Week Color Dark Orange

Howdy to everyone and hi to myself? yes, sure,

You always must remember you are extraordinary and amazing and cool beans and awesome and all that jazz. That’s important.

I hope you are well and most importantly I hope you are smiling.

Right now. Please smile. Life feels nicer when we smile.

My week was full of genuine smiles this week. One short thing I want to mention about those smiles being genuine is that they were genuine because I am consistently letting God be my guide.

When I try to go about my life ONLY on my own and do things the “Molly way” ONLY, my life hurts and starts slowly falling ever so slightly to the wayside of hope. Never does my heart fall completely apart, because our God is good and He is keeping up the pieces for me, but I am seeing the benefits of letting God in more and more right now.

Not long ago was I taking routes I didn’t completely find healthy or hopeful for myself, but I did take those routes because I felt like it. Of course, I think I thought God was involved in some ways and perhaps He was, and of course I was learning and trying to grasp a better understanding on life, but that isn’t the point I am making here.

The point I am making is that for a long time I was placed in tremendous inner battles and tremendous physical battles in my life. Some battles I had no way of fighting myself and some I could fight, always with God on my side. Nonetheless, I felt God was trying to test my faith and I am so glad and overjoyed that I kept the faith.

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I was quite happy in this photo and on this day, and I didn’t have many reasons to be, except I know God is always here beside me. I’ve got faith in Him.

I am now seeing all the joy I had all along, and through many past hardships, what patience, hope and continuous faith can provide. The blessings from God only keep coming and I know faith got me here.

Romans 8:18 ESV

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

Life is going to continue to put trials and pain in my way, but every time I make it through with God, I know the next occurrence of difficulty above my grasp and sorrow in my wake, that God will lead me through ALWAYS.

Why does this have to do with orange? A dark orange even?

My past week reminds me of orange, dark, because orange to me signifies EXCITEMENT, NEW, possible danger in my future and curiosity. This past week I have been discovering where faith has brought me more and more so… EXCITEMENT.

Why am I excited?

Currently, I am rather fulfilled with my circumstances being rewarding. I am going to school, like I said in a bigger city with a fabulous theatre district.

Last week I gave a performance for the song “Put on a Happy Face” in my voice class and my nerves were almost nonexistent compared to the week before. I felt I had made so much progress from just the previous week or so performance. I stayed with my timing better, felt more secure in the notes and pitch and most importantly, I had CONFIDENCE.

Then I also started my job up here. I work in student services. I love it. The other day I got to work a student get to know each other function and a talented man drew my characterature in about one minute and I got free chicken and veggies. I also get to meet lots of students on campus working in student life.

Back at home I am continually working on my own projects, studying to get my fitness instructor certification, being with friends and family, my Youtube channel, the Bible Study group I put together, and my own relaxation hobbies, like hopefully horseback riding soon, my bike riding and being in nature and working out, and baking up a storm. I love this balance I have achieved.

Thennnnnnn there’s my theatre happy fun times, y’all. I am directing a children’s show at a community theatre which is so rewarding to me. I love children, they have wildly awesome imaginations and will to learn. So besides rehearsals for that, I have been working hard to create a magical set, gather props and organize all that needs to be done for the show coming up.

I also am starting work soon as a Disney Princess for a party company. I get fitted this weekend for Princess Anna and get more training, which I am so pumped about.

I just finished up being in a play called, “The Canterville Ghost” so I currently am not in a play with exciting weekly rehearsals, well, actually I am in a play, but that doesn’t start until later this week so we ain’t going to include that in this post about my past week being orange, okay? No, we can. I love being in a show, EXCITEMENT, plus it’s a Christmas show and so I honestly am just thrilled to get in more holiday spirit through rehearsals. So rehearsals are orange too.

Yikes, I should add something more to this.

Well, one of the most exciting things yet is, I am now on the praise team at church!

God is good and I will worship Him from the bottom of my heart. ❤

I also don’t need people thinking I commit to every possible activity in the book.

