I sincerely hope life is going smoothly and excitingly for you at the same time, I hope it is out of this world even considering you are not an intergalactic alien. Considering my life is pretty full of adventure, encounters and change, I could go off on many stories today, but will choose just one encapsulating lesson to focus on for now.
I am very much, very hardly, very very diligently, I should say, working on putting an end to my cares of what other people think about my life, my decisions and my choices, I am in no need of continuing to be so lenient to other people who don’t earn or get my leniency towards them for sake of me “feeling bad” or in effort to make them “feel good” and protect their feelings. I am sure those people don’t always feel the need to “protect mine”.
First off, I care what God thinks of me. He is my Creator, OUR Creator, He is all powerful and the one whom I answer to and will ALWAYS care what He thinks. Other humans living out there lives here on the earth with me, they also need only to care about God’s opinion of them, MY opinion of them, well, it does not matter and vice versa.
Nonetheless, that isn’t to say we shouldn’t respect other people’s feelings, ideals and lifestyles. We can care about other people with decency and kindness, but we don’t have to think we need to answer to other people’s ideas of how we should live if we disagree when it comes to the things that only affect our own selves. Morals are still in place, always.
I was sitting in the car parking lot of a Rocknes with my friend and assistant director one day not long ago. She is a beautiful soul. She encourages me, puts me in my place and helps me. She is seriously, a good friend. She brings me water or coffee or offers help without me asking. These small things mean a lot to me. Well, we were talking and the conversation ended up with a few major themes..
I overthink too much.
I probably overthink if I overthink.
I try to constantly protect other people’s feelings over my own.
It is upsetting to realize I am in some sort of inner turmoil.
I knew I was this way. I always knew it. I think deep down I wanted to think God made me this way because He knew I could be someone out in the world making other people feel good because I would be able to push my own feelings aside enough and be okay through it all. I don’t know if God did make me this way, but if He did, I am thinking He didn’t want it to get to this extremity.
I am not one to anger easily or even become easily annoyed, but I knew something was boiling up inside me more often recently. I had the need to actually vent and in turn I ended up feeling doggone guilty and horrible that I was possibly even…..angry. Normally when I am feeling less vibrant it is because I am hurt, disappointed or sad, NOT because I am fed up, perturbed, or feeling disrespected and taking advantage of. Sometimes I let the overthinking lead to things that could prevent me from my own possible happiness, and I am my own worst enemy. It is then that the anger comes back to myself. It is all a loop no matter how you decide to look at it, and I am going to cut the loop before it can make me more dizzy than it already has.
Well it came time for me to draw a line and cut that loop finally. The past week and a half, wherever in my life that I feel I am once more caring too much about how other people view me, find myself overthinking or letting myself become lenient, I am becoming more aware on how to push forward.
It is difficult, but in the moments where I am able to force myself into the uncomfortable, I become more comfortable and my life is seemingly becoming less of the world’s and more of my own, more of what God’s purpose is for me, and more enjoyable to say the least.
I sincerely hope that if you find yourself with this sort of inner battle, you know that you can fight in and continue to live out the life God intended for you making sure that don’t miss out trying to protect what you have no need or authority to protect. God has got them, God has got you.
The reason this upcoming week is yellow is because yellow signifies new and hope and happiness. I feel this is a week leading towards that. I feel hope because I have let myself realize what I believe will help me for the rest of forever which in turn leads to more happiness in this life.
I hope you feel this same hope.
Have a yellow week!
Molly Marie 🙂
I feel very 1970’s vibe here with the high neck, dark pink velvet and long sleeve dress and tall tannish/brown boots. It is a groove, because life is a groove, always live it groovily and remember you are lovely and beautiful. Okay? Yes. You are. 🙂
I hope you’re feeling not only happy, but healthy. Healthy as in emotionally within your mind you are thriving, and physically you’re taking care of yourself fully.
Man do I wish I was healthier. Below is a video I recorded that has documented a little bit of when I was first diagnosed with anorexia many years ago.
Now I shall make more of these videos and talk more about my eating disorder journey in the future, however the reason this video particularly is something I am glad I recorded is because it is a reminder to me, a reminder I need now, tonight as I write. A reminder as to how far I have come and how far I can still continue to go with the might and will to keep going.
