I sincerely hope life is going smoothly and excitingly for you at the same time, I hope it is out of this world even considering you are not an intergalactic alien. Considering my life is pretty full of adventure, encounters and change, I could go off on many stories today, but will choose just one encapsulating lesson to focus on for now.
I am very much, very hardly, very very diligently, I should say, working on putting an end to my cares of what other people think about my life, my decisions and my choices, I am in no need of continuing to be so lenient to other people who don’t earn or get my leniency towards them for sake of me “feeling bad” or in effort to make them “feel good” and protect their feelings. I am sure those people don’t always feel the need to “protect mine”.
First off, I care what God thinks of me. He is my Creator, OUR Creator, He is all powerful and the one whom I answer to and will ALWAYS care what He thinks. Other humans living out there lives here on the earth with me, they also need only to care about God’s opinion of them, MY opinion of them, well, it does not matter and vice versa.
Nonetheless, that isn’t to say we shouldn’t respect other people’s feelings, ideals and lifestyles. We can care about other people with decency and kindness, but we don’t have to think we need to answer to other people’s ideas of how we should live if we disagree when it comes to the things that only affect our own selves. Morals are still in place, always.
I was sitting in the car parking lot of a Rocknes with my friend and assistant director one day not long ago. She is a beautiful soul. She encourages me, puts me in my place and helps me. She is seriously, a good friend. She brings me water or coffee or offers help without me asking. These small things mean a lot to me. Well, we were talking and the conversation ended up with a few major themes..
I overthink too much.
I probably overthink if I overthink.
I try to constantly protect other people’s feelings over my own.
It is upsetting to realize I am in some sort of inner turmoil.
I knew I was this way. I always knew it. I think deep down I wanted to think God made me this way because He knew I could be someone out in the world making other people feel good because I would be able to push my own feelings aside enough and be okay through it all. I don’t know if God did make me this way, but if He did, I am thinking He didn’t want it to get to this extremity.
I am not one to anger easily or even become easily annoyed, but I knew something was boiling up inside me more often recently. I had the need to actually vent and in turn I ended up feeling doggone guilty and horrible that I was possibly even…..angry. Normally when I am feeling less vibrant it is because I am hurt, disappointed or sad, NOT because I am fed up, perturbed, or feeling disrespected and taking advantage of. Sometimes I let the overthinking lead to things that could prevent me from my own possible happiness, and I am my own worst enemy. It is then that the anger comes back to myself. It is all a loop no matter how you decide to look at it, and I am going to cut the loop before it can make me more dizzy than it already has.
Well it came time for me to draw a line and cut that loop finally. The past week and a half, wherever in my life that I feel I am once more caring too much about how other people view me, find myself overthinking or letting myself become lenient, I am becoming more aware on how to push forward.
It is difficult, but in the moments where I am able to force myself into the uncomfortable, I become more comfortable and my life is seemingly becoming less of the world’s and more of my own, more of what God’s purpose is for me, and more enjoyable to say the least.
I sincerely hope that if you find yourself with this sort of inner battle, you know that you can fight in and continue to live out the life God intended for you making sure that don’t miss out trying to protect what you have no need or authority to protect. God has got them, God has got you.
The reason this upcoming week is yellow is because yellow signifies new and hope and happiness. I feel this is a week leading towards that. I feel hope because I have let myself realize what I believe will help me for the rest of forever which in turn leads to more happiness in this life.
I hope you feel this same hope.
Have a yellow week!
Molly Marie 🙂
I feel very 1970’s vibe here with the high neck, dark pink velvet and long sleeve dress and tall tannish/brown boots. It is a groove, because life is a groove, always live it groovily and remember you are lovely and beautiful. Okay? Yes. You are. 🙂
You always must remember you are extraordinary and amazing and cool beans and awesome and all that jazz. That’s important.
I hope you are well and most importantly I hope you are smiling.
Right now. Please smile. Life feels nicer when we smile.
My week was full of genuine smiles this week. One short thing I want to mention about those smiles being genuine is that they were genuine because I am consistently letting God be my guide.
When I try to go about my life ONLY on my own and do things the “Molly way” ONLY, my life hurts and starts slowly falling ever so slightly to the wayside of hope. Never does my heart fall completely apart, because our God is good and He is keeping up the pieces for me, but I am seeing the benefits of letting God in more and more right now.