I decided not to go to drama club up here at college, that counts as something right? It would have been so neat to get more involved up here in the city, but timing wise, it wasn’t going to work.

Actually, I don’t care what you think. I don’t mean that in a brutle way, but a more, we all shouldn’t try to be proving to everyone why we live out the lives the way we do.

Sometimes I find myself logging off of social media because of a fear I have that I am not going to dive into right now, but the fear is deep rooted in other’s opinions of me. I dislike this very much. Nonethless, I ultimately find myself logging back in and filling up the interweb with colorful emoji NOT overloads of some sort because I care more about doing my thing than what others think, but it does slow me down and hinder me a bit. The point is, EXCITEMENT, okay? Don’t let others ruin your orange excitement!

This, these happenings, are all quite new, so that’s the new aspect of dark orange.

Then there is a warning of..danger…which goes alongside curiosity. All of this excitement can also play into my curiosity because I am constantly curious about everything, whether it be for good, sadly, the bad, thee in between, the crazy crazy and the opposite to the boring, and in conclusion, well, all of the the excitement. Curiosity can get me into things I maybe shouldn’t try to be in or stumble into more than willing, but I like being curious and I think that’s one of my defining qualities, curiosity is in my personality. However, all this excitement does bring danger like I said and it doesn’t necessarily mean WILL bring danger, but it’s a warning of danger because of all these great and happy and exciting things, I have to be careful of the paths opening and coming my way throughout these blessings.

We know our weaknesses and despite my curiosities, I know what to stray and what to strive for. Nonetheless, feeling understanding of possible danger in various circumstances, keeps me safe and helps me keep God at the core of my heart and guidance.

It is certainly an orange time.

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Fall is looking beautiful. I’d say it’s in “full bloom”, but that pun works better for spring flowers popping up. 💖😉🧡

What color was your week and what does it mean to you? 🙂

Have a lovely week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

 

 

 

Week Color Periwinkle & My Struggle with Focus

Hello and howdy do da day,

I honestly don’t really feel like writing currently, but I do at the same time.

Oh golly, a very logical start. 😉

You must know that talking about myself or talking about subjects or stories I already know of, think about or talk about, to help bring messages across and hopefully relatable thoughts and experiences in life, can sometimes feel so redundant, and ultimately it can start becoming quite a bore to talk about my life at times.

Why?

I live so much in my own head, I am constantly rearranging, rethinking, OVERthinking, analyzing and imagining everything you can possibly imagine and then some and a half. When it comes time to share stories, share my thoughts or even share my feelings I am more than happy to often times, most times?  I find it so enjoyable often, and am quite open, but then there are many times when it becomes a chore and I would much rather stay silent and ONLY (keyword is “only” right there) observe, take in and see and even when I feel the urge to defend or put my side in, it gets to a mentally overwhelming point at times where I feel too exhausted to care enough to speak….it’s a bummer.

Does this relate to you at all? Rather, can someone relate?

I sometimes feel I speak too much and sometimes don’t speak enough. I sometimes think too much and sometimes forget to let my mind sift more so. I sometimes am so focused and tuned in and sometimes my focus hits 0 and I struggle a whole lot just to grasp some sort of meaning. Sometimes I am calm and collected, but often I am in a mild sort of frenzy energetic state of mind and physical being. Of course, I can control these emotions and physical states well enough and quite often enough to handle in appropriate situations, but the hard part is, it still always comes one way or another and I have to supress it or hold it back from growing.

For example, I started a Bible Study with my friends and we try to meet once a week. It is quite lovely, we check out different coffee shops in various areas to support local businesses as well as widen our coffee shops around the Ohio area knowledge, hehe. Plus, little places like those are absolutely great atmospheres for friendly discussion and tea is tasty…or coffee…or hot chocolate…or water.

Well, I go to Bible study often knowing this is my only increment of free time for the next who knows exactly. I understand we are all busy at times, I understand I don’t have to be busy if I CHOOSE not to be, but I choose to BE busy and therefore, you’ll see where this goes.