You see, I am no longer a slave to anorexia in the physical sense of my body itself withering away to nothing, but I’m still constantly fighting the eating habits that so often define my life.
There are periods in my life where my eating habits and focus on fitness elevate to a height of more than usual unhealthy and obsessive thoughts and habits, and now is one of those times. It is ridiculous how I can wake up one day and feel amazing about my waistline, but the next day be internally crying and angry at myself over the size of my calves. I never ever look down upon others the way I beat myself up inside for my weight. Why do I continue to do it to myself? It’s horrible and I wish it would go away, though it is apart of me and my story.
I have been studying to become a fitness instructor, to teach and hopefully help others along their health and fitness journey yet I cannot help others if I’m not helping myself and so I know I have to keep pushing to achieve a healthier state of mind everyday full of healthy habits and kind words to myself in regards to my body, but it’s hard right now and so I needed to write. I missed writing and exploring my thoughts is helping. Honestly right now I’m hungry, but I already ate my calorie intake for the day, or so I think I did, who knows I could have over calculated, so I’m slightly letting myself starve…. It is a little difficulty to enjoy food sometimes when every little crumb and speck of a treat or taste goes into my mouth to process onto my taste buds is automatically resulting in my mind becoming the calculator for my calorie intake. I love, and I mean love, cooking and baking, it’s not only relaxing, but a great joy to me in my life, but I am unable to let myself cook and bake when I’m in a period of even worse eating habits because it’s a quick route to more unhealthy actions for me. Why? If I cook or bake, I’ll add every calorie I ate that I tasted, or I will over eat what I made and then make myself believe I have to workout for 2.67 hours to burn it all off when I’m reality I could just eat a little less the next day… it’s horrible y’all and honestly can anybody out there relate? I think this is another period that’ll go away soon, I’m determined to one day once and for all be done with this eating disorder, as I’ve stayed out of the hospital since I was 13, which is 6 years, for anorexia and I haven’t gone back due to any unhealthy eating habits or workout obsessions, but it’s still a struggle daily for me.
God is good and God keeps my head up and focused on life and purpose, but it’s horrible how bad a day can appear to me when my mind isn’t cooperating with my self esteem boosting vibes. I suppose that makes days I do feel good about my body and fitness levels great thought because when I’m feeling down and I have a good body image day, wow, that’s a positive to me.
My life is only getting busier, and so I’m going to have to keep my priorities straight and take care of myself if I’m going to be able to work hard and pursue purpose like I know I need to, if I want to help others, I have to help myself, but it’ll be a hike to get back to an upward path of healing again… and that’s okay.
Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything, you can be sure that you have God right there with you and you have the determination in you to keep pushing forward, let yourself find that and keep going.
Eating disorders are a strange blue/green color. An unwelcomed friend that I’ve found can become my friend, when we work together to change from a disorder to a determination to heal.
My friend asked me this question a couple weeks ago at our weekly Bible study. We had been talking about spiritual hunger and why we really want to have God in our lives, but the discussion took a turn and we talked more about other aspects of life we really yearn for or just plain old want right now. What is on our hearts?
The question got me thinking, which in a sense, maybe I shouldn’t think so deeply so often many a times as that’s where stress wriggles it’s way, self doubt as well, into my life, affecting it more than I should and desire to let it affect me more than it should, in.
About one week later we flash forward to another moment of more self discovery, which is actually more of bringing to the surface what I already knew, but couldn’t quite grasp altogether. (A reason it is important to have conversation and others in our life, whether close or not is so that they can us gain perspective or perhaps uncover what they notice about ourselves to help guide us).
Just a thought…
I was sitting with another pal this week, which is the moment of self discovery I just mentioned, sipping our coffee. It was so hot outside, but inside it’s rather cold, (you know, air conditioners, a great invention), so a warm drink always is welcomed to me as I find warm drinks comforting. For example, hot green tea in the morning on a particularly melancholy morning with a little bit of hazelnut creamer is exactly a warm hug, I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees outdoors, the sun is beating down and humidity is hitting records in my town. The point is, I had my friend, and a comfort drink causing me to kind of feel even more open booked than I already am, atmosphere was cozy (and warm!) and I started spilling.
