to big to everything in between things, because it creates more adventure of which I crave, and I think in all of these things are lessons, love, hope, enjoyment and happiness which God wants for me. Living in this fear that I will lose my spirit will only hinder my hope and that’s something I have to work on, for the sake of others and for the sake of myself.
I don’t want to become hopeless, because I most certainly am NOT and because I do not want to spread the thought of being hopeless amongst anyone. We have God. He gives us hope. I don’t have time in this lifetime to lose that hope given to us by Our Creator.
So I share why this year was magenta.
Early on in this year I cried a lot. You must understand I was only 18 at the beginning of the year, I was thrust into some strange life in a cubicle where I was getting paid more than usual for someone my age where I went to fancy meetings and got free stuff and free food and had a neat badge for hospital entryways and the whole shebang. I was in good physical shape, constantly keeping my fitness routine in check, and I had and still have a supportive family, I had dreams, I was having fun or I think I was, and I had sweet friends and I was in a play, which made me feel like I was still going after my dream or one of them and I was studying for my fitness certification, which is something I long to receive to bring health and a love for healthy and energetic living to others, as I thought I was healthy. Nevertheless, I was falling apart by the seams slowly everyday.
While I love being open and personal, some things are just to keep to myself and for now, I will keep everything that was ripping me up to myself on here. I have shared many of my testimony to friends, to family and to everyone around me, I just find some things easier to share personally when more can be understood face to face instead of computer screen to text, ya know? So anybody who wants some spark of hope or loves to know how the hopeful and usually upbeat me can somehow be more than sad and have more cases of the mean reds than, well, usual, you may ask. I believe wholeheartedly in sharing testimony to not only help others, but to bring answers and hope. ❤
Well here is me last year…..
Alot happened this year. I put an end to a lot of goings on in my life after winter ended. Spring began and I needed to be myself again. After changing my life personally and professionally, I began to become Molly once more. I was smiling. My mom and dad and friends worried about me like crazy, but I was okay. I created a Youtube channel “signedlovemollymarie” and started working on my blog earlier than that to try and talk through my goings on and bring the knowledge of having faith in God to others. Plus, let’s be honest, I love making videos, I love writing, I love editing and making cute aesthetic thumbnails, I like that sort of thing. It helped me sort out my mind though as I transitioned in my life again.
Here is one of my videos about prayer. You all must know, prayer is real. Prayer works. Prayer heals, prayer helps and God listens to us, He hears us and He loves YOU. He wants the best for us, but please oh my golly please have faith that He will give you all you ever wanted even if not in the way you expected.
I just want to cry thinking about how much God loves us, it is beautiful.
You can see what I mean by having fun editing. I go all out cutesy and girly. I fully accepted my cutesy and girlyness this year again. Seriously, I was changing even surface level pieces of my personality unintentionally at times just because I thought I needed to be someone else to be loved. That is so untrue. People will love you for YOU. God loves you for you. Only change if it is for the better, not because you feel you aren’t enough. You are enough and you are worth so much.
Nonetheless, the days go by. I pack up my cubicle at Primetime. I start working at a kids camp at an outdoor park where my heart soars knowing while temporary, I was going to make the most of the sunshine, the children’s sweet love and healing I was hoping to embark on all summer. I was struggling a lot, but I decided I was going to finally let myself want to get happy. I started selling Perfectly Posh, becoming a little sales consultant for a natural and all made in the USA pampering products line. So girly, so useful and so me. I had my own little business, something to work on, a project and I could make a little money.
I am not one to usually care about money as long as I am financially stable, I am rather spontaneous and you know, I have faith that all my hard work and continuous hard work will pay off. Hehe, pay off….. a pun…. Anywho, extra money was worth a bit, I didn’t make near as much at my current job and I needed to save more. I have dreams, folks. I hope you have dreams.
I also started a Bible study group with my lovely friend and that has become a blessing. We meet at fun little coffee shops of the coziest aesthetics to share our love of God as often a month we can. We support one another and God brought a blessing into my life by bringing us girls together.
You can’t have too much God.
During the summer I spent alot of time outdoors as I usually do. Nature helps me alot. Bike rides, walks, listening to the noises of the woods and staring up at the beautiful sky God gives us everyday makes me feel calm, something I don’t feel often. Near my home we have a set of many paths and woods and I practically live down there when I am not at work, some sort of event, or at thee theatre. TheeAterrr.. I hope you said that in the fancy way I hope you did.