So I have school, I go to college about an hour away from my home, depending on traffic commute can vary. I go four days a week. I am directing a show at a community theatre my heart loves, which is very rewarding and I am in a show at that very same theatre which means double rehearsals. I am starting work study, which means I made the choice to work while going to school as I need the money. I also have this Bible study I take care of, and I am trying to attend church more. I have my own little business selling Perfectly Posh. I want to become a fitness instructor so I am studying for that as well. I also am blessed to have many dear friends and a loving family of whom I want to keep a healthy and happy relationship with each and every person in my life. On top of all of that, I want to remain healthy, which means taking care of myself and giving myself free time. Well, where does the free time come in?

That’s where it gets tricky. Again, I make my life busy, so this is all me, I shan’t complain.

I love busy, I do pretty well as making myself have free time too, but we get to the point in three, two, one…

When I am at Bible Study, often I am wishing my relationship with God would grow stronger because in my mind I often feel I am being too busy or something silly when you think about it. I pray all day long, I love God with all my heart and thank Him so often. I am blessed, I see blessings He continues to give me and I feel Him working in my life guiding me and presenting me opportunities I have a choice to make.

I know I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow it, but even so having this strong relationship with our Creator, I still struggle in so many areas and one of those being… (hey, we got to the point…)

Focus.

I am determined, yes. I am quite determined.

Say, I am doing an essay for school, I am determined to finish it, and so I get that paper finished. I am determined to get a 100% back, and so I make sure I get that paper back with a 100% on top. I am not, however, focused.

In my definitons here, or feeling defining definitons, I feel focused is more of a present mindset and determination is more of a futuristic mindset. This is getting artsy, I know.

I am definitley not an overall present mindsetted type of woman. I have been futuristic from way back.. (hehe, futuristic from “way back”). EXCEPT, I become very present minded when it comes to painful occurences, feelings, events, and sitations. I become so present I start losing determination to heal and become FOCUSED on feeling those negative feelings and staying put. Wow, what an enigma I have put myself into. It isn’t even just the big “woahs” or “oh my goodnesses” that cause me to lose determination in some way. I often can lose focus on trying to understand someone or something because my mind is whirring so hard, bouncing off the walls inside my cranium looking for who knows what to help solve a problem or what not, it gets annoying to me. I feel that often when I understand people my heart is taking the load of their heart and emotions and so I physically feel and emotionally feel, but my brain is not latching on all the time to their words because it’s anazlying other sense or even nonsense. This is sounding dramatic, but really, whether big or small, not all the time, but QUITE often, I struggle with focus.

I have dealt with my focus issue for, well, I don’t know how long and I don’t really think it matters, but it has began becoming more prominent with my life lately. Whether I lose focus on myself, or focus on a goal or dream, something simple like picking up a recipe to bake and becoming distracted and bored within two minutes and going off and starting something new for an hour before coming back 5 times, I get so upset that I have a problem staying focused, or even letting myself take in the words of someone else’s story rather than just take in their feelings and emotion.

Feelings and emotion have always made more sense to me and rationality is something I am very aware of, but don’t connect to it as well. I am quite logical and to the point with life, but when it comes to living, I am more prone to going with feelings. None of what I am saying makes sense, does it? I seriously find this post a color of light blue, maybe periwinkle even and that color is so calming and beautifully nostaligic to me so no matter what this was worth it to write.

This whole post is a pretty periwinkle.

I have less than two hours left before I can leave the college campus today and the irony is, writing this has distracted me from my workload that I lost focus on about 5 minutes in. Nonetheless, I sat and wrote this post through in one sitting. Hmmm. Life is strange.

Do you struggle with focus and does anything I say make sense?

I hope you are having a periwinkle day.

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If it’s going to be Spring outside in October, I will embrace it with a floral dress and a smile while it’s here. 🙂

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

Week Color Indigo

Hello non alien folks,                                       September 17, 2018

“What are you craving?”

