Week Color Dark Orange

Howdy to everyone and hi to myself? yes, sure,

You always must remember you are extraordinary and amazing and cool beans and awesome and all that jazz. That’s important.

I hope you are well and most importantly I hope you are smiling.

Right now. Please smile. Life feels nicer when we smile.

My week was full of genuine smiles this week. One short thing I want to mention about those smiles being genuine is that they were genuine because I am consistently letting God be my guide.

When I try to go about my life ONLY on my own and do things the “Molly way” ONLY, my life hurts and starts slowly falling ever so slightly to the wayside of hope. Never does my heart fall completely apart, because our God is good and He is keeping up the pieces for me, but I am seeing the benefits of letting God in more and more right now.

Not long ago was I taking routes I didn’t completely find healthy or hopeful for myself, but I did take those routes because I felt like it. Of course, I think I thought God was involved in some ways and perhaps He was, and of course I was learning and trying to grasp a better understanding on life, but that isn’t the point I am making here.

The point I am making is that for a long time I was placed in tremendous inner battles and tremendous physical battles in my life. Some battles I had no way of fighting myself and some I could fight, always with God on my side. Nonetheless, I felt God was trying to test my faith and I am so glad and overjoyed that I kept the faith.

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I was quite happy in this photo and on this day, and I didn’t have many reasons to be, except I know God is always here beside me. I’ve got faith in Him.

I am now seeing all the joy I had all along, and through many past hardships, what patience, hope and continuous faith can provide. The blessings from God only keep coming and I know faith got me here.

Romans 8:18 ESV

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

Life is going to continue to put trials and pain in my way, but every time I make it through with God, I know the next occurrence of difficulty above my grasp and sorrow in my wake, that God will lead me through ALWAYS.

Why does this have to do with orange? A dark orange even?

My past week reminds me of orange, dark, because orange to me signifies EXCITEMENT, NEW, possible danger in my future and curiosity. This past week I have been discovering where faith has brought me more and more so… EXCITEMENT.

Why am I excited?

Currently, I am rather fulfilled with my circumstances being rewarding. I am going to school, like I said in a bigger city with a fabulous theatre district.

Last week I gave a performance for the song “Put on a Happy Face” in my voice class and my nerves were almost nonexistent compared to the week before. I felt I had made so much progress from just the previous week or so performance. I stayed with my timing better, felt more secure in the notes and pitch and most importantly, I had CONFIDENCE.

Then I also started my job up here. I work in student services. I love it. The other day I got to work a student get to know each other function and a talented man drew my characterature in about one minute and I got free chicken and veggies. I also get to meet lots of students on campus working in student life.

Back at home I am continually working on my own projects, studying to get my fitness instructor certification, being with friends and family, my Youtube channel, the Bible Study group I put together, and my own relaxation hobbies, like hopefully horseback riding soon, my bike riding and being in nature and working out, and baking up a storm. I love this balance I have achieved.

Thennnnnnn there’s my theatre happy fun times, y’all. I am directing a children’s show at a community theatre which is so rewarding to me. I love children, they have wildly awesome imaginations and will to learn. So besides rehearsals for that, I have been working hard to create a magical set, gather props and organize all that needs to be done for the show coming up.

I also am starting work soon as a Disney Princess for a party company. I get fitted this weekend for Princess Anna and get more training, which I am so pumped about.

I just finished up being in a play called, “The Canterville Ghost” so I currently am not in a play with exciting weekly rehearsals, well, actually I am in a play, but that doesn’t start until later this week so we ain’t going to include that in this post about my past week being orange, okay? No, we can. I love being in a show, EXCITEMENT, plus it’s a Christmas show and so I honestly am just thrilled to get in more holiday spirit through rehearsals. So rehearsals are orange too.

Yikes, I should add something more to this.

Well, one of the most exciting things yet is, I am now on the praise team at church!

God is good and I will worship Him from the bottom of my heart. ❤

I also don’t need people thinking I commit to every possible activity in the book.

I decided not to go to drama club up here at college, that counts as something right? It would have been so neat to get more involved up here in the city, but timing wise, it wasn’t going to work.

Actually, I don’t care what you think. I don’t mean that in a brutle way, but a more, we all shouldn’t try to be proving to everyone why we live out the lives the way we do.