Not long ago was I taking routes I didn’t completely find healthy or hopeful for myself, but I did take those routes because I felt like it. Of course, I think I thought God was involved in some ways and perhaps He was, and of course I was learning and trying to grasp a better understanding on life, but that isn’t the point I am making here.
The point I am making is that for a long time I was placed in tremendous inner battles and tremendous physical battles in my life. Some battles I had no way of fighting myself and some I could fight, always with God on my side. Nonetheless, I felt God was trying to test my faith and I am so glad and overjoyed that I kept the faith.
I am now seeing all the joy I had all along, and through many past hardships, what patience, hope and continuous faith can provide. The blessings from God only keep coming and I know faith got me here.
Romans 8:18 ESV
“18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
Life is going to continue to put trials and pain in my way, but every time I make it through with God, I know the next occurrence of difficulty above my grasp and sorrow in my wake, that God will lead me through ALWAYS.
Why does this have to do with orange? A dark orange even?
My past week reminds me of orange, dark, because orange to me signifies EXCITEMENT, NEW, possible danger in my future and curiosity. This past week I have been discovering where faith has brought me more and more so… EXCITEMENT.
Why am I excited?
Currently, I am rather fulfilled with my circumstances being rewarding. I am going to school, like I said in a bigger city with a fabulous theatre district.
Last week I gave a performance for the song “Put on a Happy Face” in my voice class and my nerves were almost nonexistent compared to the week before. I felt I had made so much progress from just the previous week or so performance. I stayed with my timing better, felt more secure in the notes and pitch and most importantly, I had CONFIDENCE.
Then I also started my job up here. I work in student services. I love it. The other day I got to work a student get to know each other function and a talented man drew my characterature in about one minute and I got free chicken and veggies. I also get to meet lots of students on campus working in student life.
Back at home I am continually working on my own projects, studying to get my fitness instructor certification, being with friends and family, my Youtube channel, the Bible Study group I put together, and my own relaxation hobbies, like hopefully horseback riding soon, my bike riding and being in nature and working out, and baking up a storm. I love this balance I have achieved.
Thennnnnnn there’s my theatre happy fun times, y’all. I am directing a children’s show at a community theatre which is so rewarding to me. I love children, they have wildly awesome imaginations and will to learn. So besides rehearsals for that, I have been working hard to create a magical set, gather props and organize all that needs to be done for the show coming up.
I also am starting work soon as a Disney Princess for a party company. I get fitted this weekend for Princess Anna and get more training, which I am so pumped about.
I just finished up being in a play called, “The Canterville Ghost” so I currently am not in a play with exciting weekly rehearsals, well, actually I am in a play, but that doesn’t start until later this week so we ain’t going to include that in this post about my past week being orange, okay? No, we can. I love being in a show, EXCITEMENT, plus it’s a Christmas show and so I honestly am just thrilled to get in more holiday spirit through rehearsals. So rehearsals are orange too.
Yikes, I should add something more to this.
Well, one of the most exciting things yet is, I am now on the praise team at church!
God is good and I will worship Him from the bottom of my heart. ❤
I also don’t need people thinking I commit to every possible activity in the book.
I decided not to go to drama club up here at college, that counts as something right? It would have been so neat to get more involved up here in the city, but timing wise, it wasn’t going to work.
Actually, I don’t care what you think. I don’t mean that in a brutle way, but a more, we all shouldn’t try to be proving to everyone why we live out the lives the way we do.
Sometimes I find myself logging off of social media because of a fear I have that I am not going to dive into right now, but the fear is deep rooted in other’s opinions of me. I dislike this very much. Nonethless, I ultimately find myself logging back in and filling up the interweb with colorful emoji NOT overloads of some sort because I care more about doing my thing than what others think, but it does slow me down and hinder me a bit. The point is, EXCITEMENT, okay? Don’t let others ruin your orange excitement!
This, these happenings, are all quite new, so that’s the new aspect of dark orange.
Then there is a warning of..danger…which goes alongside curiosity. All of this excitement can also play into my curiosity because I am constantly curious about everything, whether it be for good, sadly, the bad, thee in between, the crazy crazy and the opposite to the boring, and in conclusion, well, all of the the excitement. Curiosity can get me into things I maybe shouldn’t try to be in or stumble into more than willing, but I like being curious and I think that’s one of my defining qualities, curiosity is in my personality. However, all this excitement does bring danger like I said and it doesn’t necessarily mean WILL bring danger, but it’s a warning of danger because of all these great and happy and exciting things, I have to be careful of the paths opening and coming my way throughout these blessings.