If I had to stay outside in the woods amongst the deer and squirrels for the rest of my days, I could and would, because feeling serene is much welcomed to a stressed out and frazzled girl like me. Although, let’s be honest, I like some frazzle now and then.
I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.
I was also working on my fitness routine to become healthy in my eating habits and exercise habits again. Really working, I was and I became better. I was becoming better at staying true to my heart. I was hopeful.
I was also in a play. Being consistently involved in the theatre is (“the” theatre hehe, I crack myself up) is assiduously important for a hopeful Broadway dreamer such as myself. Now I will state one thing, I truely got tired of the negative or maybe only made up in my head negative thoughts towards me dreaming of Broadway and doing theatre at such a small and quiet community theatre. Perhaps, I could be going off and doing theatre in New York city right now if I just bought myself a plain ticket or budgeted up some gas money, but that’s not where my heart lies at this current time, completely. I like this tiny community theatre more than I thought I would when I discovered its whereabouts on a whim last spring of 2017….
Before I was doing some professional theatre, I was involved in bigger theatre companies, and I performed at one of the bigger and beautiful theatres around me in front of hundreds I believe, and while all that is a fond memory, a lovely learning experience, and a possibility for my future…. it’s not what I want right now.
While I never felt like I fit in anywhere in life, or felt like I wanted to fit in anywhere, I had a little bit of belonging hit me at this lil’ theatre. I don’t know completely why, but I care about that place for more reasons than I want to only let be known through my type. See while I love writing, sometimes it’s easier and more fun to speak full of animation. 🙂
After the play, which was The Odd Couple, a personal favorite now, due to the great atmosphere surrounding it, relatable storyline, silly characters, and most importantly lovely and lovely people to work with ( I use “lovely” twice for emphasis)…I started college in a big city with a big theatre district with a big hope that I was finally taking a bigger step towards my theatrical dreams. I was exploring the city, taking acting from a teacher who challenged me and instilled the thought that I could be as good as I wanted if I let myself believe it, and learned so much. I worked on campus and got to know my way about the school, I kind of got involved you could say in being a student, sitting at my desk. I had a callback for a major play at thee theatre district even. However, I had major daytime fears about accepting the role and decided after callbacks to just say no in case, and I ended up in a play at thee tiny community theatre I mentioned, which was a good decision. I think God was giving me a taste of the future with that callback, but keeping me in the present as I prayed for to Him for helping me make the decision actually at the theatre after I auditioned for the Canterville Ghost going on, on what to do and my dad immediately after I got home saw my stress and told me with the amount of being scared I was about the possibility of getting the “major” role, it wasn’t the time. God was answering me.
I enjoyed the Ghost show. I did. I enjoyed pretending to be a 15 year old version of myself.
So I continued school. I got better at singing. I gained more confidence. I continued going to voice lessons ontop of singing at school. Here is me pretending to be Eponine in one of my dad’s classrooms and this one of machinery where I sang my little heart out passing time and practicing my skills or so I hoped I was. Nah, I was. 😉
One memory cherished by me forever is when my mom took me to go see Laura Osnes, Courtney Reed and Susan Egan, three of by Broadway role models, live in concert and meet them. Being called beautiful by Susan Egan, hearing the lovely voices of Laura Osnes and Courtney Reed fill my ears and finding so much hope for my dreams in one night of bonding with my sweet and loved by me mother, was such a dream come true. I love that 2018 memory.
I also got the opportunity to direct my first show, where at..thee same community theatre I mentioned… what what. Yes, yes. A role up in fancy theatre district would have prevented me from this rewarding experience. My heart was so happy to take on a challenging show, The Enchanted Bookshop. Ya’ll, I practically lived at the theatre if I wasn’t at school, work (which is at school) or outside in my loved nature. I didn’t mind though. I loved seeing the young littles learn what it takes to pick out costumes to blocking to exploring their own freedom and individuality onstage. I also learned some valuable lessons during this time.
I realized how much I dislike being a people pleaser. Hehe.. although this was a problem before, people began bringing it up to me how much it was affecting me during this time and I noticed how I have let this overtake many aspects of my life before in the past and in the present and how I couldn’t let it continue in my future. I am working on it.