Sometimes I find myself logging off of social media because of a fear I have that I am not going to dive into right now, but the fear is deep rooted in other’s opinions of me. I dislike this very much. Nonethless, I ultimately find myself logging back in and filling up the interweb with colorful emoji NOT overloads of some sort because I care more about doing my thing than what others think, but it does slow me down and hinder me a bit. The point is, EXCITEMENT, okay? Don’t let others ruin your orange excitement!

This, these happenings, are all quite new, so that’s the new aspect of dark orange.

Then there is a warning of..danger…which goes alongside curiosity. All of this excitement can also play into my curiosity because I am constantly curious about everything, whether it be for good, sadly, the bad, thee in between, the crazy crazy and the opposite to the boring, and in conclusion, well, all of the the excitement. Curiosity can get me into things I maybe shouldn’t try to be in or stumble into more than willing, but I like being curious and I think that’s one of my defining qualities, curiosity is in my personality. However, all this excitement does bring danger like I said and it doesn’t necessarily mean WILL bring danger, but it’s a warning of danger because of all these great and happy and exciting things, I have to be careful of the paths opening and coming my way throughout these blessings.

We know our weaknesses and despite my curiosities, I know what to stray and what to strive for. Nonetheless, feeling understanding of possible danger in various circumstances, keeps me safe and helps me keep God at the core of my heart and guidance.

It is certainly an orange time.

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Fall is looking beautiful. I’d say it’s in “full bloom”, but that pun works better for spring flowers popping up. 💖😉🧡

What color was your week and what does it mean to you? 🙂

Have a lovely week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

 

 

 

Week Color some sort of Green

Hi world friends,

September 26, 2018

I hope you’re happy as per usual I hope blessings are being given to you and you’re making your way through the week with a positive outlook on your journey.

My week is some sort of green. Green has always signified an adventurous state to me. Whether the green in question is dark like Army green or popping such as a lime, or sweet like a fresh mint treat, green means to me….adventure.

Adventure can be anything you make up in your mind to let it be. I’m not saying it has to be some extravagant journey to a foreign land that you made spontaneously one evening wih your pet pig after realizing at 1:00 A.M. in the morning you felt like taking to the Scotland hillside and feeling the relaxing rain drizzle on your head.

Although, it most definitely can be.

Adventure can also mean thee great ‘ole adventure of life. Where we are going, what we are pursuing, and our daily schedules and the little bits and pieces that come with living like finding a new diner who has the tastiest sweet potato fries in the whole county, or becoming friends with a co worker you never thought would make such an impact upon your life not long after you met.

These are most magical and memorable forms of the word adventure, but the adventure I’m talking about today is the adventure of where I’m finally learning to care about myself, Molly Marie, psst that’s me.

You see, there have surely been other times in my life and so forth where I’ve lost myself. There have surely been times I’ve fallen into a deep saddened state and found myself unsure of the next move. Yet, in my 19 years, once I graduated high school, the first year out, I realized my life was taking on a new beginning, and right away even though I was filled with excitement and that word adventure was looming close, I became more lost than ever.

Last fall I started a job which I’m sure you all heard me mention before if you’ve read any of my blog posts previous. The job was a most gracious opportunity. By the time I quit, I was being paid $14.76 an hour, 40 hours a week, for sitting in a cubicle, of which I decorated in the most lovely space and unicorn theme yet, helping the older folks with their insurance needs. I didn’t mind talking to people on the phone, I love helping people. I didn’t mind the office setting. I loved my co workers, there were always events and free cake being given away and I went on walks around the hospital and felt fancy with my little badge that opened doors, and I was only 18 at the start, 19 at the end. I felt like I was doing good, saving money for whatever adventure I would embark on soon, knowing I had excitement up ahead for me.

Well that mentality of hope got me through potentially the most painful year I’ve had. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe it in words. I lost myself, not completely, but in a way where I wasn’t sure what thoughts I even truly believed anymore and what thoughts were mine.

I didn’t care about myself much. I only cared about everyone else and not everyone else who I wish I cared more about.

I was not busy pursuing passion last year for one thing. I was working an office job, yes I had voice lessons and yes I did do do community theatre which is great, yes.

