Week Color some sort of Green

Hi world friends,

September 26, 2018

I hope you’re happy as per usual I hope blessings are being given to you and you’re making your way through the week with a positive outlook on your journey.

My week is some sort of green. Green has always signified an adventurous state to me. Whether the green in question is dark like Army green or popping such as a lime, or sweet like a fresh mint treat, green means to me….adventure.

Adventure can be anything you make up in your mind to let it be. I’m not saying it has to be some extravagant journey to a foreign land that you made spontaneously one evening wih your pet pig after realizing at 1:00 A.M. in the morning you felt like taking to the Scotland hillside and feeling the relaxing rain drizzle on your head.

Although, it most definitely can be.

Adventure can also mean thee great ‘ole adventure of life. Where we are going, what we are pursuing, and our daily schedules and the little bits and pieces that come with living like finding a new diner who has the tastiest sweet potato fries in the whole county, or becoming friends with a co worker you never thought would make such an impact upon your life not long after you met.

These are most magical and memorable forms of the word adventure, but the adventure I’m talking about today is the adventure of where I’m finally learning to care about myself, Molly Marie, psst that’s me.

You see, there have surely been other times in my life and so forth where I’ve lost myself. There have surely been times I’ve fallen into a deep saddened state and found myself unsure of the next move. Yet, in my 19 years, once I graduated high school, the first year out, I realized my life was taking on a new beginning, and right away even though I was filled with excitement and that word adventure was looming close, I became more lost than ever.

Last fall I started a job which I’m sure you all heard me mention before if you’ve read any of my blog posts previous. The job was a most gracious opportunity. By the time I quit, I was being paid $14.76 an hour, 40 hours a week, for sitting in a cubicle, of which I decorated in the most lovely space and unicorn theme yet, helping the older folks with their insurance needs. I didn’t mind talking to people on the phone, I love helping people. I didn’t mind the office setting. I loved my co workers, there were always events and free cake being given away and I went on walks around the hospital and felt fancy with my little badge that opened doors, and I was only 18 at the start, 19 at the end. I felt like I was doing good, saving money for whatever adventure I would embark on soon, knowing I had excitement up ahead for me.

Well that mentality of hope got me through potentially the most painful year I’ve had. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe it in words. I lost myself, not completely, but in a way where I wasn’t sure what thoughts I even truly believed anymore and what thoughts were mine.

I didn’t care about myself much. I only cared about everyone else and not everyone else who I wish I cared more about.

I was not busy pursuing passion last year for one thing. I was working an office job, yes I had voice lessons and yes I did do do community theatre which is great, yes.

I was trying to maintain my health and fitness because I was full force trying to get my fitness certification.

I had knew deep in my heart that I wanted to keep pushing myself, growing, learning and working on myself, but I danced around it and never fully cared like I wish I did.

Though I pushed my passions to the wayside slowly.

I only cared about trying to take care of everyone surrounding my world.

I wasn’t busy enough working on myself and caring for myself that I found myself being the vulnerable woman I am more so than ever in every situation I came across which I will hopefully describe in future writings soon, I knowingly pretended to be unknowing so often because I was trying to make myself believe most everything was not what some may say reality was, I didn’t care what was happening in my life, only my friends, my family’s, my work life, or wherever I was, or at least not nearly as much, when I should have cared.

The thing is though, I wouldn’t change my vulnerability, I wouldn’t change how I trust so much and I wouldn’t change the fact that I care about people the way I do.

I did come to realize, I had an epiphany, (one of many, but this one seems accurate) that I can indeed be all those things, and feel those ways without losing myself and losing my soft heart, however.

I never wanted to be hardened. Growing up I never understood in church why forgiving was often talked about as being a hard thing. I forgive people so quickly and easily I at one point thought it was my downfall because I would let myself be taken advantage of, or lied to, or be a part of hurtful situations because I don’t hold onto anger.

I had one friend who I can picture in my mind easily, who I forgave probably every single time I hung out with them just hoping that the next time I saw them or spoke to them that they would be sweeter and they’d be okay and dandy doo and things would be like I hoped they’d be in my mind, authentic and a no doubt easy going forever friendship.

I forgive so quickly I forget to remember what I will and will not put up with that I start losing myself before I’m able to grasp what’s happening and I keep falling and failing until my wake up call hits.

What is a wake up call to you? I’ve had many. I’m easily affected by my other people, particularly other people that I feel emotionally hurting for, people that are getting into my head or heart, or that I find exceptionally strange, and I don’t get it. Every single person on earth fits into that list I just made… every single human.

Basically I enjoy the company of other people and that means everyone. Even the people that really just cause me pain. It can be small circumstances too, such as a work situation that upsets me, but I still wanna make that co worker feel good and care about me like I do them.

There is nothing wrong with caring, but you just have to care about yourself too.

All in all, the fact that I’m finally caring about myself stemmed from me forcing myself to do what I wanted to do. And now I am. There’s a whole lot of adventure folks and I shall talk to you soon.

Remember, God loves you so much he created you.

Have a fabulous night.

Here is a photo capturing one aspect of adventure in my life right now. The city, I love it.

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Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

A Poem

Hello everyone,

September 21, 2018

When I was lost,

And

When you were not

or so you and I both seemed to have thought,

I thought I was paying the cost,

I thought I was to be staying on the map and being put in one spot,

I thought I was fraught yet

I am the one who went out and sought,

I sought out the place after I connected each little marking map dot,

Oh what life had brought,

I found my destination here on this spot,

The spot you in which you helped to have brought

For me

Only before going and getting more lost than we thought you were not,

You now have yet to find your spot,

You are granted one map and what else is it you’ve got?

Oh I see,

It’s a small, tiny teapot, you’ve got,

You have not a lot in your teapot,

Nevertheless

For you bought me my cost,

I wasn’t paying anything for the shot and being lost

Truly

Yet I’m now on my spot and you have just a teapot,

Though you helped me when I needed to find my way,

And

Now I only hope to help you lead your way with a confident sway. 💙

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Golly, I missed writing poetry.
Happy day.
Love,
Molly Marie 🙂

Week Color Green

Howdy there everyone,

September 9,2018

I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.

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I love the city. Being here everyday makes me so cheerful. 🙂

To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.

Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.

While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.

The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.

I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.

Neverthless, I got a callback.

The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.

Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.

I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.

The relief hit me.

My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.

Was it an unnecessary stress? No.

Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.

The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.

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My smile the day of my auditon was wide. Fear was happening, but an experience was about to begin. 🙂

This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.

I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.

The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.

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My weeks have earned a thumbs up by staying positive. 🙂

Have a happy week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

Don’t Dwell in Self Pity

Hello my friends,

I would like to share with you something on my heart in video form. I have this video over on my Youtube channel signedlovemollymarie. The video talks about why we can find happiness in our heart, but we can’t sit around pitying ourselves. We have to move forward, and not make excuses for treating others in a less than sweet way because of our past. We need to constantly work on being the people we truly are in our hearts, letting the beauty God placed in us encapsulate us, but it takes work. We cannot make excuses for our wrongdoings. We have to step up to the plate and move forward.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