Back to the topic of the show. I also got my little sister involved, she made 25 beautiful drawings and watercolors for my set and helped me out at the theatre all the time. My sister and I had many adventures relating and not relating to the theatre this fall. I love her and cherish those fond memories.
I also became friends with Princess Anna. I love providing true moments of love in children’s hearts and this new little side job is so lovely to me.
I started going to church more again close to home in a small community. I am on the praise team and let me tell you! I love this chance to continue to worship my Lord. I love it. I love God and I love singing to Him and for Him. I don’t go to church every Sunday, no, I am a tired girl and like to try and sleep in. Wait, does anybody have it where you finally can sleep in, but your body is used to less than 6 hours and you wake up anyway? Oh the conundrums. I love God, y’all.
The show came to and end and I was in another show, because knowing me, why not? A Wonderful Life. Thankfully, I had a small part. It was also nice to play someone that wasn’t in love and wasn’t smiling and wasn’t just yearning to be married for once. While that is fun and a part I enjoy playing, it is so much like me and I so often play those gals, a small role that provided me something a little different like Miss Carter, a tired bank examiner was well necessary. To further the honesty, I didn’t only do the show because I like theatre, I just liked the social aspect this time more than anything. I am a social human when I am not being a loner recluse… hehe. 🙂
So finals came and went, and I got a great GPA amongst all the nerves. I then quit school lickedy split and quit my job and decided to apply for gazillions or maybe not gazillons of jobs around me. I wasn’t going to school next semester because I needed to save money. I yearn for the city one day, and I also yearn for a little more stability at times where my mind isn’t off in spontaneous land of which I love and I also yearned to go out more and do more which required more money again. So off to the job interviews and applying I went.
Where am I now? I am in my room by my window listening to the gentle raindrops fill the aesthetic around me. No really, though. Right now I am working as a preschool, pre K and kindergarten teacher assistant float and my first task is to bring in theatre to the school curriculum. I am getting paid nicely which helps, but my heart is not hurting there. The hours are so nice, normal hours, y’all. The best part is, I love kids and everyday is different. I get to provide positivity to the littles everyday.
I am also on the board of that theatre which is nice because I don’t want to be on the board of something merely to say I am on the board of something. I actually want to see this theatre grow and become more. Again, I feel a connection to the funky little though actually nicely spaced building. I want to help that place and I am about to direct The Diary of Anne Frank. A tragic story of the lives of so many back in World War II being told through the view of a little 13 year old girl, a true story of hope amongst fear is a beautiful piece of history to bring to our stage. I have faith it’ll be a rewarding show for audience members too.
I am also working on myself. I am studying, planning, researching and looking into what lies ahead. I am taking care of myself, maybe I will get more sleep. Seriously, I wrote down on a piece of notebook paper (like that’s going to help) that I will try and sleep by 11:30 which would be at least 7 hours of sleep. Nonetheless, I night owl it, but I want to take more care of myself physically. I am going to become a fitness instructor finally, I am going to do my job the best I can, I am going to write more, I am going to do what I love more, I am going to be a recluse if I want and I am going to be as much of a people person as I want, I am going to share so much love among the people in my life and I am going to continue to grow closer to God.
I also will probably bake a lot as usual because that’s kind of my aesthetic when it comes to my lone time ways late at night.
I love my puppies. ❤
Maybe I will ride horses again. Perhaps, I will start sewing more. Who knows? I am looking forward to the possibilities of the year. I welcome the newness in and welcome all changes coming my way with a hopeful heart. I have a sweet and supportive family and I have sweet and supportive friends all of whom I love. I love everyone. God blessed me with so much love in my heart and I appreciate being this way. Thank you God. I thank you God for everything. 🙂 ❤
I continue to mention the word “girly”. You may or may not realize I am a very independent girl and I tend to be a very outgoing loner. Well, while I like being this way, I am also about to be 20 and let’s be very honest here, I have never even been on a date. Being the girly young woman I am, of course I have hoped for that opportunity and will until it happens one sweet day. I think it’s very okay to want that. God created us to have partners in this world to help us grow closer to God and help us along in this life to provide care and support and adventure. You see, I for a long time thought my love of being “girly” and “feminine” to a high degree warded off the men. So I kind of tried to stop a bit? Well, that was upsetting. So as silly as it may seem in this day in age to speak so femininely about wanting a relationship, it’s just me. I have a lot of love to share. Nevertheless, the POINT IS, any of you girls or guys out there don’t change yourself for somebody, unless it is for the better. Be the girliest or ungirliest or whatever you want if that’s who you are. Someone will appreciate you for you. God loves you the way you are, He created you this way. Stay yourself. 🙂
Even if you stumble, even if you fall, taking chances and going for what you want is worth it. I want to do that more even next year. After all, every time we go through strange times eventually it will seem like a lifetime ago and be all alright. God will pick you right up, you have to keep your head up. 🙂
All in all….