I was trying to maintain my health and fitness because I was full force trying to get my fitness certification.

I had knew deep in my heart that I wanted to keep pushing myself, growing, learning and working on myself, but I danced around it and never fully cared like I wish I did.

Though I pushed my passions to the wayside slowly.

I only cared about trying to take care of everyone surrounding my world.

I wasn’t busy enough working on myself and caring for myself that I found myself being the vulnerable woman I am more so than ever in every situation I came across which I will hopefully describe in future writings soon, I knowingly pretended to be unknowing so often because I was trying to make myself believe most everything was not what some may say reality was, I didn’t care what was happening in my life, only my friends, my family’s, my work life, or wherever I was, or at least not nearly as much, when I should have cared.

The thing is though, I wouldn’t change my vulnerability, I wouldn’t change how I trust so much and I wouldn’t change the fact that I care about people the way I do.

I did come to realize, I had an epiphany, (one of many, but this one seems accurate) that I can indeed be all those things, and feel those ways without losing myself and losing my soft heart, however.

I never wanted to be hardened. Growing up I never understood in church why forgiving was often talked about as being a hard thing. I forgive people so quickly and easily I at one point thought it was my downfall because I would let myself be taken advantage of, or lied to, or be a part of hurtful situations because I don’t hold onto anger.

I had one friend who I can picture in my mind easily, who I forgave probably every single time I hung out with them just hoping that the next time I saw them or spoke to them that they would be sweeter and they’d be okay and dandy doo and things would be like I hoped they’d be in my mind, authentic and a no doubt easy going forever friendship.

I forgive so quickly I forget to remember what I will and will not put up with that I start losing myself before I’m able to grasp what’s happening and I keep falling and failing until my wake up call hits.

What is a wake up call to you? I’ve had many. I’m easily affected by my other people, particularly other people that I feel emotionally hurting for, people that are getting into my head or heart, or that I find exceptionally strange, and I don’t get it. Every single person on earth fits into that list I just made… every single human.

Basically I enjoy the company of other people and that means everyone. Even the people that really just cause me pain. It can be small circumstances too, such as a work situation that upsets me, but I still wanna make that co worker feel good and care about me like I do them.

There is nothing wrong with caring, but you just have to care about yourself too.

All in all, the fact that I’m finally caring about myself stemmed from me forcing myself to do what I wanted to do. And now I am. There’s a whole lot of adventure folks and I shall talk to you soon.

Remember, God loves you so much he created you.

Have a fabulous night.

Here is a photo capturing one aspect of adventure in my life right now. The city, I love it.

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Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

A Poem

Hello everyone,

September 21, 2018

When I was lost,

And

When you were not

or so you and I both seemed to have thought,

I thought I was paying the cost,

I thought I was to be staying on the map and being put in one spot,

I thought I was fraught yet

I am the one who went out and sought,

I sought out the place after I connected each little marking map dot,

Oh what life had brought,

I found my destination here on this spot,

The spot you in which you helped to have brought

For me

Only before going and getting more lost than we thought you were not,

You now have yet to find your spot,

You are granted one map and what else is it you’ve got?

Oh I see,

It’s a small, tiny teapot, you’ve got,

You have not a lot in your teapot,

Nevertheless

For you bought me my cost,

I wasn’t paying anything for the shot and being lost

Truly

Yet I’m now on my spot and you have just a teapot,

Though you helped me when I needed to find my way,

And

Now I only hope to help you lead your way with a confident sway. 💙

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Golly, I missed writing poetry.
Happy day.
Love,
Molly Marie 🙂

A Reminder to My Eating Disorder

Hello, hiya, howdy, and hi,

September 18, 2018

I hope you’re feeling not only happy, but healthy. Healthy as in emotionally within your mind you are thriving, and physically you’re taking care of yourself fully.

Man do I wish I was healthier. Below is a video I recorded that has documented a little bit of when I was first diagnosed with anorexia many years ago.

Now I shall make more of these videos and talk more about my eating disorder journey in the future, however the reason this video particularly is something I am glad I recorded is because it is a reminder to me, a reminder I need now, tonight as I write. A reminder as to how far I have come and how far I can still continue to go with the might and will to keep going.