We know our weaknesses and despite my curiosities, I know what to stray and what to strive for. Nonetheless, feeling understanding of possible danger in various circumstances, keeps me safe and helps me keep God at the core of my heart and guidance.
It is certainly an orange time.
What color was your week and what does it mean to you? 🙂
I honestly don’t really feel like writing currently, but I do at the same time.
Oh golly, a very logical start. 😉
You must know that talking about myself or talking about subjects or stories I already know of, think about or talk about, to help bring messages across and hopefully relatable thoughts and experiences in life, can sometimes feel so redundant, and ultimately it can start becoming quite a bore to talk about my life at times.
I live so much in my own head, I am constantly rearranging, rethinking, OVERthinking, analyzing and imagining everything you can possibly imagine and then some and a half. When it comes time to share stories, share my thoughts or even share my feelings I am more than happy to often times, most times? I find it so enjoyable often, and am quite open, but then there are many times when it becomes a chore and I would much rather stay silent and ONLY (keyword is “only” right there) observe, take in and see and even when I feel the urge to defend or put my side in, it gets to a mentally overwhelming point at times where I feel too exhausted to care enough to speak….it’s a bummer.
Does this relate to you at all? Rather, can someone relate?
I sometimes feel I speak too much and sometimes don’t speak enough. I sometimes think too much and sometimes forget to let my mind sift more so. I sometimes am so focused and tuned in and sometimes my focus hits 0 and I struggle a whole lot just to grasp some sort of meaning. Sometimes I am calm and collected, but often I am in a mild sort of frenzy energetic state of mind and physical being. Of course, I can control these emotions and physical states well enough and quite often enough to handle in appropriate situations, but the hard part is, it still always comes one way or another and I have to supress it or hold it back from growing.
For example, I started a Bible Study with my friends and we try to meet once a week. It is quite lovely, we check out different coffee shops in various areas to support local businesses as well as widen our coffee shops around the Ohio area knowledge, hehe. Plus, little places like those are absolutely great atmospheres for friendly discussion and tea is tasty…or coffee…or hot chocolate…or water.
Well, I go to Bible study often knowing this is my only increment of free time for the next who knows exactly. I understand we are all busy at times, I understand I don’t have to be busy if I CHOOSE not to be, but I choose to BE busy and therefore, you’ll see where this goes.
So I have school, I go to college about an hour away from my home, depending on traffic commute can vary. I go four days a week. I am directing a show at a community theatre my heart loves, which is very rewarding and I am in a show at that very same theatre which means double rehearsals. I am starting work study, which means I made the choice to work while going to school as I need the money. I also have this Bible study I take care of, and I am trying to attend church more. I have my own little business selling Perfectly Posh. I want to become a fitness instructor so I am studying for that as well. I also am blessed to have many dear friends and a loving family of whom I want to keep a healthy and happy relationship with each and every person in my life. On top of all of that, I want to remain healthy, which means taking care of myself and giving myself free time. Well, where does the free time come in?
That’s where it gets tricky. Again, I make my life busy, so this is all me, I shan’t complain.
I love busy, I do pretty well as making myself have free time too, but we get to the point in three, two, one…
When I am at Bible Study, often I am wishing my relationship with God would grow stronger because in my mind I often feel I am being too busy or something silly when you think about it. I pray all day long, I love God with all my heart and thank Him so often. I am blessed, I see blessings He continues to give me and I feel Him working in my life guiding me and presenting me opportunities I have a choice to make.
I know I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow it, but even so having this strong relationship with our Creator, I still struggle in so many areas and one of those being… (hey, we got to the point…)
I am determined, yes. I am quite determined.
Say, I am doing an essay for school, I am determined to finish it, and so I get that paper finished. I am determined to get a 100% back, and so I make sure I get that paper back with a 100% on top. I am not, however, focused.
In my definitons here, or feeling defining definitons, I feel focused is more of a present mindset and determination is more of a futuristic mindset. This is getting artsy, I know.
I am definitley not an overall present mindsetted type of woman. I have been futuristic from way back.. (hehe, futuristic from “way back”). EXCEPT, I become very present minded when it comes to painful occurences, feelings, events, and sitations. I become so present I start losing determination to heal and become FOCUSED on feeling those negative feelings and staying put. Wow, what an enigma I have put myself into. It isn’t even just the big “woahs” or “oh my goodnesses” that cause me to lose determination in some way. I often can lose focus on trying to understand someone or something because my mind is whirring so hard, bouncing off the walls inside my cranium looking for who knows what to help solve a problem or what not, it gets annoying to me. I feel that often when I understand people my heart is taking the load of their heart and emotions and so I physically feel and emotionally feel, but my brain is not latching on all the time to their words because it’s anazlying other sense or even nonsense. This is sounding dramatic, but really, whether big or small, not all the time, but QUITE often, I struggle with focus.