No I wasn’t spilling my drink, although that would be darn ironic.
I was spilling what was on my mind, and my pal, well she already knew.
An inside joke within my family and perhaps a few friends is when asked “What is my fear?”, I like to joke and say. “It is probably easier to tell you what I DON’T fear.”.
Of course I am being silly, I am not scared of everything. I do have a fear of vultures though, isn’t that a fun fact? I am terrified of vultures. I will love those critters from afar.
Anywho, I never was one to let my fears particularly hold me back. Yes, I do often care what other people think, I do often worry an outcome may end in rejection and I do often get scared that something may go wrong, but I usually do whatever it is I want to do anyways. Why? Why because I care more about doing whatever it is I want to do than whatever it is that others may think, whatever hurt the outcome may bring, or whatever may go wrong. Of course I am not stupid about my decisions, remember that.
For instance, I have a great love for fashion. I don’t box myself into one category of “style”, I love vintage fashions and playing with adding modern elements. I love bright colors and getting dressed up. Sometimes these outfits end up being a little bit different or even out there.
I have felt self concious in my clothing sometimes. The conclusion is, I don’t let it stop me from wearing what I want. You see, yes I care what other people think about how I look or my clothing, BUT I care much more about being happy in what I am wearing. I do what I want anyway.
My pal said, why don’t I let this apply to my life?
She gave me an analogy. I love analogies, I just love words and speech and all that jazz, y’all. Furthermore, she said pretend there is a bomb. The bomb is ticking down. You have two switches, one switch stops the bomb and one switch makes the bomb explode. You have to make a decision because either way the bomb is going to go off as time is ticking down so just flip one of those switches. If you choose the wrong switch, okay, you can rebuild a city, you have to keep moving.
This stuck with me, because I believe lately I have let self uncertainty become way too prevalent in my life. I am holding back myself from living as fully as I can because of FEAR.
I used to be able to just go for it, and just let hope take hold of me, within safe boundaries of course. God provides us fear I believe as a means to protect us often times.
When I was a wee young little fella my dad once told me that fear is given to us for a reason sometimes. If you are in a tent and there is a lion outside, you are afraid and stay in the tent. This is smart because if you go outside the tent due to not being afraid you will get eaten. Therefore, fear is a helpful emotion in this case.
(My love of analogies may come from my dad, who knows?) 🙂
Though the fear I am experiencing as of lately is not fear to protect me, I know the fear I am experiencing is fear that is preventing me.
My pal told me I am afraid of rejection, maybe even socially.
This was an odd thought to me. I am outgoing, but I am not. I don’t understand myself all the time. I love talking to people and making new friends, I love connections and building relationships, friendships and all that socially social happennings I am usually fine with. As of lately however, I have noticed I am becoming more shy at times with people, people I want to build friendships with, people I want to get to know more, and even opening up the way I want to and usually am able to do so well.
I even became a bit backward in my Acting 1 class and our first drama club meeting here at college. Why did my usual comfort become so uncomfortable? I am warming back up again, but it took awhile. My professor had me sit back and really try to enjoy my breathing before a scene the other day, sensing how unrelaxed I was, which is normal for me, I am always in some sort of mode of stress, but to be honest of my nerves were due to fear of judgement. Since when do I fear what people think of me in an acting class? I love putting myself out there… I don’t poke fun at anyone else, so why am I so concerned on saying a line wrong or interpreting an emotion to be expressed wrongly (and according to my professor, nothing we do on stage is EVER wrong…)?
I have fear.
I am usually so sure of myself, but as of lately that self uncertainty and fear of rejection has tried to make its way into my heart and mind, and I am determined to stop it.
I mentioned in a previous blog I would discuss why I am where I am, or so I believe, in regards to a bit of my past to now here. Well last year I was so certain (well sometimes 😉 ), and had more confidence than normal in certain life areas because to be honest I did not care about myself hardly at all. I was putting my care into others and events, places and things. I was degrading from myself. I was letting myself think differently, go along with decisions differently and give up what my heart had always hoped for, so slowly, but so surely. Due to the fact that I didn’t care about myself, guess what? I didn’t have so much fear. Why would I? I was becoming who I was not. I was not putting much attention into myself as I didn’t matter.