You see, I am no longer a slave to anorexia in the physical sense of my body itself withering away to nothing, but I’m still constantly fighting the eating habits that so often define my life.

There are periods in my life where my eating habits and focus on fitness elevate to a height of more than usual unhealthy and obsessive thoughts and habits, and now is one of those times. It is ridiculous how I can wake up one day and feel amazing about my waistline, but the next day be internally crying and angry at myself over the size of my calves. I never ever look down upon others the way I beat myself up inside for my weight. Why do I continue to do it to myself? It’s horrible and I wish it would go away, though it is apart of me and my story.

I have been studying to become a fitness instructor, to teach and hopefully help others along their health and fitness journey yet I cannot help others if I’m not helping myself and so I know I have to keep pushing to achieve a healthier state of mind everyday full of healthy habits and kind words to myself in regards to my body, but it’s hard right now and so I needed to write. I missed writing and exploring my thoughts is helping. Honestly right now I’m hungry, but I already ate my calorie intake for the day, or so I think I did, who knows I could have over calculated, so I’m slightly letting myself starve…. It is a little difficulty to enjoy food sometimes when every little crumb and speck of a treat or taste goes into my mouth to process onto my taste buds is automatically resulting in my mind becoming the calculator for my calorie intake. I love, and I mean love, cooking and baking, it’s not only relaxing, but a great joy to me in my life, but I am unable to let myself cook and bake when I’m in a period of even worse eating habits because it’s a quick route to more unhealthy actions for me. Why? If I cook or bake, I’ll add every calorie I ate that I tasted, or I will over eat what I made and then make myself believe I have to workout for 2.67 hours to burn it all off when I’m reality I could just eat a little less the next day… it’s horrible y’all and honestly can anybody out there relate? I think this is another period that’ll go away soon, I’m determined to one day once and for all be done with this eating disorder, as I’ve stayed out of the hospital since I was 13, which is 6 years, for anorexia and I haven’t gone back due to any unhealthy eating habits or workout obsessions, but it’s still a struggle daily for me.

God is good and God keeps my head up and focused on life and purpose, but it’s horrible how bad a day can appear to me when my mind isn’t cooperating with my self esteem boosting vibes. I suppose that makes days I do feel good about my body and fitness levels great thought because when I’m feeling down and I have a good body image day, wow, that’s a positive to me.

My life is only getting busier, and so I’m going to have to keep my priorities straight and take care of myself if I’m going to be able to work hard and pursue purpose like I know I need to, if I want to help others, I have to help myself, but it’ll be a hike to get back to an upward path of healing again… and that’s okay.

Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything, you can be sure that you have God right there with you and you have the determination in you to keep pushing forward, let yourself find that and keep going.

Eating disorders are a strange blue/green color. An unwelcomed friend that I’ve found can become my friend, when we work together to change from a disorder to a determination to heal.

Have a happy day.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

Week Color Indigo

Hello non alien folks,                                       September 17, 2018

“What are you craving?”

My friend asked me this question a couple weeks ago at our weekly Bible study. We had been talking about spiritual hunger and why we really want to have God in our lives, but the discussion took a turn and we talked more about other aspects of life we really yearn for or just plain old want right now. What is on our hearts?

The question got me thinking, which in a sense, maybe I shouldn’t think so deeply so often many a times as that’s where stress wriggles it’s way, self doubt as well, into my life, affecting it more than I should and desire to let it affect me more than it should, in.

About one week later we flash forward to another moment of more self discovery, which is actually more of bringing to the surface what I already knew, but couldn’t quite grasp altogether.  (A reason it is important to have conversation and others in our life, whether close or not is so that they can us gain perspective or perhaps uncover what they notice about ourselves to help guide us).

*shrugs*

Just a thought…

I was sitting with another pal this week, which is the moment of self discovery I just mentioned, sipping our coffee. It was so hot outside, but inside it’s rather cold, (you know, air conditioners, a great invention), so a warm drink always is welcomed to me as I find warm drinks comforting. For example, hot green tea in the morning on a particularly melancholy morning with a little bit of hazelnut creamer is exactly a warm hug, I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees outdoors, the sun is beating down and humidity is hitting  records in my town. The point is, I had my friend, and a comfort drink causing me to kind of feel even more open booked than I already am, atmosphere was cozy (and warm!) and I started spilling.