My friend asked me this question a couple weeks ago at our weekly Bible study. We had been talking about spiritual hunger and why we really want to have God in our lives, but the discussion took a turn and we talked more about other aspects of life we really yearn for or just plain old want right now. What is on our hearts?

The question got me thinking, which in a sense, maybe I shouldn’t think so deeply so often many a times as that’s where stress wriggles it’s way, self doubt as well, into my life, affecting it more than I should and desire to let it affect me more than it should, in.

About one week later we flash forward to another moment of more self discovery, which is actually more of bringing to the surface what I already knew, but couldn’t quite grasp altogether.  (A reason it is important to have conversation and others in our life, whether close or not is so that they can us gain perspective or perhaps uncover what they notice about ourselves to help guide us).

*shrugs*

Just a thought…

I was sitting with another pal this week, which is the moment of self discovery I just mentioned, sipping our coffee. It was so hot outside, but inside it’s rather cold, (you know, air conditioners, a great invention), so a warm drink always is welcomed to me as I find warm drinks comforting. For example, hot green tea in the morning on a particularly melancholy morning with a little bit of hazelnut creamer is exactly a warm hug, I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees outdoors, the sun is beating down and humidity is hitting  records in my town. The point is, I had my friend, and a comfort drink causing me to kind of feel even more open booked than I already am, atmosphere was cozy (and warm!) and I started spilling.

No I wasn’t spilling my drink, although that would be darn ironic.

I was spilling what was on my mind, and my pal, well she already knew.

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God has beautiful ways of giving us blessings everywhere that He created for moments of uncertainty. 🙂

An inside joke within my family and perhaps a few friends is when asked “What is my fear?”, I like to joke and say. “It is probably easier to tell you what I DON’T fear.”.

Of course I am being silly, I am not scared of everything. I do have a fear of vultures though, isn’t that a fun fact? I am terrified of vultures. I will love those critters from afar.

Anywho, I never was one to let my fears particularly hold me back. Yes, I do often care what other people think, I do often worry an outcome may end in rejection and I do often get scared that something may go wrong, but I usually do whatever it is I want to do anyways. Why? Why because I care more about doing whatever it is I want to do than whatever it is that others may think, whatever hurt the outcome may bring, or whatever may go wrong. Of course I am not stupid about my decisions, remember that.

For instance, I have a great love for fashion. I don’t box myself into one category of “style”, I love vintage fashions and playing with adding modern elements. I love bright colors and getting dressed up. Sometimes these outfits end up being a little bit different or even out there.

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Sparkly pink tennis shoes, a romper with a flowing floral back and a yellow cap sleeve blazer are an unlikely triplet, but hey, it works, and makes me feel confident. 🙂

I have felt self concious in my clothing sometimes. The conclusion is, I don’t let it stop me from wearing what I want. You see, yes I care what other people think about how I look or my clothing, BUT I care much more about being happy in what I am wearing. I do what I want anyway.

My pal said, why don’t I let this apply to my life?

She gave me an analogy. I love analogies, I just love words and speech and all that jazz, y’all. Furthermore, she said pretend there is a bomb. The bomb is ticking down. You have two switches, one switch stops the bomb and one switch makes the bomb explode. You have to make a decision because either way the bomb is going to go off as time is ticking down so just flip one of those switches. If you choose the wrong switch, okay, you can rebuild a city, you have to keep moving.

This stuck with me, because I believe lately I have let self uncertainty become way too prevalent in my life. I am holding back myself from living as fully as I can because of FEAR.

I used to be able to just go for it, and just let hope take hold of me, within safe boundaries of course. God provides us fear I believe as a means to protect us often times.

When I was a wee young little fella my dad once told me that fear is given to us for a reason sometimes. If you are in a tent and there is a lion outside, you are afraid and stay in the tent. This is smart because if you go outside the tent due to not being afraid you will get eaten. Therefore, fear is a helpful emotion in this case.

(My love of analogies may come from my dad, who knows?) 🙂

Though the fear I am experiencing as of lately is not fear to protect me, I know the fear I am experiencing is fear that is preventing me.