I have dealt with my focus issue for, well, I don’t know how long and I don’t really think it matters, but it has began becoming more prominent with my life lately. Whether I lose focus on myself, or focus on a goal or dream, something simple like picking up a recipe to bake and becoming distracted and bored within two minutes and going off and starting something new for an hour before coming back 5 times, I get so upset that I have a problem staying focused, or even letting myself take in the words of someone else’s story rather than just take in their feelings and emotion.
Feelings and emotion have always made more sense to me and rationality is something I am very aware of, but don’t connect to it as well. I am quite logical and to the point with life, but when it comes to living, I am more prone to going with feelings. None of what I am saying makes sense, does it? I seriously find this post a color of light blue, maybe periwinkle even and that color is so calming and beautifully nostaligic to me so no matter what this was worth it to write.
This whole post is a pretty periwinkle.
I have less than two hours left before I can leave the college campus today and the irony is, writing this has distracted me from my workload that I lost focus on about 5 minutes in. Nonetheless, I sat and wrote this post through in one sitting. Hmmm. Life is strange.
Do you struggle with focus and does anything I say make sense?
Saying Fall is important and neglecting to say any other season is important is unimportant. Every season is important yet I’m going to focus on our current Autumn time here, why, because it makes sense to our surroundings y’all.
Honestly, I could really stop explaining myself so much. If people understand me they do, and if they don’t, so what? I feel I sometimes am wasting precious moments taking time to explain my thoughts when it is unnecessary at times.
We move forward.
Deep within me, whenever the days begin getting shorter and the days get colder, I do find a little bit of fear. Wow, me have fear? Isn’t that astonishing… ;). The fear comes from the lack of sun I receive usually ends up in making me feel some sort of sadness. I get fretful of this feeling because I don’t have anyway to control this besides continuing to push through and try to get that sunshine the most I can. I am not sure if there’s another reason depression lingers on my heart and in my mind during the fall and winter months, but I’m saying it here right now, I’m determined to try and stop it in it’s tracks this year…
I have way too many hopes, goals, and excitement coming my way, and prayers I’ve been praying to guide the way that I can’t let myself stay down. I just can’t let myself. It’s hard because you can’t alwys control your surroundings, but you can control your outlook.
I have been told I look at the world through rose colored glasses. Yes I do. Does it put me into problems? Sure. Does it hurt my heart sometimes? You bet. Does it cause me to sadness? Oh yes.
I wouldn’t change a thing about my perspective on being darn positive. I love life, I love experiences and I think every heartache is laced with beautiful moments. When I’m feeling a great sorrow sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking sometimes the most beautiful moments are laced with heartache, but that’s backwards. The first thought was correct. For me, at least.
The first thought was more positive.
I get so upset when I feel people aren’t taking me seriously. Yeah, I care what people think when it comes to how they treat or respect me. I’ve constantly received the “oh so innocent, oh how adorable and oh Molly you’re just always giggly” type of statements. It always gave me a little smile knowing I stayed true to myself, but sometimes it’s hurts, because I feel people don’t think I’m valid when it comes to anything that’s not sunshine and smiles….
Or they don’t know how to take me or view me. Which is fine. I’m a little much once in a while, I’m a little bit silly, actually a whole lot silly, but I’m also aware of my surroundings and aware of when and when it is not the right time to speak, or react or act. I’m getting better and better at speaking up for myself, and hopefully others, as well as when to stay silent. Who cares what other people think, half the time it doesn’t matter anyway going forward.
What does this have to do with my love of Fall?
Ironically, you may think Spring is the time for new beginnings, though I think Fall can be too.
Yeah, I know, it’s getting cold and leaves are falling, but how beautiful are the changes being made in nature?
Changes are being made in my life constantly, and I try to make those changes beautiful by looking at them wih my outlook, and that outlook of hope and cheer has brought me this far and kept me alive. I don’t see why I should back down because I’ve had heartaches stem from it.
You can always get back up again.
Leaves change color, fall to the grass, but always grow back.
We change, we sometimes fall, BUT with God and the strength he propels in ya, we can ALWAYS get back up.