This year was magenta because magenta is a mixture of dark, but brightened up full of light to make is less than deep pink and more of a slowly becoming light pink. I had faced a lot of hurt and change, ups and downs as I am sure we all have, but at the end of the day or should I say year, I am blessed to have lived it. God makes me stronger through it all.
Magenta is also a pretty color.
You are loved by God and by the strange me and Happy New 2019. 🙂 ❤
Pslams 118:24 ESV
“24 This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
I sincerely hope life is going smoothly and excitingly for you at the same time, I hope it is out of this world even considering you are not an intergalactic alien. Considering my life is pretty full of adventure, encounters and change, I could go off on many stories today, but will choose just one encapsulating lesson to focus on for now.
I am very much, very hardly, very very diligently, I should say, working on putting an end to my cares of what other people think about my life, my decisions and my choices, I am in no need of continuing to be so lenient to other people who don’t earn or get my leniency towards them for sake of me “feeling bad” or in effort to make them “feel good” and protect their feelings. I am sure those people don’t always feel the need to “protect mine”.
First off, I care what God thinks of me. He is my Creator, OUR Creator, He is all powerful and the one whom I answer to and will ALWAYS care what He thinks. Other humans living out there lives here on the earth with me, they also need only to care about God’s opinion of them, MY opinion of them, well, it does not matter and vice versa.
Nonetheless, that isn’t to say we shouldn’t respect other people’s feelings, ideals and lifestyles. We can care about other people with decency and kindness, but we don’t have to think we need to answer to other people’s ideas of how we should live if we disagree when it comes to the things that only affect our own selves. Morals are still in place, always.
I was sitting in the car parking lot of a Rocknes with my friend and assistant director one day not long ago. She is a beautiful soul. She encourages me, puts me in my place and helps me. She is seriously, a good friend. She brings me water or coffee or offers help without me asking. These small things mean a lot to me. Well, we were talking and the conversation ended up with a few major themes..
I overthink too much.
I probably overthink if I overthink.
I try to constantly protect other people’s feelings over my own.
It is upsetting to realize I am in some sort of inner turmoil.
I knew I was this way. I always knew it. I think deep down I wanted to think God made me this way because He knew I could be someone out in the world making other people feel good because I would be able to push my own feelings aside enough and be okay through it all. I don’t know if God did make me this way, but if He did, I am thinking He didn’t want it to get to this extremity.
I am not one to anger easily or even become easily annoyed, but I knew something was boiling up inside me more often recently. I had the need to actually vent and in turn I ended up feeling doggone guilty and horrible that I was possibly even…..angry. Normally when I am feeling less vibrant it is because I am hurt, disappointed or sad, NOT because I am fed up, perturbed, or feeling disrespected and taking advantage of. Sometimes I let the overthinking lead to things that could prevent me from my own possible happiness, and I am my own worst enemy. It is then that the anger comes back to myself. It is all a loop no matter how you decide to look at it, and I am going to cut the loop before it can make me more dizzy than it already has.
Well it came time for me to draw a line and cut that loop finally. The past week and a half, wherever in my life that I feel I am once more caring too much about how other people view me, find myself overthinking or letting myself become lenient, I am becoming more aware on how to push forward.
It is difficult, but in the moments where I am able to force myself into the uncomfortable, I become more comfortable and my life is seemingly becoming less of the world’s and more of my own, more of what God’s purpose is for me, and more enjoyable to say the least.
I sincerely hope that if you find yourself with this sort of inner battle, you know that you can fight in and continue to live out the life God intended for you making sure that don’t miss out trying to protect what you have no need or authority to protect. God has got them, God has got you.
The reason this upcoming week is yellow is because yellow signifies new and hope and happiness. I feel this is a week leading towards that. I feel hope because I have let myself realize what I believe will help me for the rest of forever which in turn leads to more happiness in this life.