No I wasn’t spilling my drink, although that would be darn ironic.

I was spilling what was on my mind, and my pal, well she already knew.

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God has beautiful ways of giving us blessings everywhere that He created for moments of uncertainty. 🙂

An inside joke within my family and perhaps a few friends is when asked “What is my fear?”, I like to joke and say. “It is probably easier to tell you what I DON’T fear.”.

Of course I am being silly, I am not scared of everything. I do have a fear of vultures though, isn’t that a fun fact? I am terrified of vultures. I will love those critters from afar.

Anywho, I never was one to let my fears particularly hold me back. Yes, I do often care what other people think, I do often worry an outcome may end in rejection and I do often get scared that something may go wrong, but I usually do whatever it is I want to do anyways. Why? Why because I care more about doing whatever it is I want to do than whatever it is that others may think, whatever hurt the outcome may bring, or whatever may go wrong. Of course I am not stupid about my decisions, remember that.

For instance, I have a great love for fashion. I don’t box myself into one category of “style”, I love vintage fashions and playing with adding modern elements. I love bright colors and getting dressed up. Sometimes these outfits end up being a little bit different or even out there.

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Sparkly pink tennis shoes, a romper with a flowing floral back and a yellow cap sleeve blazer are an unlikely triplet, but hey, it works, and makes me feel confident. 🙂

I have felt self concious in my clothing sometimes. The conclusion is, I don’t let it stop me from wearing what I want. You see, yes I care what other people think about how I look or my clothing, BUT I care much more about being happy in what I am wearing. I do what I want anyway.

My pal said, why don’t I let this apply to my life?

She gave me an analogy. I love analogies, I just love words and speech and all that jazz, y’all. Furthermore, she said pretend there is a bomb. The bomb is ticking down. You have two switches, one switch stops the bomb and one switch makes the bomb explode. You have to make a decision because either way the bomb is going to go off as time is ticking down so just flip one of those switches. If you choose the wrong switch, okay, you can rebuild a city, you have to keep moving.

This stuck with me, because I believe lately I have let self uncertainty become way too prevalent in my life. I am holding back myself from living as fully as I can because of FEAR.

I used to be able to just go for it, and just let hope take hold of me, within safe boundaries of course. God provides us fear I believe as a means to protect us often times.

When I was a wee young little fella my dad once told me that fear is given to us for a reason sometimes. If you are in a tent and there is a lion outside, you are afraid and stay in the tent. This is smart because if you go outside the tent due to not being afraid you will get eaten. Therefore, fear is a helpful emotion in this case.

(My love of analogies may come from my dad, who knows?) 🙂

Though the fear I am experiencing as of lately is not fear to protect me, I know the fear I am experiencing is fear that is preventing me.

My pal told me I am afraid of rejection, maybe even socially.

This was an odd thought to me. I am outgoing, but I am not. I don’t understand myself all the time. I love talking to people and making new friends, I love connections and building relationships, friendships and all that socially social happennings I am usually fine with. As of lately however, I have noticed I am becoming more shy at times with people, people I want to build friendships with, people I want to get to know more, and even opening up the way I want to and usually am able to do so well.

I even became a bit backward in my Acting 1 class and our first drama club meeting here at college. Why did my usual comfort become so uncomfortable? I am warming back up again, but it took awhile. My professor had me sit back and really try to enjoy my breathing before a scene the other day, sensing how unrelaxed I was, which is normal for me, I am always in some sort of mode of stress, but to be honest of my nerves were due to fear of judgement. Since when do I fear what people think of me in an acting class? I love putting myself out there… I don’t poke fun at anyone else, so why am I so concerned on saying a line wrong or interpreting an emotion to be expressed wrongly (and according to my professor, nothing we do on stage is EVER wrong…)?

I have fear.

I am usually so sure of myself, but as of lately that self uncertainty and fear of rejection has tried to make its way into my heart and mind, and I am determined to stop it.