Fall is not a time to fall, but a time to be beautiful like every season. It may be harder to stay strong from falling, but think of the beautiful mustering strength within you keeping you up.
God is good.
Of course I also love fall because of Halloween and Thanksgiving, and chilly days full of clouds and thunderstorms and pumpkin pie. I love cozy flannels and soft sweaters and creepy or eerie nights and bonfires with s’mores, but I love Fall because I always feel a new found confidence gearing me up to stay out of the depths of sadness, and remember what beautiful changes are within me that can and WILL be occurring if I let them and not care how people view me. If people don’t take me seriously, who cares?
My motto may be who cares these days, and I worry that seems so insensitive, but…
I hope you’re feeling not only happy, but healthy. Healthy as in emotionally within your mind you are thriving, and physically you’re taking care of yourself fully.
Man do I wish I was healthier. Below is a video I recorded that has documented a little bit of when I was first diagnosed with anorexia many years ago.
Now I shall make more of these videos and talk more about my eating disorder journey in the future, however the reason this video particularly is something I am glad I recorded is because it is a reminder to me, a reminder I need now, tonight as I write. A reminder as to how far I have come and how far I can still continue to go with the might and will to keep going.
You see, I am no longer a slave to anorexia in the physical sense of my body itself withering away to nothing, but I’m still constantly fighting the eating habits that so often define my life.
There are periods in my life where my eating habits and focus on fitness elevate to a height of more than usual unhealthy and obsessive thoughts and habits, and now is one of those times. It is ridiculous how I can wake up one day and feel amazing about my waistline, but the next day be internally crying and angry at myself over the size of my calves. I never ever look down upon others the way I beat myself up inside for my weight. Why do I continue to do it to myself? It’s horrible and I wish it would go away, though it is apart of me and my story.
I have been studying to become a fitness instructor, to teach and hopefully help others along their health and fitness journey yet I cannot help others if I’m not helping myself and so I know I have to keep pushing to achieve a healthier state of mind everyday full of healthy habits and kind words to myself in regards to my body, but it’s hard right now and so I needed to write. I missed writing and exploring my thoughts is helping. Honestly right now I’m hungry, but I already ate my calorie intake for the day, or so I think I did, who knows I could have over calculated, so I’m slightly letting myself starve…. It is a little difficulty to enjoy food sometimes when every little crumb and speck of a treat or taste goes into my mouth to process onto my taste buds is automatically resulting in my mind becoming the calculator for my calorie intake. I love, and I mean love, cooking and baking, it’s not only relaxing, but a great joy to me in my life, but I am unable to let myself cook and bake when I’m in a period of even worse eating habits because it’s a quick route to more unhealthy actions for me. Why? If I cook or bake, I’ll add every calorie I ate that I tasted, or I will over eat what I made and then make myself believe I have to workout for 2.67 hours to burn it all off when I’m reality I could just eat a little less the next day… it’s horrible y’all and honestly can anybody out there relate? I think this is another period that’ll go away soon, I’m determined to one day once and for all be done with this eating disorder, as I’ve stayed out of the hospital since I was 13, which is 6 years, for anorexia and I haven’t gone back due to any unhealthy eating habits or workout obsessions, but it’s still a struggle daily for me.
God is good and God keeps my head up and focused on life and purpose, but it’s horrible how bad a day can appear to me when my mind isn’t cooperating with my self esteem boosting vibes. I suppose that makes days I do feel good about my body and fitness levels great thought because when I’m feeling down and I have a good body image day, wow, that’s a positive to me.
My life is only getting busier, and so I’m going to have to keep my priorities straight and take care of myself if I’m going to be able to work hard and pursue purpose like I know I need to, if I want to help others, I have to help myself, but it’ll be a hike to get back to an upward path of healing again… and that’s okay.
Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything, you can be sure that you have God right there with you and you have the determination in you to keep pushing forward, let yourself find that and keep going.
Eating disorders are a strange blue/green color. An unwelcomed friend that I’ve found can become my friend, when we work together to change from a disorder to a determination to heal.
My friend asked me this question a couple weeks ago at our weekly Bible study. We had been talking about spiritual hunger and why we really want to have God in our lives, but the discussion took a turn and we talked more about other aspects of life we really yearn for or just plain old want right now. What is on our hearts?
The question got me thinking, which in a sense, maybe I shouldn’t think so deeply so often many a times as that’s where stress wriggles it’s way, self doubt as well, into my life, affecting it more than I should and desire to let it affect me more than it should, in.