I hope you feel this same hope.
Have a yellow week!
Molly Marie 🙂
I feel very 1970’s vibe here with the high neck, dark pink velvet and long sleeve dress and tall tannish/brown boots. It is a groove, because life is a groove, always live it groovily and remember you are lovely and beautiful. Okay? Yes. You are. 🙂
You always must remember you are extraordinary and amazing and cool beans and awesome and all that jazz. That’s important.
I hope you are well and most importantly I hope you are smiling.
Right now. Please smile. Life feels nicer when we smile.
My week was full of genuine smiles this week. One short thing I want to mention about those smiles being genuine is that they were genuine because I am consistently letting God be my guide.
When I try to go about my life ONLY on my own and do things the “Molly way” ONLY, my life hurts and starts slowly falling ever so slightly to the wayside of hope. Never does my heart fall completely apart, because our God is good and He is keeping up the pieces for me, but I am seeing the benefits of letting God in more and more right now.
Not long ago was I taking routes I didn’t completely find healthy or hopeful for myself, but I did take those routes because I felt like it. Of course, I think I thought God was involved in some ways and perhaps He was, and of course I was learning and trying to grasp a better understanding on life, but that isn’t the point I am making here.
The point I am making is that for a long time I was placed in tremendous inner battles and tremendous physical battles in my life. Some battles I had no way of fighting myself and some I could fight, always with God on my side. Nonetheless, I felt God was trying to test my faith and I am so glad and overjoyed that I kept the faith.
I am now seeing all the joy I had all along, and through many past hardships, what patience, hope and continuous faith can provide. The blessings from God only keep coming and I know faith got me here.
Romans 8:18 ESV
“18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
Life is going to continue to put trials and pain in my way, but every time I make it through with God, I know the next occurrence of difficulty above my grasp and sorrow in my wake, that God will lead me through ALWAYS.
Why does this have to do with orange? A dark orange even?
My past week reminds me of orange, dark, because orange to me signifies EXCITEMENT, NEW, possible danger in my future and curiosity. This past week I have been discovering where faith has brought me more and more so… EXCITEMENT.
Why am I excited?
Currently, I am rather fulfilled with my circumstances being rewarding. I am going to school, like I said in a bigger city with a fabulous theatre district.
Last week I gave a performance for the song “Put on a Happy Face” in my voice class and my nerves were almost nonexistent compared to the week before. I felt I had made so much progress from just the previous week or so performance. I stayed with my timing better, felt more secure in the notes and pitch and most importantly, I had CONFIDENCE.
Then I also started my job up here. I work in student services. I love it. The other day I got to work a student get to know each other function and a talented man drew my characterature in about one minute and I got free chicken and veggies. I also get to meet lots of students on campus working in student life.
Back at home I am continually working on my own projects, studying to get my fitness instructor certification, being with friends and family, my Youtube channel, the Bible Study group I put together, and my own relaxation hobbies, like hopefully horseback riding soon, my bike riding and being in nature and working out, and baking up a storm. I love this balance I have achieved.
Thennnnnnn there’s my theatre happy fun times, y’all. I am directing a children’s show at a community theatre which is so rewarding to me. I love children, they have wildly awesome imaginations and will to learn. So besides rehearsals for that, I have been working hard to create a magical set, gather props and organize all that needs to be done for the show coming up.
I also am starting work soon as a Disney Princess for a party company. I get fitted this weekend for Princess Anna and get more training, which I am so pumped about.
I just finished up being in a play called, “The Canterville Ghost” so I currently am not in a play with exciting weekly rehearsals, well, actually I am in a play, but that doesn’t start until later this week so we ain’t going to include that in this post about my past week being orange, okay? No, we can. I love being in a show, EXCITEMENT, plus it’s a Christmas show and so I honestly am just thrilled to get in more holiday spirit through rehearsals. So rehearsals are orange too.
Yikes, I should add something more to this.
Well, one of the most exciting things yet is, I am now on the praise team at church!
God is good and I will worship Him from the bottom of my heart. ❤
I also don’t need people thinking I commit to every possible activity in the book.
I decided not to go to drama club up here at college, that counts as something right? It would have been so neat to get more involved up here in the city, but timing wise, it wasn’t going to work.
Actually, I don’t care what you think. I don’t mean that in a brutle way, but a more, we all shouldn’t try to be proving to everyone why we live out the lives the way we do.
