A Reminder to My Eating Disorder

Hello, hiya, howdy, and hi,

September 18, 2018

I hope you’re feeling not only happy, but healthy. Healthy as in emotionally within your mind you are thriving, and physically you’re taking care of yourself fully.

Man do I wish I was healthier. Below is a video I recorded that has documented a little bit of when I was first diagnosed with anorexia many years ago.

Now I shall make more of these videos and talk more about my eating disorder journey in the future, however the reason this video particularly is something I am glad I recorded is because it is a reminder to me, a reminder I need now, tonight as I write. A reminder as to how far I have come and how far I can still continue to go with the might and will to keep going.

You see, I am no longer a slave to anorexia in the physical sense of my body itself withering away to nothing, but I’m still constantly fighting the eating habits that so often define my life.

There are periods in my life where my eating habits and focus on fitness elevate to a height of more than usual unhealthy and obsessive thoughts and habits, and now is one of those times. It is ridiculous how I can wake up one day and feel amazing about my waistline, but the next day be internally crying and angry at myself over the size of my calves. I never ever look down upon others the way I beat myself up inside for my weight. Why do I continue to do it to myself? It’s horrible and I wish it would go away, though it is apart of me and my story.

I have been studying to become a fitness instructor, to teach and hopefully help others along their health and fitness journey yet I cannot help others if I’m not helping myself and so I know I have to keep pushing to achieve a healthier state of mind everyday full of healthy habits and kind words to myself in regards to my body, but it’s hard right now and so I needed to write. I missed writing and exploring my thoughts is helping. Honestly right now I’m hungry, but I already ate my calorie intake for the day, or so I think I did, who knows I could have over calculated, so I’m slightly letting myself starve…. It is a little difficulty to enjoy food sometimes when every little crumb and speck of a treat or taste goes into my mouth to process onto my taste buds is automatically resulting in my mind becoming the calculator for my calorie intake. I love, and I mean love, cooking and baking, it’s not only relaxing, but a great joy to me in my life, but I am unable to let myself cook and bake when I’m in a period of even worse eating habits because it’s a quick route to more unhealthy actions for me. Why? If I cook or bake, I’ll add every calorie I ate that I tasted, or I will over eat what I made and then make myself believe I have to workout for 2.67 hours to burn it all off when I’m reality I could just eat a little less the next day… it’s horrible y’all and honestly can anybody out there relate? I think this is another period that’ll go away soon, I’m determined to one day once and for all be done with this eating disorder, as I’ve stayed out of the hospital since I was 13, which is 6 years, for anorexia and I haven’t gone back due to any unhealthy eating habits or workout obsessions, but it’s still a struggle daily for me.

God is good and God keeps my head up and focused on life and purpose, but it’s horrible how bad a day can appear to me when my mind isn’t cooperating with my self esteem boosting vibes. I suppose that makes days I do feel good about my body and fitness levels great thought because when I’m feeling down and I have a good body image day, wow, that’s a positive to me.

My life is only getting busier, and so I’m going to have to keep my priorities straight and take care of myself if I’m going to be able to work hard and pursue purpose like I know I need to, if I want to help others, I have to help myself, but it’ll be a hike to get back to an upward path of healing again… and that’s okay.

Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything, you can be sure that you have God right there with you and you have the determination in you to keep pushing forward, let yourself find that and keep going.

Eating disorders are a strange blue/green color. An unwelcomed friend that I’ve found can become my friend, when we work together to change from a disorder to a determination to heal.

Have a happy day.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

Week Color Green

Howdy there everyone,

September 9,2018

I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.

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I love the city. Being here everyday makes me so cheerful. 🙂

To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.

Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.

While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.

The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.

I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.

Neverthless, I got a callback.

The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.

Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.

I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.

The relief hit me.

My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.

Was it an unnecessary stress? No.

Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.

The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.

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My smile the day of my auditon was wide. Fear was happening, but an experience was about to begin. 🙂

This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.

I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.

The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.

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My weeks have earned a thumbs up by staying positive. 🙂

Have a happy week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Dear non aliens,                                                                                                         April 30, 2018

Life is too short to let yourself wallow in misery. Life is too short to keep yourself sitting in sorrow. Life is way too precious to not take every opportunity you have to sit back, chill out and just laugh. The good kind of laugh, the kind, kind that makes your cheeks hurt and eyes wrinkle and has you clapping like a seal in a circus and gives you hope.

Yes there are hard times, yes life comes with its sorrow, but there comes a point where you realize you cannot always change a circumstance and you move on. Don’t stay in the past when you have a whole future that’s up to you, waiting in front of you. Let God guide you to blessings.

I mean honestly, you’d think some people thrive upon pity for themselves and enjoy lacking hope. Don’t fall into that trap. What good comes from letting yourself stay in the mindset of life being a disappointment? Nothing. Even when horrible times happen, keep the faith, y’all, because we cannot return to the past, only step towards tomorrow.

I understand how sometimes the future seems bleak and invisible. This is where we begin to doubt. Not long ago I was filled with doubts because my mind couldn’t seem to make a decision that would be what “made sense” for my future in terms of career or college or basically all those “where am I going” questions. Last year I was working on a farm, I absolutely loved it. I helped with kids birthday parties and field trips and gave pony rides. Not to mention the farm was about 2 minutes from my home, hello saving gas money! However, I couldn’t stay there. I had to move forward, I needed more hours, and I needed to further my education or I needed a full time job so I could continue saving money. I had no idea what I was going to be doing, but I can look back now and realize there was no need for me to stress so much, leaving such an enjoyable job for me was not fun, however, God knew what he had in store for me would be even more fun. I am still on a journey, but I can rest knowing God has something in plan for all of us, why waste time being angry things aren’t going our way?

Do I wish I could have stayed at a more fun job than I am working at for the time being now? Yes, but what is best for me and down the road, is in God’s hands. I have faith.

I find it easier to relax in the moment and just giggle about the silliest of situations when I come out of hard situations always realizing that with faith, God is with me and helping me.

Take a moment and breathe and then laugh.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” Pslams 126:2 ESV

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

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