About one week later we flash forward to another moment of more self discovery, which is actually more of bringing to the surface what I already knew, but couldn’t quite grasp altogether. (A reason it is important to have conversation and others in our life, whether close or not is so that they can us gain perspective or perhaps uncover what they notice about ourselves to help guide us).
Just a thought…
I was sitting with another pal this week, which is the moment of self discovery I just mentioned, sipping our coffee. It was so hot outside, but inside it’s rather cold, (you know, air conditioners, a great invention), so a warm drink always is welcomed to me as I find warm drinks comforting. For example, hot green tea in the morning on a particularly melancholy morning with a little bit of hazelnut creamer is exactly a warm hug, I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees outdoors, the sun is beating down and humidity is hitting records in my town. The point is, I had my friend, and a comfort drink causing me to kind of feel even more open booked than I already am, atmosphere was cozy (and warm!) and I started spilling.
No I wasn’t spilling my drink, although that would be darn ironic.
I was spilling what was on my mind, and my pal, well she already knew.
An inside joke within my family and perhaps a few friends is when asked “What is my fear?”, I like to joke and say. “It is probably easier to tell you what I DON’T fear.”.
Of course I am being silly, I am not scared of everything. I do have a fear of vultures though, isn’t that a fun fact? I am terrified of vultures. I will love those critters from afar.
Anywho, I never was one to let my fears particularly hold me back. Yes, I do often care what other people think, I do often worry an outcome may end in rejection and I do often get scared that something may go wrong, but I usually do whatever it is I want to do anyways. Why? Why because I care more about doing whatever it is I want to do than whatever it is that others may think, whatever hurt the outcome may bring, or whatever may go wrong. Of course I am not stupid about my decisions, remember that.
For instance, I have a great love for fashion. I don’t box myself into one category of “style”, I love vintage fashions and playing with adding modern elements. I love bright colors and getting dressed up. Sometimes these outfits end up being a little bit different or even out there.
I have felt self concious in my clothing sometimes. The conclusion is, I don’t let it stop me from wearing what I want. You see, yes I care what other people think about how I look or my clothing, BUT I care much more about being happy in what I am wearing. I do what I want anyway.
My pal said, why don’t I let this apply to my life?
She gave me an analogy. I love analogies, I just love words and speech and all that jazz, y’all. Furthermore, she said pretend there is a bomb. The bomb is ticking down. You have two switches, one switch stops the bomb and one switch makes the bomb explode. You have to make a decision because either way the bomb is going to go off as time is ticking down so just flip one of those switches. If you choose the wrong switch, okay, you can rebuild a city, you have to keep moving.
This stuck with me, because I believe lately I have let self uncertainty become way too prevalent in my life. I am holding back myself from living as fully as I can because of FEAR.
I used to be able to just go for it, and just let hope take hold of me, within safe boundaries of course. God provides us fear I believe as a means to protect us often times.
When I was a wee young little fella my dad once told me that fear is given to us for a reason sometimes. If you are in a tent and there is a lion outside, you are afraid and stay in the tent. This is smart because if you go outside the tent due to not being afraid you will get eaten. Therefore, fear is a helpful emotion in this case.
(My love of analogies may come from my dad, who knows?) 🙂
Though the fear I am experiencing as of lately is not fear to protect me, I know the fear I am experiencing is fear that is preventing me.
My pal told me I am afraid of rejection, maybe even socially.
This was an odd thought to me. I am outgoing, but I am not. I don’t understand myself all the time. I love talking to people and making new friends, I love connections and building relationships, friendships and all that socially social happennings I am usually fine with. As of lately however, I have noticed I am becoming more shy at times with people, people I want to build friendships with, people I want to get to know more, and even opening up the way I want to and usually am able to do so well.
I even became a bit backward in my Acting 1 class and our first drama club meeting here at college. Why did my usual comfort become so uncomfortable? I am warming back up again, but it took awhile. My professor had me sit back and really try to enjoy my breathing before a scene the other day, sensing how unrelaxed I was, which is normal for me, I am always in some sort of mode of stress, but to be honest of my nerves were due to fear of judgement. Since when do I fear what people think of me in an acting class? I love putting myself out there… I don’t poke fun at anyone else, so why am I so concerned on saying a line wrong or interpreting an emotion to be expressed wrongly (and according to my professor, nothing we do on stage is EVER wrong…)?
I have fear.
I am usually so sure of myself, but as of lately that self uncertainty and fear of rejection has tried to make its way into my heart and mind, and I am determined to stop it.