Sometimes I find myself logging off of social media because of a fear I have that I am not going to dive into right now, but the fear is deep rooted in other’s opinions of me. I dislike this very much. Nonethless, I ultimately find myself logging back in and filling up the interweb with colorful emoji NOT overloads of some sort because I care more about doing my thing than what others think, but it does slow me down and hinder me a bit. The point is, EXCITEMENT, okay? Don’t let others ruin your orange excitement!
This, these happenings, are all quite new, so that’s the new aspect of dark orange.
Then there is a warning of..danger…which goes alongside curiosity. All of this excitement can also play into my curiosity because I am constantly curious about everything, whether it be for good, sadly, the bad, thee in between, the crazy crazy and the opposite to the boring, and in conclusion, well, all of the the excitement. Curiosity can get me into things I maybe shouldn’t try to be in or stumble into more than willing, but I like being curious and I think that’s one of my defining qualities, curiosity is in my personality. However, all this excitement does bring danger like I said and it doesn’t necessarily mean WILL bring danger, but it’s a warning of danger because of all these great and happy and exciting things, I have to be careful of the paths opening and coming my way throughout these blessings.
We know our weaknesses and despite my curiosities, I know what to stray and what to strive for. Nonetheless, feeling understanding of possible danger in various circumstances, keeps me safe and helps me keep God at the core of my heart and guidance.
It is certainly an orange time.
What color was your week and what does it mean to you? 🙂
I hope you’re not overwhelmed, but I continue to be. Much of the fact that I am overwhelmed is because opportunities have come knocking and I don’t know which path or direction to take. For a long while I felt I was meandering through parts of life where I couldn’t do much besides stick to one path because that path would eventually lead me to somewhere new or many of these now come opportunities.
Part of these opportunities are about my future job/college/career/goal and dream wise, some of these are friendship/family wise and some of these are personal or emotional wise aspects that are coming to me all at once.
I don’t have much time lately to stop and pause and remember what I would have done and wanted back, not even long ago, when I was struggling and only hoping I would one day soon make it to the path that diverges into several and a half. Well, God has brought me to the split path and now I am in a bubble of trying to elongate the time I have where I don’t have so much choice and decision.
This is silly on my part because I feel redundant to stay on the path I have been so much eager to leave, so for now I will share one little video with you. I made a Youtube Channel earlier this spring where I was so thrilled to share my hope and faith of God, and passions with you. I want to continue the channel soon when I free some time from other commitments I am making currently with my time I have, but I remember how sad, BUT hopeful I was a few months ago, being stuck and yet moving forward with determination. Looking back at the videos I made helps me remember what I truly think, feel and want. I am glad I made them and am glad to have a moment to ponder what it is I am going to have to decide for my life short term and long term for now.
The video below I talk about my outfit and dressing to feel, well, smiley. I was smiling and hopeful. I knew beneath my smile I also felt tremendous pain and hurt combined with stress, but so much determination and faith kept the smile wide.
I honestly don’t really feel like writing currently, but I do at the same time.
Oh golly, a very logical start. 😉
You must know that talking about myself or talking about subjects or stories I already know of, think about or talk about, to help bring messages across and hopefully relatable thoughts and experiences in life, can sometimes feel so redundant, and ultimately it can start becoming quite a bore to talk about my life at times.
I live so much in my own head, I am constantly rearranging, rethinking, OVERthinking, analyzing and imagining everything you can possibly imagine and then some and a half. When it comes time to share stories, share my thoughts or even share my feelings I am more than happy to often times, most times? I find it so enjoyable often, and am quite open, but then there are many times when it becomes a chore and I would much rather stay silent and ONLY (keyword is “only” right there) observe, take in and see and even when I feel the urge to defend or put my side in, it gets to a mentally overwhelming point at times where I feel too exhausted to care enough to speak….it’s a bummer.
Does this relate to you at all? Rather, can someone relate?
I sometimes feel I speak too much and sometimes don’t speak enough. I sometimes think too much and sometimes forget to let my mind sift more so. I sometimes am so focused and tuned in and sometimes my focus hits 0 and I struggle a whole lot just to grasp some sort of meaning. Sometimes I am calm and collected, but often I am in a mild sort of frenzy energetic state of mind and physical being. Of course, I can control these emotions and physical states well enough and quite often enough to handle in appropriate situations, but the hard part is, it still always comes one way or another and I have to supress it or hold it back from growing.