You could say, fear was not preventing me. No fear was preventing me at that time, but fear could have protected me.
I was more adventurous last year, I had no fear. I was more open last year, I had no fear, HOWEVER I was certainly more melancholy last year. I had no fear. (obviously I had fear, but not as much as now.)
I need to work on when to let fear smartly protect me and when to not unfortunately let it prevent me.
Fear is something I am working on balancing. Last year I didn’t let fear prevent me, but this year I am. I know how to use fear to protect me, even better than ever due to experiences occurring throughout my life and, you guessed it, my first year out of high school, *whispers* last year. 😉
Now I need to, as my acting professor tells me, “just let myself go, follow my impulses, and not hold back”, because the one thing I am missing in my life right now is excitement, an adventure.
Don’t get me wrong. I love pursuing theatre at college, I love getting to work at school after class for extra cash, I love exploring the city, I love rehearsal and voice lessons, I love Bible study, I get to work for a Disney Princess party company soon and I am even going to begin riding horses again on one of my days off.
The feeling I miss is the feeling of being alive. I miss feeling like my life is more than just a pursuit to the purpose God has for me YET also a story full of twists and turns of emotions and hope. How do I get that adventure back? I need to let go of prevention fear. I need to be bold once more.
All in all, my pal addressed what was really going on within me, and my friend with the question of “What am I craving?” brought out an answer that summed up what I am looking for.
Adventure, I crave adventure, but to attain that, I must and I will continue to not let fear prevent me and only protect me.
I feel like this balancing act I am facing within my heart and mind is indigo. A color not quite blue and not quite purple, which is me right now. No I am not referring to being blue or purple, (unless you look at my bruised up legs, hehe), but rather the not quites I face. Indigo is still lovely though. My internal battle right now isn’t all horrible, it is still lovely in the way that I can use this time to really discover more, which I believe I did, about myself, but it is time to move forward.
I must not let fear hinder my heart, you shouldn’t either.
I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.
To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.
Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.
While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.
The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.
I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.
Neverthless, I got a callback.
The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.
Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.
I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.
The relief hit me.
My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.
Was it an unnecessary stress? No.
Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.
The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.
This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.
I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.
The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.
I’m a pretty hyper human being, probably to the point where it can be detrimental in certain circumstances because I get real worked up when I am getting stressed or fearful. It’s probably best in those situations to find the “chill”, but it’s not easy, it’s much easier to find the “chill” when I’m not upset or worried. It’s especially horrible when it’s regarding situations that are completely out of my control… Sometimes these are moments when I resort to aggravating myself with inaccurate thoughts that I have done something wrong or nothing seems to be moving in the so called “right” direction when I know that is not the case, hence “inaccurate “. I let my bitter attitude, yeah basically bitter, take over my heart rather than let God take over my heart and the whole situation…
To be honest this past year for me brought heartache in so many ways. I gave up many of my goals, put them on hold and dove into trying to give myself to other people. I lowered what I will put up with and let myself enter into something that hurt me and made me second guess what I believe in. It’s absolutely not okay. While it is not my fault that some people don’t always recognize the beauty in their souls and let it encapsulate them, and they let the darker parts overrule for the time being, I do think everyone has that beauty deep inside, BUT I do not have to sit around hurting myself waiting to be treated the way I believe would make me feel great. I can move on, and people can either change or not, but I can’t change people. I can change my surroundings, and my mood though, and keep my mindset to what I believe in and stay in that space by stopping to try and make myself believe what I don’t just to get people to be who I know they are deep inside. Be a positive influence to them, but don’t hurt yourself in the process.
You don’t need to continue being bitter once ties are cut. If the tie comes again, uncut, see what happens or don’t. If the tie doesn’t, forgive and let your heart soar.
To tie up, right now I actually feel calm, serene and genuinely the most hopeful I have felt overall for the past few days, while I always feel hope, sometimes it’s not so hard to grasp the feeling of hope, like right now, and it makes me “hope” (kind of a pun, heh heh) that you too, feel genuinely good and hopeful in the moment you are in, and trust God no matter what… Happy night. 🙂