I mentioned in a previous blog I would discuss why I am where I am, or so I believe, in regards to a bit of my past to now here. Well last year I was so certain (well sometimes 😉 ), and had more confidence than normal in certain life areas because to be honest I did not care about myself hardly at all. I was putting my care into others and events, places and things. I was degrading from myself. I was letting myself think differently, go along with decisions differently and give up what my heart had always hoped for, so slowly, but so surely. Due to the fact that I didn’t care about myself, guess what? I didn’t have so much fear. Why would I? I was becoming who I was not. I was not putting much attention into myself as I didn’t matter.
You could say, fear was not preventing me. No fear was preventing me at that time, but fear could have protected me.
I was more adventurous last year, I had no fear. I was more open last year, I had no fear, HOWEVER I was certainly more melancholy last year. I had no fear. (obviously I had fear, but not as much as now.)
I need to work on when to let fear smartly protect me and when to not unfortunately let it prevent me.
Fear is something I am working on balancing. Last year I didn’t let fear prevent me, but this year I am. I know how to use fear to protect me, even better than ever due to experiences occurring throughout my life and, you guessed it, my first year out of high school, *whispers* last year. 😉
Now I need to, as my acting professor tells me, “just let myself go, follow my impulses, and not hold back”, because the one thing I am missing in my life right now is excitement, an adventure.
Don’t get me wrong. I love pursuing theatre at college, I love getting to work at school after class for extra cash, I love exploring the city, I love rehearsal and voice lessons, I love Bible study, I get to work for a Disney Princess party company soon and I am even going to begin riding horses again on one of my days off.
The feeling I miss is the feeling of being alive. I miss feeling like my life is more than just a pursuit to the purpose God has for me YET also a story full of twists and turns of emotions and hope. How do I get that adventure back? I need to let go of prevention fear. I need to be bold once more.
All in all, my pal addressed what was really going on within me, and my friend with the question of “What am I craving?” brought out an answer that summed up what I am looking for.
Adventure, I crave adventure, but to attain that, I must and I will continue to not let fear prevent me and only protect me.
I feel like this balancing act I am facing within my heart and mind is indigo. A color not quite blue and not quite purple, which is me right now. No I am not referring to being blue or purple, (unless you look at my bruised up legs, hehe), but rather the not quites I face. Indigo is still lovely though. My internal battle right now isn’t all horrible, it is still lovely in the way that I can use this time to really discover more, which I believe I did, about myself, but it is time to move forward.
I must not let fear hinder my heart, you shouldn’t either.
I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.
To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.
Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.
While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.
The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.
I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.
Neverthless, I got a callback.
The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.
Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.
I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.
The relief hit me.
My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.
Was it an unnecessary stress? No.
Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.
The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.
This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.
I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.
The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.
Basically, my life has been cuckoo crazy as is many of yours I am sure. After a whirlwind of a year, emotionally, physically and all involved, I made many huge changes in my life that were, well, emotionally, physically and all involving of my time and energy. Those changes started taking effect quicker than my mind perceived that they were going to and my heart took awhile to be completely okay with the process I wasn’t prepared to perceive. Let’s go ahead and go with the thought that my life changed more than I expected to in a matter of months and I learned more than I thought I possibly could about living and my own soul more than I thought I was about to in my first year after high school.
I do want to ask however, how are you? I do hope well.
Now to begin, I will go a little backwards, because my mind works in a strange way. Furthermore, I see letters as colors. People as colors. Everything is in colors. Do you understand or see the same? I don’t feel this is a strange thing, yet it is a bit different as I have seen how it affects me in my day-to-day life. Certain colors draw certain feelings from me, this relates to the letters and people who also receive different colors from my mind subconsciously. I don’t assign a color on purpose, it just happens. I think this is my body’s way of telling me how my body and heart and mind are sensing a situation or various people. Throughout my next few writings I want to take you from the now and back to the lessons and events that brought me to the mindset and place I am currently in, and I want to use these colors to show you how I think God gives us all different mentalities or sensings to navigate our way through life. These gifts God gives us are unique, just like your story and YOU.
Look, my backpack!
On Monday August 27, 2018, I started taking courses at a community college in a major city in my state. This is my second year out of high school. I have not taken college courses since I was in high school as part of the college credit plus program where I was grateful to earn some credit for basic courses for free. I am just now on my journey again to achieve a passion of mine that I decided on finally, THEATRE! Musical theatre to be more specific, is where I see my life taking me for the moment. How I decided, we will get to, but for now, we shall pretend that I have known theatre has been my absolute choice for years to journey onward with and theatre only. Oh the irony.