For example, I started a Bible Study with my friends and we try to meet once a week. It is quite lovely, we check out different coffee shops in various areas to support local businesses as well as widen our coffee shops around the Ohio area knowledge, hehe. Plus, little places like those are absolutely great atmospheres for friendly discussion and tea is tasty…or coffee…or hot chocolate…or water.
Well, I go to Bible study often knowing this is my only increment of free time for the next who knows exactly. I understand we are all busy at times, I understand I don’t have to be busy if I CHOOSE not to be, but I choose to BE busy and therefore, you’ll see where this goes.
So I have school, I go to college about an hour away from my home, depending on traffic commute can vary. I go four days a week. I am directing a show at a community theatre my heart loves, which is very rewarding and I am in a show at that very same theatre which means double rehearsals. I am starting work study, which means I made the choice to work while going to school as I need the money. I also have this Bible study I take care of, and I am trying to attend church more. I have my own little business selling Perfectly Posh. I want to become a fitness instructor so I am studying for that as well. I also am blessed to have many dear friends and a loving family of whom I want to keep a healthy and happy relationship with each and every person in my life. On top of all of that, I want to remain healthy, which means taking care of myself and giving myself free time. Well, where does the free time come in?
That’s where it gets tricky. Again, I make my life busy, so this is all me, I shan’t complain.
I love busy, I do pretty well as making myself have free time too, but we get to the point in three, two, one…
When I am at Bible Study, often I am wishing my relationship with God would grow stronger because in my mind I often feel I am being too busy or something silly when you think about it. I pray all day long, I love God with all my heart and thank Him so often. I am blessed, I see blessings He continues to give me and I feel Him working in my life guiding me and presenting me opportunities I have a choice to make.
I know I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow it, but even so having this strong relationship with our Creator, I still struggle in so many areas and one of those being… (hey, we got to the point…)
I am determined, yes. I am quite determined.
Say, I am doing an essay for school, I am determined to finish it, and so I get that paper finished. I am determined to get a 100% back, and so I make sure I get that paper back with a 100% on top. I am not, however, focused.
In my definitons here, or feeling defining definitons, I feel focused is more of a present mindset and determination is more of a futuristic mindset. This is getting artsy, I know.
I am definitley not an overall present mindsetted type of woman. I have been futuristic from way back.. (hehe, futuristic from “way back”). EXCEPT, I become very present minded when it comes to painful occurences, feelings, events, and sitations. I become so present I start losing determination to heal and become FOCUSED on feeling those negative feelings and staying put. Wow, what an enigma I have put myself into. It isn’t even just the big “woahs” or “oh my goodnesses” that cause me to lose determination in some way. I often can lose focus on trying to understand someone or something because my mind is whirring so hard, bouncing off the walls inside my cranium looking for who knows what to help solve a problem or what not, it gets annoying to me. I feel that often when I understand people my heart is taking the load of their heart and emotions and so I physically feel and emotionally feel, but my brain is not latching on all the time to their words because it’s anazlying other sense or even nonsense. This is sounding dramatic, but really, whether big or small, not all the time, but QUITE often, I struggle with focus.
I have dealt with my focus issue for, well, I don’t know how long and I don’t really think it matters, but it has began becoming more prominent with my life lately. Whether I lose focus on myself, or focus on a goal or dream, something simple like picking up a recipe to bake and becoming distracted and bored within two minutes and going off and starting something new for an hour before coming back 5 times, I get so upset that I have a problem staying focused, or even letting myself take in the words of someone else’s story rather than just take in their feelings and emotion.
Feelings and emotion have always made more sense to me and rationality is something I am very aware of, but don’t connect to it as well. I am quite logical and to the point with life, but when it comes to living, I am more prone to going with feelings. None of what I am saying makes sense, does it? I seriously find this post a color of light blue, maybe periwinkle even and that color is so calming and beautifully nostaligic to me so no matter what this was worth it to write.
This whole post is a pretty periwinkle.
I have less than two hours left before I can leave the college campus today and the irony is, writing this has distracted me from my workload that I lost focus on about 5 minutes in. Nonetheless, I sat and wrote this post through in one sitting. Hmmm. Life is strange.
Do you struggle with focus and does anything I say make sense?