I mentioned in a previous blog I would discuss why I am where I am, or so I believe, in regards to a bit of my past to now here. Well last year I was so certain (well sometimes 😉 ), and had more confidence than normal in certain life areas because to be honest I did not care about myself hardly at all. I was putting my care into others and events, places and things. I was degrading from myself. I was letting myself think differently, go along with decisions differently and give up what my heart had always hoped for, so slowly, but so surely. Due to the fact that I didn’t care about myself, guess what? I didn’t have so much fear. Why would I? I was becoming who I was not. I was not putting much attention into myself as I didn’t matter.

You could say, fear was not preventing me. No fear was preventing me at that time, but fear could have protected me.

I was more adventurous last year, I had no fear. I was more open last year, I had no fear, HOWEVER I was certainly more melancholy last year. I had no fear. (obviously I had fear, but not as much as now.)

I need to work on when to let fear smartly protect me and when to not unfortunately let it prevent me.

Fear is something I am working on balancing. Last year I didn’t let fear prevent me, but this year I am. I know how to use fear to protect me, even better than ever due to experiences occurring throughout my life and, you guessed it, my first year out of high school, *whispers* last year. 😉

Now I need to, as my acting professor tells me, “just let myself go, follow my impulses, and not hold back”, because the one thing I am missing in my life right now is excitement, an adventure.

Don’t get me wrong. I love pursuing theatre at college, I love getting to work at school after class for extra cash, I love exploring the city, I love rehearsal and voice lessons, I love Bible study, I get to work for a Disney Princess party company soon and I am even going to begin riding horses again on one of my days off.

The feeling I miss is the feeling of being alive. I miss feeling like my life is more than just a pursuit to the purpose God has for me YET also a story full of twists and turns of emotions and hope. How do I get that adventure back? I need to let go of prevention fear. I need to be bold once more.

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Here is a cute pony I met at the fair. Seriously, I cannot wait to be around horses again. It is one way I feel connected to my home and the country. Life for me is a constant, city or country? Well, why not both I say. (no question mark there because it is rhetorical and a sure statement).

All in all, my pal addressed what was really going on within me, and my friend with the question of “What am I craving?” brought out an answer that summed up what I am looking for.

Adventure, I crave adventure, but to attain that, I must and I will continue to not let fear prevent me and only protect me.

I feel like this balancing act I am facing within my heart and mind is indigo. A color not quite blue and not quite purple, which is me right now. No I am not referring to being blue or purple, (unless you look at my bruised up legs, hehe), but rather the not quites I face. Indigo is still lovely though. My internal battle right now isn’t all horrible, it is still lovely in the way that I can use this time to really discover more, which I believe I did, about myself, but it is time to move forward.

I must not let fear hinder my heart, you shouldn’t either.

What is your take on fear?

Happy day folks.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

Week Color Green

Howdy there everyone,

September 9,2018

I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.

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I love the city. Being here everyday makes me so cheerful. 🙂

To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.

Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.

While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.

The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.

I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.

Neverthless, I got a callback.

The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.

Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.

I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.

The relief hit me.

My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.

Was it an unnecessary stress? No.

Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.

The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.

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My smile the day of my auditon was wide. Fear was happening, but an experience was about to begin. 🙂

This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.

I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.

The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.

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My weeks have earned a thumbs up by staying positive. 🙂

Have a happy week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

A Fresh Start

Dear deers,                                                                       August 29, 2018

Basically, my life has been cuckoo crazy as is many of yours I am sure. After a whirlwind of a year, emotionally, physically and all involved, I made many huge changes in my life that were, well, emotionally, physically and all involving of my time and energy. Those changes started taking effect quicker than my mind perceived that they were going to and my heart took awhile to be completely okay with the process I wasn’t prepared to perceive. Let’s go ahead and go with the thought that my life changed more than I expected to in a matter of months and I learned more than I thought I possibly could about living and my own soul more than I thought I was about to in my first year after high school.

I do want to ask however, how are you? I do hope well.

Now to begin, I will go a little backwards, because my mind works in a strange way. Furthermore, I see letters as colors. People as colors. Everything is in colors. Do you understand or see the same? I don’t feel this is a strange thing, yet it is a bit different as I have seen how it affects me in my day-to-day life. Certain colors draw certain feelings from me, this relates to the letters and people who also receive different colors from my mind subconsciously. I don’t assign a color on purpose, it just happens. I think this is my body’s way of telling me how my body and heart and mind are sensing a situation or various people. Throughout my next few writings I want to take you from the now and back to the lessons and events that brought me to the mindset and place I am currently in, and I want to use these colors to show you how I think God gives us all different mentalities or sensings to navigate our way through life. These gifts God gives us are unique, just like your story and YOU.

