Week Color Yellow

Hello non aliens,

I sincerely hope life is going smoothly and excitingly for you at the same time, I hope it is out of this world even considering you are not an intergalactic alien. Considering my life is pretty full of adventure, encounters and change, I could go off on many stories today, but will choose just one encapsulating lesson to focus on for now.

I am very much, very hardly, very very diligently, I should say, working on putting an end to my cares of what other people think about my life, my decisions and my choices, I am in no need of continuing to be so lenient to other people who don’t earn or get my leniency towards them for sake of me “feeling bad” or in effort to make them “feel good” and protect their feelings. I am sure those people don’t always feel the need to “protect mine”.

First off, I care what God thinks of me. He is my Creator, OUR Creator, He is all powerful and the one whom I answer to and will ALWAYS care what He thinks. Other humans living out there lives here on the earth with me, they also need only to care about God’s opinion of them, MY opinion of them, well, it does not matter and vice versa.

Nonetheless, that isn’t to say we shouldn’t respect other people’s feelings, ideals and lifestyles. We can care about other people with decency and kindness, but we don’t have to think we need to answer to other people’s ideas of how we should live if we disagree when it comes to the things that only affect our own selves. Morals are still in place, always.

I was sitting in the car parking lot of a Rocknes with my friend and assistant director one day not long ago. She is a beautiful soul. She encourages me, puts me in my place and helps me. She is seriously, a good friend. She brings me water or coffee or offers help without me asking. These small things mean a lot to me. Well, we were talking and the conversation ended up with a few major themes..

I overthink too much.

I probably overthink if I overthink.

I try to constantly protect other people’s feelings over my own.

It is upsetting to realize I am in some sort of inner turmoil.

I knew I was this way. I always knew it. I think deep down I wanted to think God made me this way because He knew I could be someone out in the world making other people feel good because I would be able to push my own feelings aside enough and be okay through it all. I don’t know if God did make me this way, but if He did, I am thinking He didn’t want it to get to this extremity.

I am not one to anger easily or even become easily annoyed, but I knew something was boiling up inside me more often recently. I had the need to actually vent and in turn I ended up feeling doggone guilty and horrible that I was possibly even…..angry. Normally when I am feeling less vibrant it is because I am hurt, disappointed or sad, NOT because I am fed up, perturbed, or feeling disrespected and taking advantage of. Sometimes I let the overthinking lead to things that could prevent me from my own possible happiness, and I am my own worst enemy. It is then that the anger comes back to myself. It is all a loop no matter how you decide to look at it, and I am going to cut the loop before it can make me more dizzy than it already has.

Well it came time for me to draw a line and cut that loop finally. The past week and a half, wherever in my life that I feel I am once more caring too much about how other people view me, find myself overthinking or letting myself become lenient, I am becoming more aware on how to push forward.

It is difficult, but in the moments where I am able to force myself into the uncomfortable, I become more comfortable and my life is seemingly becoming less of the world’s and more of my own, more of what God’s purpose is for me, and more enjoyable to say the least.

I sincerely hope that if you find yourself with this sort of inner battle, you know that you can fight in and continue to live out the life God intended for you making sure that don’t miss out trying to protect what you have no need or authority to protect. God has got them, God has got you.

The reason this upcoming week is yellow is because yellow signifies new and hope and happiness. I feel this is a week leading towards that. I feel hope because I have let myself realize what I believe will help me for the rest of forever which in turn leads to more happiness in this life.

I hope you feel this same hope.

Have a yellow week!

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

I feel very 1970’s vibe here with the high neck, dark pink velvet and long sleeve dress and tall tannish/brown boots. It is a groove, because life is a groove, always live it groovily and remember you are lovely and beautiful. Okay? Yes. You are. 🙂

Week Color Periwinkle & My Struggle with Focus

Hello and howdy do da day,

I honestly don’t really feel like writing currently, but I do at the same time.

Oh golly, a very logical start. 😉

You must know that talking about myself or talking about subjects or stories I already know of, think about or talk about, to help bring messages across and hopefully relatable thoughts and experiences in life, can sometimes feel so redundant, and ultimately it can start becoming quite a bore to talk about my life at times.

Why?

I live so much in my own head, I am constantly rearranging, rethinking, OVERthinking, analyzing and imagining everything you can possibly imagine and then some and a half. When it comes time to share stories, share my thoughts or even share my feelings I am more than happy to often times, most times?  I find it so enjoyable often, and am quite open, but then there are many times when it becomes a chore and I would much rather stay silent and ONLY (keyword is “only” right there) observe, take in and see and even when I feel the urge to defend or put my side in, it gets to a mentally overwhelming point at times where I feel too exhausted to care enough to speak….it’s a bummer.

Does this relate to you at all? Rather, can someone relate?

I sometimes feel I speak too much and sometimes don’t speak enough. I sometimes think too much and sometimes forget to let my mind sift more so. I sometimes am so focused and tuned in and sometimes my focus hits 0 and I struggle a whole lot just to grasp some sort of meaning. Sometimes I am calm and collected, but often I am in a mild sort of frenzy energetic state of mind and physical being. Of course, I can control these emotions and physical states well enough and quite often enough to handle in appropriate situations, but the hard part is, it still always comes one way or another and I have to supress it or hold it back from growing.