My pal told me I am afraid of rejection, maybe even socially.

This was an odd thought to me. I am outgoing, but I am not. I don’t understand myself all the time. I love talking to people and making new friends, I love connections and building relationships, friendships and all that socially social happennings I am usually fine with. As of lately however, I have noticed I am becoming more shy at times with people, people I want to build friendships with, people I want to get to know more, and even opening up the way I want to and usually am able to do so well.

I even became a bit backward in my Acting 1 class and our first drama club meeting here at college. Why did my usual comfort become so uncomfortable? I am warming back up again, but it took awhile. My professor had me sit back and really try to enjoy my breathing before a scene the other day, sensing how unrelaxed I was, which is normal for me, I am always in some sort of mode of stress, but to be honest of my nerves were due to fear of judgement. Since when do I fear what people think of me in an acting class? I love putting myself out there… I don’t poke fun at anyone else, so why am I so concerned on saying a line wrong or interpreting an emotion to be expressed wrongly (and according to my professor, nothing we do on stage is EVER wrong…)?

I have fear.

I am usually so sure of myself, but as of lately that self uncertainty and fear of rejection has tried to make its way into my heart and mind, and I am determined to stop it.

I mentioned in a previous blog I would discuss why I am where I am, or so I believe, in regards to a bit of my past to now here. Well last year I was so certain (well sometimes 😉 ), and had more confidence than normal in certain life areas because to be honest I did not care about myself hardly at all. I was putting my care into others and events, places and things. I was degrading from myself. I was letting myself think differently, go along with decisions differently and give up what my heart had always hoped for, so slowly, but so surely. Due to the fact that I didn’t care about myself, guess what? I didn’t have so much fear. Why would I? I was becoming who I was not. I was not putting much attention into myself as I didn’t matter.

You could say, fear was not preventing me. No fear was preventing me at that time, but fear could have protected me.

I was more adventurous last year, I had no fear. I was more open last year, I had no fear, HOWEVER I was certainly more melancholy last year. I had no fear. (obviously I had fear, but not as much as now.)

I need to work on when to let fear smartly protect me and when to not unfortunately let it prevent me.

Fear is something I am working on balancing. Last year I didn’t let fear prevent me, but this year I am. I know how to use fear to protect me, even better than ever due to experiences occurring throughout my life and, you guessed it, my first year out of high school, *whispers* last year. 😉

Now I need to, as my acting professor tells me, “just let myself go, follow my impulses, and not hold back”, because the one thing I am missing in my life right now is excitement, an adventure.

Don’t get me wrong. I love pursuing theatre at college, I love getting to work at school after class for extra cash, I love exploring the city, I love rehearsal and voice lessons, I love Bible study, I get to work for a Disney Princess party company soon and I am even going to begin riding horses again on one of my days off.

The feeling I miss is the feeling of being alive. I miss feeling like my life is more than just a pursuit to the purpose God has for me YET also a story full of twists and turns of emotions and hope. How do I get that adventure back? I need to let go of prevention fear. I need to be bold once more.

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Here is a cute pony I met at the fair. Seriously, I cannot wait to be around horses again. It is one way I feel connected to my home and the country. Life for me is a constant, city or country? Well, why not both I say. (no question mark there because it is rhetorical and a sure statement).

All in all, my pal addressed what was really going on within me, and my friend with the question of “What am I craving?” brought out an answer that summed up what I am looking for.

Adventure, I crave adventure, but to attain that, I must and I will continue to not let fear prevent me and only protect me.

I feel like this balancing act I am facing within my heart and mind is indigo. A color not quite blue and not quite purple, which is me right now. No I am not referring to being blue or purple, (unless you look at my bruised up legs, hehe), but rather the not quites I face. Indigo is still lovely though. My internal battle right now isn’t all horrible, it is still lovely in the way that I can use this time to really discover more, which I believe I did, about myself, but it is time to move forward.

I must not let fear hinder my heart, you shouldn’t either.

What is your take on fear?