Look, my backpack!

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I love the aesthetic here, folks. We got pastels, flowers, polka dots, and need I say, woodland animal pals! 🙂

On Monday August 27, 2018, I started taking courses at a community college in a major city in my state. This is my second year out of high school. I have not taken college courses since I was in high school as part of the college credit plus program where I was grateful to earn some credit for basic courses for free. I am just now on my journey again to achieve a passion of mine that I decided on finally, THEATRE! Musical theatre to be more specific, is where I see my life taking me for the moment. How I decided, we will get to, but for now, we shall pretend that I have known theatre has been my absolute choice for years to journey onward with and theatre only. Oh the irony.

I am taking a basic course about interpersonal communications that I am required to take. The course talks about creating, managing, growing and also, if the time calls for it, knowing how to CUT off relationships in life, whether they be romantic or not. The actual definition for interpersonal relationships is as follows- the process through which people create and maintain relationships, exercising mutual responsibility in creating meaning. How do I know that fancy worded definition? I had a quick quiz on it today, hehe. I did get 10/10 so that’s a good start, am I right? It always feels good to start off with a perfect grade in the class, establish that positive baseline I like to think.

I am also taking an online math class I have to take. I love math. The class has not yet started. I should be fine. No, take that back. I will be fine. I know my math.

Now onto the theatre classes. I want to pursue musical theatre, however the college doesn’t have a specific musical theatre program, but rather a dance, theatre and music program of which I have kind of created my own little musical theatre program from and will take classes from each emphasis and I shan’t let anyone stop me, hehe. If I do decide to take 2 more years of school and transfer to a musical theatre program at another school, I will have experience and credits to follow me over right into the program of artsy splendor.

The classes I am taking within my made up musical theatre program for myself are acting one and voice.

I cannot wait to share more of my experiences in my classes, but again as this is just a where are am I currently, I will hold back a bit. Let’s be honest, I may jump back and forth a bit, and that’s okay too.

My acting one class is very theatrical and artsty. My voice class is very positive and informative.

Tomorrow in voice I take my range test, so hopefully when my upbeat professor plays the piano for me, and I sing off the notes, my range behaves. I have a voice lesson tonight with my talented and sweet voice teacher of several years which will surely help engrave some confidence in me for tomorrow as well as vocal practice and proper usage.

My theatre professor has a different method to approach acting in class and I must say it is increasingly difficult for me to use his method. I am open to new approaches, this will be a challenge for me though. Ultimately, I understand, I can take what I learn and apply it to myself if I decide it is helpful as I don’t wanna lose what helps me and makes me, me, but I still wanna dive in a bit if I can to the new technique.  He told me to maybe approach the class with fresh eyes, as he knows I have done theatre for many years, and yet told me I am being clever and being an actor before almost correcting these description words he placed upon me. What he wants for me to do is yes, be clever, yes act, but just BE. I need to BE, follow my impulses, don’t analyze beforehand and do what feels right. Well, well, well, here is where my already developing in a different way somewhat of acting mindset, logical mindset, literal outlook and artsy side all start clashing. We do short, no more than 6 line plays, to start getting comfortable, and already my professor said to me, I need to not RELAX as that can be taken negatively to someone being told it, but to find ways to ease myself.

This is difficult.

You’ll learn more and more, I don’t do the whole relaxing thing much. I stress. I fidget. I am a busy body. My mind keeps me spinning and my heart is seemingly really into rushing often. Yet, the deep breathes my professor prescribed me, did help.

What will come of class? I am not sure.

All I know is that I feel fresh this week. My life feels like it is going in the direction I have deep in my heart has known it could and should be for years, and not just because of my path to a life on the stage taking, hehe, taking the stage, but on other branches too.

I feel like I was just born into some new time period and am now on a clean slate of doing what it is I want and nothing can or is holding me back. I am me. I believe this is God bringing me out of the dimly lit and giving me a new or just different lightbulb to use on this adventure.

2 Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”

My walk with God most certainly has brought this light even brighter for me this year.