For example, I started a Bible Study with my friends and we try to meet once a week. It is quite lovely, we check out different coffee shops in various areas to support local businesses as well as widen our coffee shops around the Ohio area knowledge, hehe. Plus, little places like those are absolutely great atmospheres for friendly discussion and tea is tasty…or coffee…or hot chocolate…or water.

Well, I go to Bible study often knowing this is my only increment of free time for the next who knows exactly. I understand we are all busy at times, I understand I don’t have to be busy if I CHOOSE not to be, but I choose to BE busy and therefore, you’ll see where this goes.

So I have school, I go to college about an hour away from my home, depending on traffic commute can vary. I go four days a week. I am directing a show at a community theatre my heart loves, which is very rewarding and I am in a show at that very same theatre which means double rehearsals. I am starting work study, which means I made the choice to work while going to school as I need the money. I also have this Bible study I take care of, and I am trying to attend church more. I have my own little business selling Perfectly Posh. I want to become a fitness instructor so I am studying for that as well. I also am blessed to have many dear friends and a loving family of whom I want to keep a healthy and happy relationship with each and every person in my life. On top of all of that, I want to remain healthy, which means taking care of myself and giving myself free time. Well, where does the free time come in?

That’s where it gets tricky. Again, I make my life busy, so this is all me, I shan’t complain.

I love busy, I do pretty well as making myself have free time too, but we get to the point in three, two, one…

When I am at Bible Study, often I am wishing my relationship with God would grow stronger because in my mind I often feel I am being too busy or something silly when you think about it. I pray all day long, I love God with all my heart and thank Him so often. I am blessed, I see blessings He continues to give me and I feel Him working in my life guiding me and presenting me opportunities I have a choice to make.

I know I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow it, but even so having this strong relationship with our Creator, I still struggle in so many areas and one of those being… (hey, we got to the point…)

Focus.

I am determined, yes. I am quite determined.

Say, I am doing an essay for school, I am determined to finish it, and so I get that paper finished. I am determined to get a 100% back, and so I make sure I get that paper back with a 100% on top. I am not, however, focused.

In my definitons here, or feeling defining definitons, I feel focused is more of a present mindset and determination is more of a futuristic mindset. This is getting artsy, I know.

I am definitley not an overall present mindsetted type of woman. I have been futuristic from way back.. (hehe, futuristic from “way back”). EXCEPT, I become very present minded when it comes to painful occurences, feelings, events, and sitations. I become so present I start losing determination to heal and become FOCUSED on feeling those negative feelings and staying put. Wow, what an enigma I have put myself into. It isn’t even just the big “woahs” or “oh my goodnesses” that cause me to lose determination in some way. I often can lose focus on trying to understand someone or something because my mind is whirring so hard, bouncing off the walls inside my cranium looking for who knows what to help solve a problem or what not, it gets annoying to me. I feel that often when I understand people my heart is taking the load of their heart and emotions and so I physically feel and emotionally feel, but my brain is not latching on all the time to their words because it’s anazlying other sense or even nonsense. This is sounding dramatic, but really, whether big or small, not all the time, but QUITE often, I struggle with focus.

I have dealt with my focus issue for, well, I don’t know how long and I don’t really think it matters, but it has began becoming more prominent with my life lately. Whether I lose focus on myself, or focus on a goal or dream, something simple like picking up a recipe to bake and becoming distracted and bored within two minutes and going off and starting something new for an hour before coming back 5 times, I get so upset that I have a problem staying focused, or even letting myself take in the words of someone else’s story rather than just take in their feelings and emotion.

Feelings and emotion have always made more sense to me and rationality is something I am very aware of, but don’t connect to it as well. I am quite logical and to the point with life, but when it comes to living, I am more prone to going with feelings. None of what I am saying makes sense, does it? I seriously find this post a color of light blue, maybe periwinkle even and that color is so calming and beautifully nostaligic to me so no matter what this was worth it to write.

This whole post is a pretty periwinkle.

I have less than two hours left before I can leave the college campus today and the irony is, writing this has distracted me from my workload that I lost focus on about 5 minutes in. Nonetheless, I sat and wrote this post through in one sitting. Hmmm. Life is strange.

Do you struggle with focus and does anything I say make sense?

I hope you are having a periwinkle day.

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If it’s going to be Spring outside in October, I will embrace it with a floral dress and a smile while it’s here. 🙂

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

A Poem

Hello everyone,

September 21, 2018

When I was lost,

And

When you were not

or so you and I both seemed to have thought,

I thought I was paying the cost,

I thought I was to be staying on the map and being put in one spot,

I thought I was fraught yet

I am the one who went out and sought,

I sought out the place after I connected each little marking map dot,

Oh what life had brought,

I found my destination here on this spot,

The spot you in which you helped to have brought

For me

Only before going and getting more lost than we thought you were not,

You now have yet to find your spot,

You are granted one map and what else is it you’ve got?

Oh I see,

It’s a small, tiny teapot, you’ve got,

You have not a lot in your teapot,

Nevertheless

For you bought me my cost,

I wasn’t paying anything for the shot and being lost

Truly

Yet I’m now on my spot and you have just a teapot,

Though you helped me when I needed to find my way,

And

Now I only hope to help you lead your way with a confident sway. 💙

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Golly, I missed writing poetry.
Happy day.
Love,
Molly Marie 🙂