Happy day folks.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂

 

Week Color Green

Howdy there everyone,

September 9,2018

I hope that you are off to adventures that are helping you find gladness and joy wherever you currently are in life. Currently, I feel I am, though the big idea here is that during this current adventure again, I am faced with making decisions, hard decisions.

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I love the city. Being here everyday makes me so cheerful. 🙂

To start, simply, one thing we all do in life is choose various paths all the time. A small decision can change your life in a moment or down the line. A big decision of course can do the same. I do think that the fact that the same size of an outcome can occur with a small or big decision can end up being the same, shows that no decision is really going to fall under small or big, maybe it just depends on our priorities.

Just this past week I made one of those decisions. Was it difficult? Yes. Perhaps the decision can be based more upon how easy or not so easy it was to make the choice. This decision was not easy.

While I have stated before, I am going to college for theatre. Last year I was working in an office in my own personalized cubicle in a cubicle office neighborhood saving money while continuing to do community theatre so I could achieve and adventure out into the world of pursuing theatre professionally this year. Well I am here and my auditon last week I mentioned in my prior post went well.

The director of the show was even hopeful I had optionally prepared a monologue for him to hear and see me perform. I did not as I was not so sure I’d be auditioning anyway due to fear. Not fear of the stage, not fear I’m not good enough, but other fears. I’d be driving in an insane amount of traffic 5 days a week, I’d be going to class, work and then at the theatre the majority of the week leaving my sleep schedule to go haywire and my life outside of my passions to be almost diminished. I would be driving crazy amounts of time all week. I also would have less time to do what makes my heart relax; enjoying nature, working out, being with my friends and other plain old fun happenings.

I was not ready to put my life outside of school, work and my theatre passion away or maybe I’ll never be if it leads to this type of schedule that I may have been partaking in.

Neverthless, I got a callback.

The fact that the theatre I would be performing at is a famous theatre in a famously known theatre location where I attend school was holding me into the fact that if I DID get a part it could lead to an exciting and not often received experience at my age, lead to new opportunities and lead to who knows what else. The idea was propelling me into a possibility I was scared of.

Sometimes fear can hold us back, but sometimes there is a reason we have fear. Fear can protect us. I believe God wants us to not fear living per say, but I believe he gave us certain feelings of fear, like intuition to PROTECT us.

I emailed the stage manager and before I knew if I was cast or not, I opted out of the show the day after my callback before I possibly was called back. I was free from the current fear.

The relief hit me.

My sleep, my work and my classes and the possibility of theatre elsewhere is still open to me and all stable to where they were before the stress hit. I am still on my adventure, but just where I should be right now.

Was it an unnecessary stress? No.

Yes I was not even cast yet. However, the possibility for the the role was high. I believe it was only me and one other girl in the possibility for the role. She was talented and adorable so it was an honor to see her read from the script at auditions as she has surely has a huge passion as well.

The role would have been a thrill. The show is a tragedy and I felt connected to my character’s innocence and hope about love. Yet, it wasn’t the right time to hold onto the show.

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My smile the day of my auditon was wide. Fear was happening, but an experience was about to begin. 🙂

This week was green. Green because it’s an adventure. Adventure seems green, it’s calm, but brings it’s whirlwinds fully, yet with God I have been able to navigate using the tools and knowledge he continues to give me and help me learn to have and use during any stormy day or decision to make.

I hope you all enjoy your adventure and remember, you are young no matter your age. One decision may hurt to make, but do what’s best and right. You may have got to think that you have so much more opportunity to come out of the decision that hurt to make. You don’t know. Don’t limit your future and let yourself limit yourself.

The stage director was kind and appreciated my message of opting out of the show. I believe the intense fear I am hit with not too rarely in my life is a gift from God. All in all I don’t believe God wants us to fear living and the things that hold us back from purpose, OUR purpose, the purpose He has for us, but fear that is given to us to help guide is and protect us is worth listening too.

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My weeks have earned a thumbs up by staying positive. 🙂

Have a happy week.

Love,

Molly Marie 🙂