I have my first audition next week for a play called A View from the Bridge with the college. It is going to be playing at a famous theatre area in the city at a huge theatre in that famous theatre area. I feel delighted to say the least to even get to audition.

Onto the color.

Anywho, I was on a walk around campus my first day and found these flowers. It reminded me of a new season that is blooming, bright and colorful. My aesthetic this is. The bright pink is a color I see of guidance and new vibes for myself for the now. I feel more like me than ever, but a different me. God is giving me something new, something to develop. It is blue as well. The atmosphere and my soul feels blue, but not sad blue, new blue. I don’t think the blue will go away too soon either, it seems stuck like, glue. (I took the opportunity for a rhyme there.)

I love colors, yes.

They are bright and not so much.

They mean a whole lot.

There was a color haiku. Haiku for a rhyme with blue and glue.

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I also saw a squirrel on my walk. I used to have may squirrel friends last year at a certain place too on my walks.

Life is funny.

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Have a good day.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

Let Your Heart Stay Happy

Dear darlings,

How are ya?

Me? Well I am doing better than ever honestly & today I wanna very much talk about a big contributing factor to my true feelings of hope leading to happiness which in return means I am feeling healthy. That was the big 3 H’s, let’s hear it for alliteration!

*oh golly*

Anyway, so in life I am actually a pretty hyper human being. I have countless energy most of the time, but don’t get me wrong I can be laid back in my personality, but outwordly I can be very enthusiastic. The thing is my energy can be multiplied from positive energy to negative jitters very quickly.

I have a tendency to put myself in places, in situations or around certain people that just are not matching up with my vibe. Instantly, a wave of frantic or stress washes over me and continues to do so until I remove myself from the cause. The hard part about finally removing myself from the cause is letting the cause not inhabit my mind causing me to become stressed even more so and becoming bitter, placing upset and wallowing in something that I should have made a change to long ago.

I am not giving excuses for other places, situations, events or people’s actions, but I also know, I should not dwell on something that is no longer apart of me or my life. If I stay looking back or looking forward even holding even the slightest bitter in my heart and mind towards something or someone, I am not only handling a circumstance poorly, but I am not making my life move forward with positive energy again. Yes, you must learn from the past so you don’t put yourself places you should not be, but don’t hold onto anger, upset or any of the like, because you hold yourself back from changes in past and forward and new and old experiences for yourself.

I tend to aggravate myself with INACCURATE thoughts of me being the cause of doing something wrong, or nothing being able to move in the right direction. You in your heart know if you did something wrong, you needn’t make excuses for other people’s behavior or other circumstances you had no control over, but don’t be unkind, and don’t place blame over and over, failing to move on to a positive state of mind once again.

Let God take over the situation. Pray to him. Pray to him to help you heal, help other situations heal, and pray for people who you may not think deserve it. That’s the hardest of all isn’t it? Praying for people who did you wrong. Well pray for them anyway. This doesn’t mean you have to succumb to letting people treat you wrong, stand up for yourself, but once you pray, it is all in God’s hands, you just move on with a healthy heart that is full of hope taking you day by day in the steps of staying happy.

How do you handle the bitterness that may sink into your heart? I am curious. It happens and you don’t have to feel bad about it, just know it does not have to stay there looming forever, let God take over your heart and replace hurt with hope.

Psalm 42:11 ESV

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Happy day!

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

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You Are Valuable

Dear darlings,

Today I share with you my first Youtube video. My Youtube channel will be full of content relating to living life in a positive way, with God as the reason why we are able to keep moving forward in all circumstances, all the while showing you how valuable you are, from the simple things to the more complex happenings life has to offer us.

Please take a moment and watch my video, like, subscribe to my channel for hopeful or just happy and jolly content and share my video with others. I want to garner a sense of community with you all, sharing our testimonies, dreams, hopes, hobbies and our FAITH!

Sometimes in life we don’t feel valuable, whether that is because we are in situations that seem bleak, other folks don’t make us feel important or we just want to give up. These are moments where we need to remember we cannot give up and when you need to most remember that you are most definitely valuable. God values you so much, let him into your heart to help guide you to joy.

I hope you all have a happy day, remember you are valuable, so valuable.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