I am taking a basic course about interpersonal communications that I am required to take. The course talks about creating, managing, growing and also, if the time calls for it, knowing how to CUT off relationships in life, whether they be romantic or not. The actual definition for interpersonal relationships is as follows- the process through which people create and maintain relationships, exercising mutual responsibility in creating meaning. How do I know that fancy worded definition? I had a quick quiz on it today, hehe. I did get 10/10 so that’s a good start, am I right? It always feels good to start off with a perfect grade in the class, establish that positive baseline I like to think.
I am also taking an online math class I have to take. I love math. The class has not yet started. I should be fine. No, take that back. I will be fine. I know my math.
Now onto the theatre classes. I want to pursue musical theatre, however the college doesn’t have a specific musical theatre program, but rather a dance, theatre and music program of which I have kind of created my own little musical theatre program from and will take classes from each emphasis and I shan’t let anyone stop me, hehe. If I do decide to take 2 more years of school and transfer to a musical theatre program at another school, I will have experience and credits to follow me over right into the program of artsy splendor.
The classes I am taking within my made up musical theatre program for myself are acting one and voice.
I cannot wait to share more of my experiences in my classes, but again as this is just a where are am I currently, I will hold back a bit. Let’s be honest, I may jump back and forth a bit, and that’s okay too.
My acting one class is very theatrical and artsty. My voice class is very positive and informative.
Tomorrow in voice I take my range test, so hopefully when my upbeat professor plays the piano for me, and I sing off the notes, my range behaves. I have a voice lesson tonight with my talented and sweet voice teacher of several years which will surely help engrave some confidence in me for tomorrow as well as vocal practice and proper usage.
My theatre professor has a different method to approach acting in class and I must say it is increasingly difficult for me to use his method. I am open to new approaches, this will be a challenge for me though. Ultimately, I understand, I can take what I learn and apply it to myself if I decide it is helpful as I don’t wanna lose what helps me and makes me, me, but I still wanna dive in a bit if I can to the new technique. He told me to maybe approach the class with fresh eyes, as he knows I have done theatre for many years, and yet told me I am being clever and being an actor before almost correcting these description words he placed upon me. What he wants for me to do is yes, be clever, yes act, but just BE. I need to BE, follow my impulses, don’t analyze beforehand and do what feels right. Well, well, well, here is where my already developing in a different way somewhat of acting mindset, logical mindset, literal outlook and artsy side all start clashing. We do short, no more than 6 line plays, to start getting comfortable, and already my professor said to me, I need to not RELAX as that can be taken negatively to someone being told it, but to find ways to ease myself.
This is difficult.
You’ll learn more and more, I don’t do the whole relaxing thing much. I stress. I fidget. I am a busy body. My mind keeps me spinning and my heart is seemingly really into rushing often. Yet, the deep breathes my professor prescribed me, did help.
What will come of class? I am not sure.
All I know is that I feel fresh this week. My life feels like it is going in the direction I have deep in my heart has known it could and should be for years, and not just because of my path to a life on the stage taking, hehe, taking the stage, but on other branches too.
I feel like I was just born into some new time period and am now on a clean slate of doing what it is I want and nothing can or is holding me back. I am me. I believe this is God bringing me out of the dimly lit and giving me a new or just different lightbulb to use on this adventure.
2 Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”
My walk with God most certainly has brought this light even brighter for me this year.
I have my first audition next week for a play called A View from the Bridge with the college. It is going to be playing at a famous theatre area in the city at a huge theatre in that famous theatre area. I feel delighted to say the least to even get to audition.
Onto the color.
Anywho, I was on a walk around campus my first day and found these flowers. It reminded me of a new season that is blooming, bright and colorful. My aesthetic this is. The bright pink is a color I see of guidance and new vibes for myself for the now. I feel more like me than ever, but a different me. God is giving me something new, something to develop. It is blue as well. The atmosphere and my soul feels blue, but not sad blue, new blue. I don’t think the blue will go away too soon either, it seems stuck like, glue. (I took the opportunity for a rhyme there.)
I love colors, yes.
They are bright and not so much.
They mean a whole lot.
There was a color haiku. Haiku for a rhyme with blue and glue.
I also saw a squirrel on my walk. I used to have may squirrel friends last year at a certain place too on my walks.